Hungry Couples and Long Spoons

A Common Problem

So many couples that walk in our door for couples counseling are dealing with the same issue. They are both hurt. They are both capable of change. And they are both waiting to start fixing the relationship until they see the other person making real efforts.

In some ways, this makes sense. When couples find themselves in tough times, it is almost always due to their expectations, hopes, and needs not being met by the very person they thought they could depend on to meet them. In essence, their partner broke their trust. They can't count on them anymore. So why would they pour their effort into fixing a relationship until that person proves their trustworthiness again? What that person tends to miss is that their partner almost always feels the same way. They feel betrayed and let down. They're hurting too.

For several years, I tried different ways to convey this dilemma and help my clients grasp the concept behind a better way to look at this. Then I stumbled across a parable that beautifully illustrates the idea: the parable of the long spoons. You can find variations of this parable across many cultures and throughout many religions of all origins. Here is one version.

The Parable of the Long Spoons

A grandmother was contemplating the wellbeing of her family. She was bothered by the lack of care she saw one for another and the constant complaints of who needed to do what for whom first. Mulling on these ideas, she fell asleep.

In her dreams, she found herself in a room with her children and grandchildren, all seated around a big table. The table was heavy with savory foods and decadent desserts of every type. And yet, all of her family members were emaciated and wasting away.

As she watched, she noticed that each of them had a long spoon that could easily reach the food, but that was too cumbersome and unwieldy to bring their spoonful to their mouths. Over and over, they would take a spoonful, try to eat it, only to either spill the contents or give up in frustration when the spoon failed to reach their mouths. Some sat in tears, others looked at the floor defeated, while others raged against their situation's injustice.

Suddenly, the room changed. Her family members, the table, and the food were still there. They each still had the same spoons. And yet, everyone looked healthy and delighted with their situation. She watched as they reached out with their spoons to scoop up the food but, instead of struggling and failing to feed themselves, they would feed someone else.

Everyone was happy. The family members freely asked of others what they wanted from the table and freely gave the others what was requested.

The next day, the woman shared with her family her dream. She told them of her concerns and worries that if everyone were only concerned with their own unmet needs, everyone's needs would end up going unmet. If they were to find happiness together, they would need to recognize that it was up to each of them to start meeting another's needs for their own needs to be met.

Everyone is Hungry

In our relationships, we all have needs that only the other person can meet: needs of connection, acceptance, and safety. If we insist on spending our energy and attention focused on our own needs in those moments, we will go hungry. If we instead concern ourselves with meeting the other's needs, it frees them up to meet our own needs.

Balancing recognizing and asking for our needs while also meeting the other person's needs is a learned skill. Every day, we help couples work through their past disappointments, so they are free to focus on the other. We help people learn how to speak up about what they long for and hear what their partner is desperately seeking from them.

If you’re hungry in your relationship, we can help you put those long spoons to good use. Check out our page about Couples Counseling or reach out and get in touch to ask how we can help.

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Pivotal Cousneling, LLC is the leading provider of relationship and sexuality counseling to people on the northern front range and throughout Colorado and Wyoming. We help people from their pre-teen years to their post-retirement years to have happier and healthier relationships with themselves, their sexuality, and their loved ones.

The "Perfect" Relationship

If you ask someone what a perfect relationship looks like, you probably wouldn't be surprised to hear phrases like "soul mates," "happily ever after," "we agree on everything," and "we complete each other."

Do any of those sound familiar? From fairy tales to multi-million dollar motion pictures, we've been fed the idea of a perfect relationship for thousands of years. Stories like Sleeping Beauty or Romeo and Juliet are exciting and fun. Who doesn't like the idea that if they could just find the right person, then they'd have the perfect relationship as the perfect couple? There is a reason we find those stories in the fiction section of the library: they're all completely unrealistic.

Real relationships have problems and struggles. That doesn't mean they can't be perfectly healthy. Here are seven things that help make the "perfect" healthy relationship.

1. "Perfect" couples fight right

The perfect couple fights. Why? Because every couple fights. What makes the perfect relationship different here is that they fight the right way. They fight about the issue, not the other person. There's no name-calling, no put-downs, no contempt. They focus on solving the problem.

2. "Perfect" couples care more about making things right than being right

No one likes being wrong. And the perfect couple probably doesn't like it either. They're just also willing to own where they each screwed up. They are eager to acknowledge their flaws and repair the damage from their mistakes.

