How to bring up relationship counseling with your partner(s)

When it comes to broaching the topic of relationship counseling with your partner(s), you may find yourself a little hesitant. There are a few ways to do it so that your partner is more receptive and open, and, most importantly, not defensive. Attending relationship counseling is a great way to strengthen your relationship, and it in no way means that your relationship is in trouble. The strongest relationships are the ones that tend to issues as they arise, and relationship counseling can help facilitate this work.

If you’re ready to take the first step and propose counseling, congratulations. You’re about to embark on a wonderful journey. Here are some tips to help you bring it up to your partner in a way that helps you stay on the same team. 

Every relationship has problems, and that’s okay

Every relationship has problems, and couples counseling or relationship counseling is in no way a sign that your relationship is doomed. Even business partners can attend relationship counseling. If you’re worried that asking your partner to go to relationship counseling means that your relationship is already past the point of saving, you’re absolutely wrong. While some couples do decide that they no longer wish to participate in the relationship, many people leave couples counseling or relationship counseling feeling more secure in their relationship than ever.

No one is perfect, and imperfect people miscommunicate with the best intentions all the time. Additionally, everyone comes with their own set of coping mechanisms that can, at any time, become no longer useful, and these can turn into problems in a relationship. It’s all normal. You’re only human. Your partner(s) is only human. We’re all trying to figure out how to do life together, and sometimes it can get sticky. It’s perfectly normal.

5 ways to tell your partner you want to go to couples therapy

There are countless ways to tell your partner(s) that relationship counseling has been on your mind. However, the most effective way to approach the subject will disarm your partner(s) and give you both (or all) hope. The top five tips that we recommend clients follow when bringing this up are:

1. Acknowledge that there is a problem with the relationship, not with your partner, and be specific

2. Make it about strengthening the relationship and your future

3. Bring it up gently so that your partner(s) doesn’t feel ambushed

4. Make it stress- and pressure-free

5. Tell your partner you love them

It’s you and your partner(s) against the problem, not you against your partner(s)

One surefire way to make your partner(s) feel defensive is to tell them they’re the problem. It can help to be specific about why you want to go to relationship counseling and then remind them that you are a team. Instead of a quick “we need relationship counseling because we need help,” try something like “It seems to me that every time we talk about simple decisions, we end up fighting. I think it could be beneficial to get professional guidance on how to communicate more effectively.” Remind your partner(s) that you’re on the same team and that this is a mutual issue. Blame has no place in this discussion. Working as a team means accepting the mutual behaviors that got you here—you’re in this together.  

Focus on strengthening the relationship and make it about the future

Saying “I’ll divorce you if you don’t go to counseling” is a pretty aggressive and ineffective way of asking your partner to go to counseling. Instead, tell your partner(s) that you want to stay together and really care about the future of your relationship. Focus your request on how you want to strengthen the relationship but steer clear of threats and blame surrounding ending the relationship.

Tell your partner that you really want your relationship to work, and that’s why you’re so passionate about going to counseling. You can say something like “I’m starting to feel a little bummed about where we’re at as partners, and I’m worried about our future. I don’t want to wait until we hate each other to work this out.”

Don’t surprise or pressure your partner

Surprising your partner or blurting something heavy out is generally ill-advised if you can help it. Find a relaxed time and place to start an open discussion. Instead of just telling your partner(s) you want to go to relationship or couples counseling, ask them how they feel about the idea of going to counseling and let it be a discussion and a choice. Allow your partner the space to process your request and contribute to the discussion in a meaningful way. It’s important to remember that you are partners, and allowing this to be a decision made in partnership with each other can help set you up for success with your counseling experience.

Tell your partner you love them

This is perhaps the most important part, and you should do it no matter what approach you take. Of course, be honest. If you don’t love your partner, then maybe reconsider relationship counseling. There is little sense in trying to save a relationship with someone you don’t love. However, bookend your request by telling your partner(s) that you love them and that’s why you want to go to counseling. Remind your partner(s) that you think they and the relationship are worth fighting for. Try to see relationship or couples counseling as an act of love and commitment. With the right counselor, relationship counseling can help you and your partner feel more secure, assured, and connected than ever before. Always tell your partner(s) you love them.

What to do if you don’t think your partner will be receptive

Not knowing your partner will be receptive to the idea of counseling can cause an added layer of stress. If you feel confident that your partner will say no, then there are two routes you can take to still get the help and support you need. First, frame it as your own counseling. Assure your partner that it’s okay that they don’t want to go to relationship counseling right now and ask them if they would be willing to come to some of your individual sessions to help you. You can say something like “I understand if you don’t want to go to relationship counseling. I would still like to work on myself, so I’ll go to individual counseling. Would you be open to coming to a few of my individual sessions to help me figure out what’s going on?” This approach may help your partner warm up to the idea of counseling and not feel pressured to go themselves.

