Emotionally Focused Therapy in Greeley, Colorado

At Pivotal Counseling, LLC, Emotionally Focused Therapy in Greeley, Colorado provides expert support from certified therapists who understand the unique needs of each client. Our experienced Greeley therapists use effective EFT methods to improve relationships and emotional well-being.

What is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)?

Emotionally Focused Therapy, or EFT, helps couples focus on their emotional bonds. It guides partners to understand and share their feelings better. This kind of therapy works well when couples face tough times. It is a proven, evidence-based couples therapy.

In Greeley, people turn to EFT therapy to find a safe space. Couples can talk about feelings without worrying about being judged. This therapeutic modality helps build emotional safety so partners can open up more.

Here's what makes EFT stand out:

• Focus on Attachment: It's based on adult attachment theory, which looks at how people connect emotionally.

• Negative Interaction Cycles: EFT targets common patterns, like the "pursue-withdraw" cycle that causes fights.

• Creating Secure Attachments: Couples learn to build secure attachments and have healthier ways to relate.

The Principles of EFT

EFT centers on making emotional connections stronger by understanding how people attach and interact. Let's break down the main ideas behind it:

Grounded in Attachment Theory:
Adult attachment theory shows how early life affects relationships now.
Knowing your attachment style helps explain your behaviors with your partner.

Identifying Relational Patterns:
Couples sometimes get stuck in negative cycles that block good communication.
Spotting these patterns helps therapists guide couples toward better ways of connecting.

Emotional Safety:
Therapy creates a safe place where partners can talk honestly about their feelings.
Feeling safe lets them trust each other more, which is key for change.

Restructuring Interactions:
Therapists help partners practice new, positive ways to talk and act toward one another.
This breaks harmful cycles and builds understanding and care.

Fostering Connection:
EFT aims not just to solve problems but also to bring couples closer by sharing support and experience.

By focusing on these ideas, emotion-focused psychotherapy offers tools that help couples grow closer while handling their challenges together.

The Therapist as a Process Consultant, Not a Referee

In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), the therapist has an important role. They don't act like a referee who picks sides or judges. Instead, the therapist helps couples understand their feelings and how they interact.

The EFT therapist works as a process consultant. This means they guide couples through their emotions with care and skill. They build trust by working together with both partners.

The therapist helps couples see their patterns without blaming anyone. They support shared decision making so both people feel respected and heard. This teamwork makes healing possible.

By focusing on emotions and how they affect the relationship, the therapist creates a safe space. Couples can open up and grow together without fear.

The Three Stages of EFT

EFT has three main stages that help couples fix their relationship:

• De-escalation
  The first stage tries to calm down fights and arguments. Couples learn to spot bad patterns, like one partner chasing while the other pulls away. These cycles cause more problems if left unchecked.

• Restructuring the Bond
  Next, therapy works on building new ways to connect. Partners share their fears and needs honestly. They respond with care to each other's feelings.

• Consolidation
  The last stage focuses on keeping these good changes going strong. Couples practice staying emotionally close even when sessions end. This builds strength for tough times ahead.

These therapeutic stages break harmful cycles and build trust again. They help make relationships stronger and healthier over time.

Emphasis on Exploring Emotions in the "Here and Now"

EFT shines because it focuses on emotions felt right now — in the "here and now." Therapists guide couples to notice what they feel during talks instead of hiding or ignoring tough emotions.

This focus includes:

• Emotion Recognition & Expression: Helping partners name feelings under anger or shutting down.

• Emotional Responsiveness: Encouraging kind replies that show you get each other.

• Emotion Regulation Strategies: Teaching ways to handle strong feelings calmly while talking.

By dealing with emotions as they happen in sessions, EFT helps couples connect better. Hidden needs come out into the open, making it easier to meet them together.

Why EFT is Effective for Couples

Emotionally Focused Therapy, or EFT, works well for couples who want to fix and strengthen their bond. It's an evidence-based couples therapy that focuses on feelings. EFT helps partners stop fighting and find lasting relationship satisfaction.