3. "Perfect" couples know the difference between agreeing and understanding

Too many people think that if they genuinely understand their partner, they have to agree with them. Just because you tell your partner, "That makes a lot of sense," that doesn't mean you now have to tell them that they're right. Perfect couples get that it's crucial to understand your partner's emotions, thoughts, and hopes and that none of that means you have to give up your own.

4. "Perfect" couples take care of themselves first

Yes, that sounds backward, but it isn't. The perfect couple gets that life is tough for everyone, and they recognize that sometimes, the other person can't be there. And they don't see that as a threat to the relationship. They get the idea that "you can't pour from an empty cup" and realize that their partner can't offer what they need if they don't have it themselves.

5. "Perfect" couples prioritize the relationship

No, this doesn't contradict the previous item. The perfect relationship gets prioritized above other interests. That doesn't mean that nothing else is important. It does mean that when the relationship needs attention, it gets it. Other items get set aside, and it is "all hands on deck" to take care of each other.

6. "Perfect" couples remember that the other person chose them

Unchecked jealousy is a great way to kill a relationship. It's also easy to find ourselves feeling jealous. Perfect couples may have that pop up from time to time, but they also remind themselves and each other that they aren't going anywhere. They trust the commitment and do the work to keep the relationship one that both of them will want to keep choosing.

7. "Perfect" couples remember that relationships aren't perfect

Perfect couples know that the perfect relationship is an imperfect one. They are patient with each other, are quick to forgive, and anxious to do what they can to improve the relationship. Like a well-loved home that can always use some improvement, perfect couples embrace the imperfection and know that their relationship, like every relationship, will always take work.

If you want to know how we can help you build your perfect relationships, check out our page on Couples Counseling.

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Pivotal Cousneling, LLC is the leading provider of relationship and sexuality counseling to people on the northern front range and throughout Colorado and Wyoming. We help people from their pre-teen years to their post-retirement years to have happier and healthier relationships with themselves, their sexuality, and their loved ones.

Defining Betrayals and Affairs

What is a betrayal?

One thing that every relationship has in common is expectations. We all want things out of our relationships. Have hopes, dreams, and assumptions about how our relationship will be and how our partner will be.

Expectations come in all shapes and sizes. They cover just about every conceivable topic. They include how our time is spent with one another, how much time we spend together, what activities we do with one another vs alone vs with outside friends, what kind of language is acceptable, how rough or soft our touch is, the acceptability of sarcasm, chores and household tasks, the degree of combined vs independent finances, the condition in which we keep our bodies, levels and styles of grooming, and what we do with our time off from work, just to scratch the surface.

Whenever an important expectation is breached by our partner, we notice. Depending on how important it is, we may experience some discomfort or disappointment. If it is really important and especially if it seems to be something that our partner should know better than to do, we experience it as a betrayal. Put in other terms, we experience a sense of betrayal when someone seems to intentionally act against the expectations of the relationship.

What is an affair?

The term affair typically refers to particularly intense, deep betrayals. Such betrayals violate some of the most core and fundamental expectations that couples have about what makes their relationship unique and special compared to other relationships. These types of betrayals devastate trust in couples’ relationships and shatter what couples understand their relationship to be. There are three basic types of betrayals that are often called affairs.

Sexual Affairs

Sexual affairs are when one partner engages with someone outside of the relationship in a purely sexual way. However, this is not limited purely to incidences of sexual intercourse. It includes all of the various ways that people act sexually including but not limited to fondling and touching, kissing, non-penetrative genital contact (direct or indirect), and penetrative intercourse (oral, anal, or vaginal). How those activities happen can look very different. Some examples might be

• A one-night stand

• Ongoing sexual but not emotional engagement

• Serial cheating based solely on sex

• Engaging with a sex worker

Some people even view a partner who engages with pornography as engaging in a sexual affair.

Emotional Affairs

An emotional affair occurs when one partner invests emotional energy and develops an emotional connection with another person that is deeper, more intense, or involves topics/areas of life or types of emotions that are considered by the other partner to be unique to and reserved only for the partnered relationship. These types of affairs can involve romantic feelings but don’t necessarily have to. They may start as a platonic friendship or they may begin on their own. Sometimes the entire affair is hidden and at other times the relationship isn’t hidden but is downplayed and played off as the two people being “just friends.” Often times, this emotional affair can result in increased sexual tension or anticipation even if no physical contact takes place. Emotional affairs can start with or look like

• Having a confidant

• A close workplace friend

• An old friend or past romantic interest that you’ve reconnected with

• A friend from a social or religious group (clubs, hobbies, churches, etc.)