The other approach you can take if you don’t think your partner will be receptive to relationship counseling is to ask if there is something that would help them be more open to it. For instance, you can offer to have your partner be involved in choosing the counselor or agreeing to only attend a limited number of sessions as a trial run. By doing this, you’re allowing your partner to have some control over the process. It’s natural that we desire control, and there are countless reasons why your partner(s) may be wary of counseling or therapy. Respecting this concern can be a great first step in laying a solid foundation for success with counseling.  

When to bring up relationship counseling

The key to relationship counseling is to get in before your relationship is in serious hot water. I like to tell my clients that their relationship is like a car. If your check engine light comes on but your car seems to be running fine, you have two choices: take the car in to see what’s wrong, or you can ride it out until it breaks down. If you go in right away, you can likely tend to the issue relatively easily. However, it’s a lot more costly to wait until it’s too late. Checking in periodically and making sure that everything is working well is essential to keeping your relationship running smoothly.

The strongest relationships are not the ones that pretend everything is fine; they’re the ones that tend to issues as they arise. Making sure that you and your partner(s) are on the same page and happy in the relationship is always a good idea. You don’t need to feel like you’re at your wits end to go to relationship counseling, and you really shouldn’t wait until you’re at this point. Sometimes you need someone else to step in and help disassemble any barriers to communication that daily life has created.

Finally, you’ve got this

You have every right to ask your partner or partners to go to relationship counseling, and if you feel there is something in your relationship that you want help with, then finding a counselor is definitely the right move. Everyone could benefit from a little extra support now and again. Keep your focus on the positives of what could come from relationship counseling and try to remind yourself that you and your partner(s) are on the same team and you’re in this together. 

Relationships can be difficult, but they don’t have to stay that way. Finding a counselor is the first step in reigniting the passion and reclaiming your relationship. We specialize in helping relationships of all types. Read more about how we can help you and your relationship on our Couples Counseling page or feel free to reach out and ask us about how we can help your relationship specifically.

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Written by Ethan Bratt, LMFT, CST

Are you compromising wrong?

If you’ve ever been in any kind of relationship (so, everyone), then you’re familiar with compromising. In fact, you’ve likely been doing it since before you were capable of making long-term memories. Because compromise is such a normal part of existing in a group, we can sometimes do it without knowing why or how we’re doing it. Take language for example, a native English speaker can speak and write with relatively good grammar, but they may not be able to pass a grammar test; this isn’t because they don’t know how to do it but rather because they can’t articulate exactly why they do it this way. The same goes for a compromise. It seems simple: I want A, and you want B. So, we get both A and B or we get A this time and B next time. 

Unfortunately, it isn’t always this simple, especially in romantic relationships. Generally, a compromise means that all parties involved in a conflict or decision make a concession in order to come to a choice that best serves everyone. It is an important part of any healthy relationship because it allows partners to meet their needs together, build trust, and honor and respect the other person or people. However, not every relationship always gets compromise right. This can turn an opportunity for connection into a conflict. 

For this article, we’re going to take a look at a single couple.* One partner wants to go to the zoo, and the other doesn’t for various reasons. We’ll take this couple through a few situations wherein they both can and cannot compromise.  

*While we’re looking at a couple in this blog, everything can be, and should be, applied to polyamorous relationships as well. 

What is a compromise? 

A compromise seems simple: it’s what happens when two or more parties each want something different, and each side makes a concession. Essentially, a compromise is truly as simple as it seems, as long as the issue at hand is an issue that can actually be compromised. Therein lies the main issue: not everything can be compromised and not knowing what to do when you’re stuck is not only unhelpful but can be harmful. 

What people get wrong about compromising

There are three main things people get wrong about compromise. 

1. They think everything can be compromised 

2. They get lost in the details and don’t see it from their partner’s perspective

3. They think compromise is about fairness

Yes, a compromise is about making sure that all parties are involved in a decision, but there are delicate components that are often overlooked. Next time you find yourself in a situation where you need to compromise, use this list to make sure you’ve checked all the boxes and strengthened your relationship in the process. Sometimes dinner and a movie isn’t just dinner and a movie.  

Not everything can be a compromise 

An issue cannot be compromised when it involves deeper meaning, morals, hopes, and dreams. When something is of little consequence to us, we might assume that it’s of little consequence to our partner(s) as well. However, it’s not always that simple, and communication is key to figuring out whether the issue at hand can actually be compromised. So, let’s look at our couple: 

When the issue can be compromised: 

• Both partners just want a date afternoon and aren’t particularly opposed to either location for moral or ethical reasons. The location of the date is inconsequential as long as they’re together.

When the issue can’t be compromised: 

• One partner is morally or ethically opposed to the zoo 

• One partner has a deep emotional attachment to their chosen location 

If an issue, like where to go on your date, is of little consequence to you but your partner is really excited to go on a date at the zoo because they’re passionate about the animals, then maybe you just go to the zoo. However, if you’re morally opposed to zoos and refuse to patronize them, then you’ve found yourself at an impasse because this issue is no longer something that can be compromised. 

