Empathy [ em-puh-thee ] noun:
the psychological identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.
If you read that definition and still aren’t quite sure what empathy actually looks like or why it is important, you’re not alone. It can be a tough thing to really understand and yet it is such a powerful and important interpersonal skill that it has been referred to as “the bedrock of intimacy”.
Empathy is the process of understanding and expressing your understanding of another person’s internal experiences, both their thoughts and their feelings. When we don’t engage in empathy with someone, we may have a good idea of the events that are taking place or their outward behaviors. However, we will have little to no understanding of what is taking place internally for them.
Empathy is Not the Same as Sympathy
While these two words are commonly used as synonyms, they actually describe different processes. Put simply, sympathy is feeling for someone while empathy is feeling with someone. Sympathy, feeling for someone, is a disconnected acknowledgment of what someone is going through. For example, someone you know — or perhaps a complete stranger — is going through a tough experience. You can identify with their situation, see it as negative, and feel bad for the person. However, you’re not in touch with their actual inner feelings and thoughts. Think of a sympathy card: distant and lacking any significant connection with the person’s thoughts and feelings.
Empathy, on the other hand, occurs when you can feel the same feelings (or very close feelings) as the person who is struggling. For example, you may have a friend who loses a close family member in a sudden, tragic accident. While you may not have gone through that exact situation, you may have experienced other losses and you may have had other sudden, negative changes in your life circumstances that allow you to get a sense of what your friend is experiencing.
How Empathy Works
We are able to empathize because of specialized neurons in our brains called Mirror Neurons. Like the name implies, these neurons allow us to “reflect” someone else’s internal experience inside of us. This is the process that makes empathy different from sympathy.
Dr. Brené Brown[1] notes that there are four steps to empathizing.
Perspective Taking - this is “cognitive empathy” that allows us to intellectually understand what the person is thinking or experiencing.
Non-Judgment - when we take in their perspective, we cannot empathize with their emotions if we are preoccupied with imposing our ideas, values, etc. on their experience.
Recognizing Emotion - we have to be able to identify what they are feeling (this is the” emotional empathy”) and to connect it with something internal for us where we have experienced a similar feeling
Communicating Our Understanding - we need to effectively express where we are understanding what the other person is feeling
Sometimes we may attempt this and get it wrong. We may think we understand that our friend who lost their family member is feeling lost and convey that only for them to clarify that they instead are feeling lonely but that they have a sense of purpose. When we do that, we go back to step 1, gain a better understanding of their perspective, and continue through the steps again until we are getting it right. Their clarification is helpful information, not a rejection of our attempts at empathy.
Empathy is Both Inborn and Learned
Good news: you were born with the capacity for empathy.
Nuanced good news: everyone has to develop that capacity.
Infants and young children typically begin to learn emotional regulation and expression via their caretakers. If you were fortunate enough to be raised with a secure attachment and by parents or guardians who were very emotionally connective and expressive, you may be a decent way down the path to effective empathizing.
At the same time, it isn’t that uncommon though for good caretakers to struggle with modeling and teaching empathy. Further, there are plenty of people who were not as fortunate and didn’t have parents or caretakers that supported their empathetic development.
Rest assured that regardless of where you are in your current abilities, you are still more than capable of experiencing and expressing profound empathy. It may just need to develop through a different kind of trial-and-error process. Working with a counselor can help smooth and speed up this development. There are also some self-help steps you can take.
Learning and Developing Empathy
Start by choosing a specific person that you know and trust. Ask them to tell you about a recent experience. As you hear them tell you about their experience, ask yourself some basic questions.
What situation did they go through?
What thoughts and conclusions did they have in this situation?
What emotions came up from these thoughts and conclusions? You might find an emotion chart helpful.
What were their overall experiences of that situation, their thoughts, and their feelings (terrible, awful, relieving, great, fantastic, etc.)?
The next step is important: talk with them about your answers to these questions. After all, if you don’t ask, you won’t know if you’re getting it right. Ask them where you are getting it right and where you may be missing or misinterpreting something. Be curious about their explanations and ask questions.
Now do it again. Make sure you practice with different types of situations including positive and negative ones.
From there, you can branch out in a variety of ways. For example:
Challenge yourself to meet and connect with new people — especially those from different cultures or with different viewpoints. Listen to their stories and practice empathizing.
Ask your trusted friends and family members for input about yourself and your interactions. Listen with an open mind and hear and empathize with their experiences with you (heads up, this one can be very challenging).
Explore media like art, television, movies, books, etc. that expose emotions and personal relationships. Practice your ability to recognize and identify the specific emotions the characters or subjects may be feeling.
Challenge yourself when you might be slipping into biases or groupthink about other people. Try to take the other person’s perspective and empathize with them even if you disagree with their conclusions or actions.
Seek Out an Empathy Guide
As you’ve read, empathy may be innate but it still has to be cultivated and developed. This can be an incredibly challenging process. Working with a counselor is an ideal way to work on building up or refining your skills at understanding and empathizing with others. Your therapist can offer the cues, suggestions, input, and exercises you need to broaden begin to build, grow and expand, or refine your personal skills at empathizing. This process can lead to deeper connections, more fulfilling relationships, and greater self-confidence in all types of interpersonal relationships, particularly with your loved ones.
If you are ready to take the next step in building your capacity for empathy, we can help.
Our counselors have helped hundreds of people develop their empathic skills. We can help you, too. Check out our page on Couples Counseling or schedule a free consultation to find out more about how we can help.
[1] To hear Dr. Brown talk through these steps and clarify the difference between empathy and sympathy, check out this youtube video.
Pivotal Counseling, LLC is the leading provider of relationship and sexuality counseling to people on the northern front range and throughout Colorado and Wyoming. We help people from their pre-teen years to their post-retirement years to have happier and healthier relationships with themselves, their sexuality, and their loved ones.