That isn’t to say that any of the above is an actual emotional affair. Rather that these are common places from which an emotional affair can develop or what an emotional affair may be claimed to be.

Romantic Affairs

Romantic affairs are a combination of both a sexual affair and an emotional affair. There is a deeper, emotional connection at play but there is also sexual engagement. The depth of the emotional connection and extent of the sexual acticity may vary quite a bit but both are present. A romantic affair can develop out of either a sexual affair or an emotional affair. Some peopel find sexual affairs to be worse than emotional affiars. Others would rather an affair had just been about sex rather than the emotional connection. Romantic affairs bring both of these together and are particularly devestating. Romantic affairs can be

• A brief but intense relationship

• A years-long, on-and-off affair

• A long-term, consistent “other life” with a secret partner

• A series of emotionally and sexually intense connections

• A close “friend with benefits”

There are certainly other ways that romantic affairs can show up but these are a few examples.

Any Affair is Devastating

Many unfaithful partners attempt to minimize the significance by saying “we never did X” or “it was only Y.” What they miss is that affairs aren’t damaging because of X or Y. They are damaging because the safety of the relationship and the trust of the betraying partner have been broken. Who you thought your partner was, the values that you believed both of you believed in, and the view of the future have all been shattered. It isn’t what your partner did, it is suddenly not knowing who they are that is often described as being the most damaging.

There is Hope For After the Affair

Regardless of the type of affair, it is important that not only the betrayal itself get addressed but also that the underlying factors and issues that set the relationship up to be at risk for an affair get identified and fixed. Recovering from an affair doesn’t mean going back to how it was before the affair. It means building a relationship that isn’t at risk of something like that ever happening again.

Some couples know right away if they want to rebuild. Some couples are on the same page and some are in different places. Some are uncertain but know that they are unhappy. Others start with one decision and shift over time. Pivotal Counseling works with couples in any of these places. Our goal is to help you find the path that you want to walk, support you through understanding, education, and therapeutic interventions as you and your partner build the lives and relationship that you want.

We’ve helped countless partners through betrayals. We can help you, too. Check out our page on Couples Counseling or reach out and get in touch to ask how we can help.

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Pivotal Cousneling, LLC is the leading provider of relationship and sexuality counseling to people on the northern front range and throughout Colorado and Wyoming. We help people from their pre-teen years to their post-retirement years to have happier and healthier relationships with themselves, their sexuality, and their loved ones.

Counseling and Coronavirus: 5 Reminders for Counselors

Counseling and Coronavirus: 5 Things for Counselors to Remember

If it's in the news, it comes into the counseling office. Coronavirus is no different. Are you ready to talk with your clients? Here are the 5 reminders so you can be your best clinical self when your client brings it up coronavirus.

Remember Your Role.
You are a health professional but you're not a medical provider. Be careful about getting caught up in talking about the medical and health side of the issue and don't get caught trying to give health advice. There's plenty you can work on without trying to teach them about dealing with viruses.

Remember To Be Informed
You aren't a medical provider but it sure is helpful to know the basics of what is going on. For example, do you know the difference in the terms "coronavirus" and "COVID-19?" Do you know whether there are cases in your area? Are you aware of how the public is reacting and what kind of stresses that is putting on people in your area (such as shortages of items, isolation, etc.)? What about at the national level? You don't have to follow every news story that pops up but be aware of the basics so your clients don't end up having to educate you or even surprising you.

As you do some reading, it would be a good idea to compile a brief list of some reliable, authoritative sources of information on hand about coronavirus and appropriate precautions. Some resources might include the CDC's webpage on coronavirus, the Johns Hopkins webpage on coronavirus, or their local county department of health.

PS: coronavirus is the virus, COVID-19 is the illness it causes.

Remember Basic Anxiety Management
It isn't just coronavirus in the air, anxiety is in the air too. From news reports about statements by government officials and the stock market to stories from friends who were just at the store, there is plenty of material to bring on anxiety. If a client is talking about coronavirus, be sure to explore whether it is just part of the opening small talk or if they are experiencing anxiety around the issue.