High Success Rates Backed by Research

EFT shows high success rates in many studies. Around 70-75% of couples see big improvements after EFT sessions. Many keep these positive changes even long after therapy ends. This science-backed method gives hope to couples in trouble.

EFT uses structured steps based on adult attachment theory. It helps partners dig deep into the reasons for their problems—not just surface fights. This creates a strong therapeutic alliance between the therapist and the couple, which is key for real progress.

Here's what makes EFT successful:

• High success rates backed by solid research

• Science-backed and evidence-based couples therapy

• Builds trust between therapist and clients

Understanding Relationship Distress

EFT gives couples a clear way to spot and deal with relationship distress. It points out harmful patterns like the "pursue-withdraw" cycle, where one partner wants closeness but the other pulls away. These repetitive cycles trap many couples in fights without solving anything.

By showing these patterns, EFT helps partners see how their actions affect each other's feelings. Couples learn to break these cycles and create healthier ways to connect.

Common patterns include:

• Pursue-Withdraw Pattern: One partner reaches out; the other backs off

• Negative Interaction Cycle: Repeated conflicts that grow worse instead of better

This clear map helps reduce blame and builds empathy between partners.

Strengthening the Emotional Bond

The heart of EFT is about making the emotional bond stronger. Couples learn to share vulnerable feelings safely. This builds a secure attachment—a must-have for healthy relationships over time.

Therapists guide partners to find hidden needs behind fights. They teach couples to respond with kindness instead of shutting down or getting defensive.

Over time, this process leads to:

• Stronger emotional bonds

• More feelings of safety

• Better trust between partners

These changes last long after therapy stops. They help couples heal their relationship day after day.

Finding an EFT-Trained Therapist in Greeley, Colorado

If you want Emotionally Focused Therapy in Greeley, you need a good EFT therapist. Look for someone with ICEEFT certification. This means they trained well with the International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy (ICEEFT). When you search "EFT therapy Greeley" or "find an EFT therapist near me," pick those with this certification. Experience with couples helps too.

An EFT therapist knows how to help couples fix emotional problems. They create a safe place where both people feel heard and supported. You can meet them in person or online. Therapists skilled in attachment-based therapy focus on fixing deep issues like emotional disconnect and bad communication patterns.

What to Look for in an EFT Therapist

Picking the right Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) therapist can make a big difference for your relationship. You want someone who really knows EFT and can help you work through things. If you're looking for Emotionally Focused Therapy in Greeley, here's what to keep in mind.

ICEEFT Certification or Advanced Training in EFT

First, check if the therapist has training from the International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy (ICEEFT). This certification means they took serious classes and got supervision in EFT. An ICEEFT certified therapist Colorado has met strict standards and keeps up with how EFT is supposed to work.

If a therapist doesn't have ICEEFT certification but says they have some training, ask what kind. Make sure they know EFT well before you decide.

Experience Working with Couples and Individuals

Good EFT therapists work with both couples and people alone. When searching near Greeley, look for licensed folks such as:

• Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC)

• Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)

These licenses mean they passed tough exams and are qualified. Also, ask about their work in couples therapy Colorado. How long have they done clinical couples therapy? Do they use other methods too, like CBT or trauma-informed care?

Specialization in Relationship Issues and Emotional Regulation

EFT deals with how people connect emotionally. So, find therapists who focus on:

• Attachment theory couples therapy: They understand adult attachment styles and why partners get upset.

• Common relationship problems like pursue-withdraw cycles.

• Ways to handle emotions better inside the relationship.

• Trauma-informed care when past pain affects your bond.

Therapists who get this help you open up safely and rebuild trust. They go after real problems, not just surface stuff.

The Benefits of Emotionally Focused Therapy 

Emotionally Focused Therapy, or EFT, offers helpful ways to fix relationships and feel better personally. At Pivotal Counseling in Greeley, EFT helps couples and people connect on a deeper level. It also helps heal old hurts and make changes that last.