So, what do you do? Clearly, the zoo is out of the question, but your partner still wants to enjoy the immersive learning experience and day out that the zoo provides. Perhaps you can find an animal rescue to visit, you can volunteer and the animal shelter together, or spend the day at a science museum or botanical garden. This way, both people feel important and both people’s dreams and morals are being honored. 

If the compromise is something that leaves either person feeling like they aren’t being true to themselves or that they are going against what is right, good, ethical, or moral, then compromising won’t work. In fact, it’s likely to contribute to some bad feelings, distance, or possibly even resentment. Always make sure to determine why the other person wants what they want. What is inconsequential to you may not be to them. 

They get lost in the details and don’t see it from their partner’s perspective

Oftentimes, people get stuck on trying to get what they want and end up getting lost in the details instead of working with their partner on the parts that actually matter. Compromise only works when the issue is purely circumstantial, like deciding whether to go to the zoo or the science museum. An issue that is not purely circumstantial would be when one partner wants to go to the zoo for their date night and one partner doesn’t think the zoo is “a good use of money right now.” 

In this zoo-going example, one partner could get so lost trying to convince their partner to go to the zoo that they fail to see the other person’s real concern. And the other partner could be so lost in the details about finances that they fail to see what the other person is really asking for. The partner who wants to go to the zoo really wants to spend quality time together somewhere they enjoy, and the other partner is really just concerned about having enough money to pay the bills. 

Getting lost in the details about what you really want makes it difficult to get down to the deeper meaning. In this instance, if the couple discusses their real concerns, they will likely be able to come up with a more cost-effective experience that is still somewhere they enjoy. However, if they get too lost in the details, they’ll likely end up with conflict instead of compromise.  

If there is a deeper meaning, you need to tend to that. If one partner is asked to sacrifice something deeply meaningful without feeling cared for regarding that issue, resentment can grow. Use this opportunity to make sure that your partner(s) feels like you’re hearing what they’re saying and understanding their concerns.  

Compromise isn’t about being fair

If you’re too busy “keeping score” to make sure that everything is fair, you might want to ask yourself and your partner(s) why. A relationship that is too focused on fairness is the perfect breeding ground for resentment. If scorekeeping is a consistent factor in your relationship, reach out to a relationship counselor. Deciding to go with A because you started with B last time works when something is entirely inconsequential, but it doesn’t work when you’re simply trying to make sure everything is fair.  

This is not to say that you shouldn’t consider fairness when compromising. If the sides seem to consistently lean in favor of one partner over the other(s), then you may be facing a bigger issue. Be honest with yourself and your partner(s) about what the trends in your relationship seem to be and seek counseling if needed. 

Sometimes you’ll feel stuck and won’t have an answer

If you do feel stuck, the first thing you should do is stop and ask why. Run through the list with your partner(s). You have to determine whether or not the issue can be compromised, and sometimes it’s not clear right away. It’s easy to make assumptions about what our partner(s) is thinking, but we’re oftentimes wrong. That said, there are two things to do first: 

1. Consider whether it’s about a deeper issue

2. Consider whether it’s measurably more important to one person

Once you’ve determined that it is an issue that can be compromised, decide if it’s more important to one partner. If your partner really wants to go to the zoo because it’s a meaningful experience for them, maybe you just go to the zoo.  

If it can’t be compromised, you and your partner will need to step back and maybe drop the issue altogether. For our couple, this might look like the zoo-going person going alone or with a friend and the two of them start planning the date from scratch.

Sometimes, compromise is just about doing what your partner wants because it’s more important to them than it is to you.  

The bottom line about compromises

Compromise really is an opportunity for all partners in a relationship to show each other that they matter. Everyone wants to feel like they matter and are special, especially in their romantic relationship. Talk with your partner(s) about the issue at hand and figure out whether it really is an issue of consequence. Whether or not it is, take advantage of the opportunity to allow you and your partner(s) to feel heard and cared for. Compromises can be beautiful moments of making sure that both partners feel held in the relationship. 

If you and your partner are struggling with conflict and compromising, you’re not alone. We help couples learn to compromise all the time and we can help you, too. Check out our page on Couples Counseling or reach out and get in touch to ask how we can help.

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Written by Ethan L. Bratt, MS, LMFT, CST

Ethan is the co-owner and clinical director of Pivotal Counseling, LLC. He has over 15 years of experience in the field and is licensed to practice in both Colorado and Wyoming. He sees clients in the Greeley, CO office and online. To learn more about him or see more of his blog articles, you can visit his bio page.

Pivotal Counseling, LLC is the leading provider of relationship and sexuality counseling to people on the northern front range and throughout Colorado and Wyoming. We help people from their pre-teen years to their post-retirement years to have happier and healthier relationships with themselves, their sexuality, and their loved ones.