An affair can be a devastating injury to a relationship. Your trust in your partner is shaken, and you may not know what to expect or how to move forward. Here are four questions that can be helpful to ask yourself as you navigate the whirlwind of emotions that may follow this discovery.
Do I have adequate support?
A common response to the discovery of an affair is to shut out the rest of the world until you have figured out a resolution. There could be many reasons why this is some people’s first instinct. Perhaps you are afraid of what people might think of your partner. Maybe you feel embarrassed that this could happen to you. Whatever the reason, your brain is telling you to keep this to yourself. Unfortunately, this isolation can make the problem seem much more gigantic and unsolvable.
Reaching out to another loved one or a trusted professional can allow you to get the negative thoughts out of your body. Making the choice to seek support does not mean you have to reveal every detail of what happened. Whether you are looking for a shoulder to lean on, an alternate perspective, or a distraction it is okay to rely on the people around you.
What do I do with all these questions?
With the discovery of an affair comes an inevitable barrage of questions. Whether you intend to end the relationship or you have decided to work through it, it is important to get the answers you need to begin to heal. You may be wondering how to get the answers if you are having difficulty trusting your partner. It is important to establish an agreement with them that they will answer your questions honestly. Inform your partner that you would like to know the truth, no matter how painful it might be.
Once this arrangement has been made, you will want to take inventory of the questions you have. It is possible some of these questions were present the moment you discovered your partner was unfaithful. Others may flit in and out of your awareness as you move through the process. Either way, some questions are truly important to have answered while the answers to others may do more harm than good. Experts say it is important to evaluate whether you need to ask a question before posing it to your partner. One tip would be to focus on factual information (ie. am I at risk for an STI?) rather than value judgments (ie. Were they better in bed than me?).
How do I talk to my partner?
As with any difficult conversation, there can be a desire to ‘wait for the right time”. It is possible you are hoping the conversation will go better if your partner is in a good mood or if they have gotten enough rest. The unfortunate truth is you can only account for so many possibilities before you have to allow things to unfold naturally. Ensure you are in a safe, private place with as little distraction as possible. Since it is possible for the conversation to become heated, it can be helpful to choose a location that does not have emotional significance to either of you. Selecting a neutral location means you will not be creating negative memories in precious spaces.
Once you have selected a location, you may begin to wonder how you are “supposed” to show up to the conversation. Whether you are feeling sad, scared, confused, outraged or any other difficult emotion,it is important to know your feelings are true and valid. There is no accurate way to feel when a person betrays your trust. While losing control of these emotions may not be the most helpful way to react, there is certainly no need to hide what you are feeling. While losing control of these emotions may not be the most helpful way to react, tShowing up authentically will ensure your partner is not surprised if these feelings come up in the future.
What do I do next?
There are three possible outcomes after an affair. You can choose to end the relationship, continue the relationship as it stands, or renegotiate boundaries and expectations and begin a new relationship. Regardless of which route you choose, it is important to approach your new normal with healing in mind.
If you decide to end the relationship, consider reaching out to friends and family to support you through the transition. This can help you remain engaged in your healing process, rather than withdrawing.
Often, couples rely on unspoken rules to determine what is acceptable behavior in their relationship. The purpose of renegotiating the rules is to ensure you and your partner understand them in the same context. If you are concerned about how this conversation may go, it might be helpful to work with a therapist.