Improve Communication and Conflict Resolution

EFT teaches couples how to communicate better. They learn to spot harmful patterns like "pursue-withdraw" and change them. Partners use EFT communication skills to share what they want without blaming.

This kind of talk builds trust and closeness. Couples find new ways to handle fights, too. Instead of running from problems or yelling more, they learn to listen with care. This makes conversations healthier and brings them closer.

Build Stronger Emotional Bonds

Many relationship troubles come from attachment injuries—times when someone felt unsafe or rejected. EFT helps people notice these hurts so they can start healing together.

A therapist guides partners through exercises that form secure attachment. This helps rebuild trust and safety in the relationship. Fixing these wounds makes emotional bonds stronger.

Achieve Lasting Positive Change in Your Relationship!

EFT works by helping people grow through new emotional experiences. It's not about quick fixes but real, lasting change that feels meaningful. At Pivotal Counseling, clients see stronger relationships as they use what they learn outside sessions. These new habits help keep closeness even when things get tough.

The key parts are:

• Growth and integration of feelings

• Meaningful change over time

• Stronger, happier relationships

If you want a proven way to improve communication, heal emotional wounds, and build lasting connections with Emotionally Focused Therapy in Greeley, contact us for a consultation today.

Are you compromising wrong?

Your Way or My Way- Compromise

If you’ve ever been in any kind of relationship (so, everyone), then you’re familiar with compromising. In fact, you’ve likely been doing it since before you were capable of making long-term memories. Because compromise is such a normal part of existing in a group, we can sometimes do it without knowing why or how we’re doing it. Take language for example, a native English speaker can speak and write with relatively good grammar, but they may not be able to pass a grammar test; this isn’t because they don’t know how to do it but rather because they can’t articulate exactly why they do it this way. The same goes for a compromise. It seems simple: I want A, and you want B. So, we get both A and B or we get A this time and B next time. 

Unfortunately, it isn’t always this simple, especially in romantic relationships. Generally, a compromise means that all parties involved in a conflict or decision make a concession in order to come to a choice that best serves everyone. It is an important part of any healthy relationship because it allows partners to meet their needs together, build trust, and honor and respect the other person or people. However, not every relationship always gets compromise right. This can turn an opportunity for connection into a conflict. 

For this article, we’re going to take a look at a single couple.* One partner wants to go to the zoo, and the other doesn’t for various reasons. We’ll take this couple through a few situations wherein they both can and cannot compromise.  

*While we’re looking at a couple in this blog, everything can be, and should be, applied to polyamorous relationships as well. 

WHAT IS A COMPROMISE? 

A compromise seems simple: it’s what happens when two or more parties each want something different, and each side makes a concession. Essentially, a compromise is truly as simple as it seems, as long as the issue at hand is an issue that can actually be compromised. Therein lies the main issue: not everything can be compromised and not knowing what to do when you’re stuck is not only unhelpful but can be harmful. 

WHAT PEOPLE GET WRONG ABOUT COMPROMISING

There are three main things people get wrong about compromise. 

1. They think everything can be compromised 

2. They get lost in the details and don’t see it from their partner’s perspective

3. They think compromise is about fairness

Yes, a compromise is about making sure that all parties are involved in a decision, but there are delicate components that are often overlooked. Next time you find yourself in a situation where you need to compromise, use this list to make sure you’ve checked all the boxes and strengthened your relationship in the process. Sometimes dinner and a movie isn’t just dinner and a movie.  

NOT EVERYTHING CAN BE A COMPROMISE 

An issue cannot be compromised when it involves deeper meaning, morals, hopes, and dreams. When something is of little consequence to us, we might assume that it’s of little consequence to our partner(s) as well. However, it’s not always that simple, and communication is key to figuring out whether the issue at hand can actually be compromised. So, let’s look at our couple: 

When the issue can be compromised: 

• Both partners just want a date afternoon and aren’t particularly opposed to either location for moral or ethical reasons. The location of the date is inconsequential as long as they’re together.