I had this come up yesterday in a session. A client started off just joking about the toilet paper situation. We laughed about it and I asked a few questions about his thoughts about what was going on. The entire rest of the session was taken up exploring and addressing the uncertainty and consequent anxiety about not just coronavirus but about how society is reacting and the runs on supplies.

Discuss basic anxiety management with your clients and explore how you can support them in minimizing the impact of coronavirus anxiety on their lives and their clinical progress so far.

Remember To Have A Plan
How are you handling coronavirus when it comes to your office? Clients are likely going to be curious, especially as things develop.

Build your clients' confidence in you by keeping them up to date on how your practice is responding. For example, you might send out an email talking about how frequently you wiping down the office with cleaner, that you are washing hands between clients, that you will be practicing social distancing with clients including not shaking hands, or other efforts at minimizing the spread of the virus.

It would be wise to also plan for how you will be working with clients as coronavirus spreads further. As you develop your plan for this, it would be prudent to update clients on these items such as encouraging clients, as appropriate, to switch to working with you via a secure televideo platform, informing them of what circumstances might cause you to suspend seeing clients in-office entirely, or notify them of whether there are any changes to your cancellation policy due to illness during this time.

If you'd like to see a copy of the email Pivotal Counseling sent out, you can see that here.

Lastly, Remember To Capitalize Therapeutically On The Topic
Remember, process not content. So even if you are talking about coronavirus, the underlying processes and issues are still present. Stay aware and recognize where the underlying disorders or issues are manifesting in this new area of content.

For example, I saw a client earlier this week who struggles insecurity and self-doubt on a frequent basis. As she was talking about coronavirus and how she and those around her were reacting, we started to examine her perceptions of her reactions and her criticism of herself as opposed to others. We were able to address both the current issues topic and anxiety there while also digging in to the focus of her clinical work.

With these reminders, I hope you are better prepared for coronavirus to come into your counseling office. Hopefully, it will only show up as a topic.

Better Resolutions: 5 keys to good goals

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Image courtesy Angie Torres. CC License.

Did you use the new year to set a new goal? Lots of people do and for good reason. A new line in the sand seems to give us permission to let the past go and look forward. Setting a new resolution isn't the hard part. Getting them to stick is!

A good resolution (new years or otherwise) includes five key qualities. As you read, check your own goals and resolutions and see how they stack up.

1. Meaningful - One of the biggest pitfalls of making a new resolve is picking something that isn't really meaningful. Gyms make a load of money off of people resolving to lose weight but for whom "losing weight" doesn't mean much more than dreaming of making more money or vacationing in Hawaii. Finding meaning in losing weight (like fighting off diabetes or training for an event) brings that goal some substance. Regardless of what your resolution is, make it meaningful and remind yourself of that meaning until your goal is met.

2. Achievable - Pie in the sky resolutions are a non-starter. If you can't reach your goal then you'll never have the push to get going. Set a reasonable goal that may be challenging but is absolutely achievable. Nothing is going to stop you from setting another goal if you meet this one earlier than you expected. Running a marathon probably isn't a good goal if you're struggling to get off the coach.

3. Measurable - There's no bigger motivation suck than feeling like you're not getting anywhere. That's a death sentence even for achievable goals. Find ways to track your progress as you go. Set up measures that tell you how you are doing. Your goal may be to read more books this year but what does "more" mean? Twelve books in a year is a great, measurable goal because you'll know if you meet it and can check your progress (one book a month) along the way.

4. Accountability - It is just human nature: we tend to do better and more consistent work when we have to answer to someone about it. Build some accountability into your goals. Meet a friend for that 10k training. Secure a sponsor in your quest to be smoke-free. Set up monthly lunches with that co-worker to discuss your professional development. Do something that puts you under a bit of a microscope. It feels great to talk about success and can be a huge motivator to have to discuss where you fell short.

5. Make It Fun - All work and no play hasn't done anyone any favors. Goals should include some form of reward or payout at the end and, whenever possible, along the way. Some rewards are external like buying yourself a treat, taking some time away, or dropping a pant size. Others are internal like finishing a good novel, learning a new skill, or hitting your one month mark on a new habit. When you love working towards your resolution, you're more likely to meet it.

What did you notice as you read those point? Is your new year's resolution geared for success? If not, it isn't too late to make some adjustments.