When the issue can’t be compromised: 

• One partner is morally or ethically opposed to the zoo 

• One partner has a deep emotional attachment to their chosen location 

If an issue, like where to go on your date, is of little consequence to you but your partner is really excited to go on a date at the zoo because they’re passionate about the animals, then maybe you just go to the zoo. However, if you’re morally opposed to zoos and refuse to patronize them, then you’ve found yourself at an impasse because this issue is no longer something that can be compromised. 

So, what do you do? Clearly, the zoo is out of the question, but your partner still wants to enjoy the immersive learning experience and day out that the zoo provides. Perhaps you can find an animal rescue to visit, you can volunteer and the animal shelter together, or spend the day at a science museum or botanical garden. This way, both people feel important and both people’s dreams and morals are being honored. 

If the compromise is something that leaves either person feeling like they aren’t being true to themselves or that they are going against what is right, good, ethical, or moral, then compromising won’t work. In fact, it’s likely to contribute to some bad feelings, distance, or possibly even resentment. Always make sure to determine why the other person wants what they want. What is inconsequential to you may not be to them. 

THEY GET LOST IN THE DETAILS AND DON’T SEE IT FROM THEIR PARTNER’S PERSPECTIVE

Oftentimes, people get stuck on trying to get what they want and end up getting lost in the details instead of working with their partner on the parts that actually matter. Compromise only works when the issue is purely circumstantial, like deciding whether to go to the zoo or the science museum. An issue that is not purely circumstantial would be when one partner wants to go to the zoo for their date night and one partner doesn’t think the zoo is “a good use of money right now.” 

In this zoo-going example, one partner could get so lost trying to convince their partner to go to the zoo that they fail to see the other person’s real concern. And the other partner could be so lost in the details about finances that they fail to see what the other person is really asking for. The partner who wants to go to the zoo really wants to spend quality time together somewhere they enjoy, and the other partner is really just concerned about having enough money to pay the bills. 

Getting lost in the details about what you really want makes it difficult to get down to the deeper meaning. In this instance, if the couple discusses their real concerns, they will likely be able to come up with a more cost-effective experience that is still somewhere they enjoy. However, if they get too lost in the details, they’ll likely end up with conflict instead of compromise.  

If there is a deeper meaning, you need to tend to that. If one partner is asked to sacrifice something deeply meaningful without feeling cared for regarding that issue, resentment can grow. Use this opportunity to make sure that your partner(s) feels like you’re hearing what they’re saying and understanding their concerns.  

COMPROMISE ISN’T ABOUT BEING FAIR

If you’re too busy “keeping score” to make sure that everything is fair, you might want to ask yourself and your partner(s) why. A relationship that is too focused on fairness is the perfect breeding ground for resentment. If scorekeeping is a consistent factor in your relationship, reach out to a relationship counselor. Deciding to go with A because you started with B last time works when something is entirely inconsequential, but it doesn’t work when you’re simply trying to make sure everything is fair.  

This is not to say that you shouldn’t consider fairness when compromising. If the sides seem to consistently lean in favor of one partner over the other(s), then you may be facing a bigger issue. Be honest with yourself and your partner(s) about what the trends in your relationship seem to be and seek counseling if needed. 

SOMETIMES YOU’LL FEEL STUCK AND WON’T HAVE AN ANSWER

If you do feel stuck, the first thing you should do is stop and ask why. Run through the list with your partner(s). You have to determine whether or not the issue can be compromised, and sometimes it’s not clear right away. It’s easy to make assumptions about what our partner(s) is thinking, but we’re oftentimes wrong. That said, there are two things to do first: 

1. Consider whether it’s about a deeper issue

2. Consider whether it’s measurably more important to one person

Once you’ve determined that it is an issue that can be compromised, decide if it’s more important to one partner. If your partner really wants to go to the zoo because it’s a meaningful experience for them, maybe you just go to the zoo.  

If it can’t be compromised, you and your partner will need to step back and maybe drop the issue altogether. For our couple, this might look like the zoo-going person going alone or with a friend and the two of them start planning the date from scratch.

Sometimes, compromise is just about doing what your partner wants because it’s more important to them than it is to you.  

THE BOTTOM LINE ABOUT COMPROMISES

Compromise really is an opportunity for all partners in a relationship to show each other that they matter. Everyone wants to feel like they matter and are special, especially in their romantic relationship. Talk with your partner(s) about the issue at hand and figure out whether it really is an issue of consequence. Whether or not it is, take advantage of the opportunity to allow you and your partner(s) to feel heard and cared for. Compromises can be beautiful moments of making sure that both partners feel held in the relationship. 

If you and your partner are struggling with conflict and compromising, you’re not alone. We help couples learn to compromise all the time and we can help you, too. Check out our page on Couples Counseling or reach out and get in touch to ask how we can help.

How Adding Play to Relationship Conflict Makes Chang`e Easier

INVITATIONS VS. ULTIMATUMS

Imagine you are on a playground. You’re ten years old and you are surrounded by several children your own age. One of the kids tells you about the ‘superman trick’ they can do on the merry-go-round. After they demonstrate the trick to you, they invite you and all of the other kids to try it out too. Everyone is laughing, falling, losing their balance, and having a great time.

Now imagine that exact same scenario, except for that when the kid suggested you try the trick, it came with an ultimatum; something like, “If you don’t do the trick, you can’t play with us anymore”. What started as a fun-filled adventure with some new friends is suddenly a pass-fail test with a high potential for loss or embarrassment. These two scenarios represent a concept I call, Play vs. Pressure Vulnerability.

Merry Go Round - Play & Relationships

PRESSURE INCREASES THE LIKELIHOOD OF MISTAKES

Even though it may have been a while since you were on a playground, this concept has likely shown up in different areas in your life. Consider the last time you were asked to change a behavior or try something new. Were you permitted to make mistakes? What were the consequences of failing to do it perfectly? While there are times when it makes sense for us to stress about a perfect performance or outcome (ie. exams, interviews, etc.), the pressure of perfection can negatively impact the quality of our performance.This is why balance between pressure and play is vital. The first child in the scenario above had the pressure of trying something new and difficult but it happened in the context of a fun game.

ULTIMATUMS AND LOSS-AVERSION IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP

If you have ever had a relationship where conflict was especially challenging, you may have issued or been given an ultimatum, like “change this behavior or we need to break up”. Generally, ultimatums like this create the pressure we just talked about. The pressure then causes partners to walk on eggshells around each other in fear of losing the relationship. This can make every requested or suggested change seem intimidating for two reasons. First, is “loss-aversion”, or the fear or avoidance one exhibits when there is a cost on-the-line (ie. relationship, money, etc.). Second, is vulnerability, which is a protective state the brain enters when it feels susceptible to harm or criticism. The more there is to lose, the more vulnerable you feel, which makes it much harder to initiate or perform well in new tasks (for some research on this subject, click here).

In order to identify how loss-aversion may be impacting your relationship, it may be helpful to slow down and ask yourself what you are afraid will happen if you make a mistake. For example, if your partner is asking you to offer them more compliments, you may fear that one of your compliments will come across as objectifying, which could lead them to decide to end things with you. This fear may provoke stagnation in the behavior, because the risk feels too high. Once you have identified the fear, it can be helpful to explore whether it is rational or if you are thinking in terms of worst-case scenarios. It is most helpful to reach out to your partner and create a shared vision of what is expected (ie. perfection, failure, retrying attempts, etc.) as you endeavor to repair behaviors.

ONCE WE TAKE CARE OF LOSS-AVERSION, HOW DO WE ADD PLAY?

Play exists in your relationship. Granted, it may not show up in the form of Monopoly every night, but there are countless examples of play in almost every relationship. This is why I encourage partners to look at ways they have fun together when they are not in conflict (i.e. video games, hiking, karaoke, etc.) and find creative ways to bring that form of play into the new task. For example, partners could talk about financial problems while playing on a playground, or they could talk about sexual needs while hiking. Engaging in play with our partners creates a connection we can rely on, even when our attempts to make change do not go as intended.

WHEN LOSS AVERSION IS TOO OVERWHELMING

Whether the stakes are a loss of the relationship, a night on the couch, or an awkward moment, we tend to place an undue amount of pressure on ourselves to behave perfectly in relationships because of loss-aversion. This can be especially challenging when one has attachment trauma, history of abandonment, or relational anxiety.

While trying this skill out at home is absolutely possible (in fact, here’s a helpful tool to get you started!), it may be challenging to work through some of the deeper issues without exploring them more fully. For those looking for a bit of extra guidance, we at Pivotal Counseling are here to help! Reach out to schedule a free consultation or read more about our approach to relational counseling. We’re here if you need us.

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Written by Leighanna Nordstrom, MA, MFTC

Leighanna is a relationship and sex therapist who has been with Pivotal Counseling, LLC since 2019. She works  online with clients who are located in Colorado and Wyoming. To learn more about her and see more of her blog articles.

Pivotal Counseling, LLC is the leading provider of relationship and sexuality counseling to people on the northern front range and throughout Colorado and Wyoming. We help people from their pre-teen years to their post-retirement years to have happier and healthier relationships with themselves, their sexuality, and their loved ones.

Why Resentment Crushes Hope in Relationships

FEELING STUCK IN CONFLICT?

When trying to move past relational conflict, do you ever get the feeling you are dragging around a huge weight that prevents you from making progress? You may hear the heartfelt things your partner is saying and believe they want change, but for some reason you do not trust that change is possible. Clients come in and try to explain this indescribable resistance to the changes they need to get back to happiness. I call this the bag of resentment, and it is one of the most frustrating obstacles to push past as partners work towards peace. 

WHAT IS RESENTMENT?

In a simple Google search, you would learn that resentment is the “bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly”. What is not addressed, though, is that resentment can form regardless of if someone is intending to treat us unfairly. Since the intention behind our behavior does not always match the impact (for more on this check out this blog) our partners may draw conclusions about our intentions and build resentment based on those conclusions. For example, you may have built resentment toward the fact that your partner seems to constantly be working late, but your partner may be doing this so that your household can continue to thrive. Though the feelings of disconnection are valid regardless of their intent, your partner may be unaware that resentment has formed, and therefore helpless to prevent its growth. 

WHAT IS THE BAG OF RESENTMENT?

Simply put, the bag of resentment is your collection of proof that your frustration, hurt, or anger towards your partner is justified. It is where you store moments of difficulty in the relationship that do not get addressed when they happen, but surface in later moments of conflict either internally or externally. Left unnoticed, the bag of resentment can become a little voice in your head that encourages you to extinguish trust in your partner and hope for change. Over time, this voice can become toxic and make you hypervigilant to your partner’s frustrating or challenging behaviors. While it does not always end relationships, the bag of resentment can do great harm to relationships on shaky ground. This is why it is so important to address conflict when it happens, rather than allowing it to go unnoticed. 

HOW DO I GET RID OF THE BAG OF RESENTMENT?

While a collection of resentment doesn’t always serve us, it does come from real experiences. As such, it is not rational or realistic to hope the resentment will dissipate when we agree to try a different way. So how can you put the bag of resentment down? 

There is an old saying that goes “Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting he who hurt you to die”. Setting the bag of resentment down would be the antidote to the poison. To do this, it can be helpful to make a list of lessons you have learned from resentment and then look for resources to help use those lessons to make meaningful change. 

In relationships, I recommend that partners start by validating the existence of their partner’s resentment, which can be done whether they take responsibility for its creation or not. For example, one partner may say to the other, “I know it’s been really hard to deal with my busy work schedule and the way it impacts our connection. I’m committed to finding a different way to do things so that you do not have to feel that way anymore”. 

Once empathy and validation occurs, the partners can then make a simple commitment to one another; they both agree that as they are working toward change in their relationship, they will collect evidence about their efforts in two new “containers”. One is for efforts that have been successful or beneficial to the relationship. The other is for efforts that have gone poorly or had undesirable outcomes. While things that go in the first container can be celebrated and re-used, things that go in the second container will need to be evaluated. 

HOW DO I EVALUATE STRATEGIES?

Our culture doesn’t always do the best job teaching us foundational skills of communication. This means that when you enter therapy your clinician may start by asking you to practice things that seem juvenile or even childish. When clients discover that these skills are hard to learn after a lifetime of bad habits, they can be quick to discard them. While many of these skills are necessary for a healthy relationship dynamic, they can certainly be adapted to fit each unique relationship. This is why evaluation of ‘failures’ is a necessary part of growth . This begins with having a shared vision of desired outcomes. While it is important to create room for error as we work on new behaviors, it is helpful to discuss which specific parts of an intervention didn’t work in order to create space to make adjustments. It may be helpful to have an agreement with your partner about how long you will try an intervention before determining if it is useful or not. If evaluation feels uncomfortable or creates further conflict, it may be helpful to connect with a therapist who can help you navigate these challenging conversations. 

Sometimes, the basic strategies talked about above just aren’t quite enough. Maybe those bags are accompanied by breaks in trust, struggles with empathy, or other issues. If you or a partner are struggling to put down a bag of resentment or two (or three, or four) for any reason, we can help. Visit our couples counseling page or schedule a free consultation with one of our therapists to talk with us about your unique situation.

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Written by Leighanna Nordstrom, MA, MFTC

Leighanna is a relationship and sex therapist who has been with Pivotal Counseling, LLC since 2019. She works  online with clients who are located in Colorado and Wyoming. To learn more about her and see more of her blog articles.

Pivotal Counseling, LLC is the leading provider of relationship and sexuality counseling to people on the northern front range and throughout Colorado and Wyoming. We help people from their pre-teen years to their post-retirement years to have happier and healthier relationships with themselves, their sexuality, and their loved ones.

A Couples Therapist Reaction to Showtime’s “Couples Therapy”

THE PROBLEM WITH MOST TV THERAPY

Therapy shown on TV has traditionally walked the line between professional ethics violations and melodramatic reality shows. From Dr. Phil’s charming ‘no-nonsense’ attitude that parades ‘real’ folks in a near constant crisis stream, to the dramatized view of therapists as mysterious and broken healers with very few boundaries in shows like “Private Practice” or “House, M.D.”, therapy in popular media is often “Big Brother” with more books and furrowed brows. Of course I watched them all (and loved them) but thinking that Dr. Phil’s show has given an accurate depiction of the therapy process is like watching "Grey’s Anatomy” and thinking I am ready to perform my first triple bypass surgery. 

“COUPLES THERAPY” SYNOPSIS 

Then in walked Showtime’s mini-documentary series “Couples Therapy” which advertises itself as real therapy that follows a set of four couples as they work with a licensed therapist. Immediately, the tone of the show struck me with its realism and sharpness. The couples in the show are actually couples, made up of people sitting uncomfortably in the waiting room, fidgeting with their clothes, whose self-conscious, nervous laughter fills the silence. Dr. Orna, a quiet and somewhat unassuming woman with a fiercely direct presence, introduces herself as a psychoanalyst who will be leading the sessions. The couple’s names are shown to the viewer, they walk into the room, and the session begins. It's being recorded and so some level of performance is present, but the thrust of the show is just what the title suggests: bringing the viewer into a specific session of couples therapy. 

As a couples therapist, I was transfixed. The show finds a way to capture the magic and alchemy of the therapy room with a clear sense of respect for the process and all of those involved. The issues that are talked about range from the exploration and processing of childhood trauma, potential personality disorders, sexual disconnection, to the dissolution of relationships. These couples are real and bring their real problems to the therapy room hopeful for real solutions. Couples talk over each other, shut down, scream, say hurtful things, cry, all while Dr. Orna puts on a masterclass of therapeutic intervention. I quickly saw parts of myself and my relationships in the couples while also marveling at the uniqueness and particularity of the human experience.

THE SELF OF THE THERAPIST

The show’s genius rests squarely on Dr. Orna. Instead of presenting her as the enigmatic guru, unreachable at the top of some mountain, the documentary clearly tracks her process. She frequently narrates what she is noticing in between sessions and shows footage of her working with her clinical advisor and peer advisory group. Instead of having all the answers, Dr. Orna leans into the mystery of human change and transformation. She gets frustrated. She gets confused. She asks for help. Dr. Orna, is ultimately portrayed as a real, breathing, feeling person, just as all therapists are. “Couples Therapy” at its core, asserts that therapy is a human process, where humans meet together and try to find a way out of stress and suffering and towards happiness and meaning. This process is messy, non-linear, and quite often painful. But it works. The viewer sees the impact that the therapeutic process has on the couple and the therapist and it feels genuine and quite often precious.  

WHAT THERAPY IS AND WHAT THERAPY ISN’T

“Couples Therapy'' differs from other depictions of therapy in popular media in that it showcases actual, evidenced-based, psychoanalytic intervention in practice. Dr. Orna may present her process as one of realization, discovery, and continued effort towards a better approach but she is nonetheless doing highly intricate treatment. From a professional standpoint, her integration of best practice in sessions is clear and a breath of fresh air for the genre. Not every therapist will run a session like Dr. Orna (and they shouldn’t) but her sessions demonstrate what a high quality session of couples therapy could feasibly look and feel like. The show provides an example of the process, across a period of time, without skipping over the painful parts or emphasizing the successes. It's fundamentally about understanding the human experience, not exploiting it purely for entertainment’s sake. And it is captivating. 

When considering coming to therapy, it can be difficult to imagine what the process will be like, how it will feel, if it will be worth it. Part of this hesitancy, I think, comes from the kinds of popular stories we have in our cultural awareness about what therapy is. We know that our therapy won’t happen on national television, but what if it feels humiliating or exploitative? What if my therapist is an unreachable jerk or fails to demonstrate appropriate ethical boundaries? While these stories are possible, it is important to have parallel stories that depict some of the better possibilities as well. Maybe, like in Dr. Orna’s sessions, you will experience a sense of presence and connection with your therapist that is both comforting and empowering. Maybe you will understand why you do some of the things you do with startling clarity. Maybe you will learn to see and even to love yourself and your partner all over again (or for the first time!). 

THERAPY CAN BE FOR YOU TOO!

If you don’t know what therapy could look like apart from a studio audience and A-list actors, I suggest watching an episode or two of “Couples Therapy”. You will see people talking and a lot of questions; probably some tears as well. But keep watching and see if you can catch the sparks of realization, the moments of magic where change happens, or the deepening of heartfelt connection that makes the therapeutic process so powerful.

If you too would like to try out actual therapy, in all its messy, wonderful, human glory by yourself or with partners, we would love to journey alongside you. Visit our couples counseling page or schedule a free consultation with one of our therapists to talk with us about how we can help.

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Written by Conrad Frommelt, M.Ed., BCBA

Conrad is a clinical intern specializing in relationships and sexuality with Pivotal Counseling, LLC. He sees clients online and at both the Greeley and Fort Collins, CO offices. To learn more about him or see more of his blog articles.

Pivotal Counseling, LLC is the leading provider of relationship and sexuality counseling to people on the northern front range and throughout Colorado and Wyoming. We help people from their pre-teen years to their post-retirement years to have happier and healthier relationships with themselves, their sexuality, and their loved ones.