How Adding Play to Relationship Conflict Makes Chang`e Easier

INVITATIONS VS. ULTIMATUMS

Imagine you are on a playground. You’re ten years old and you are surrounded by several children your own age. One of the kids tells you about the ‘superman trick’ they can do on the merry-go-round. After they demonstrate the trick to you, they invite you and all of the other kids to try it out too. Everyone is laughing, falling, losing their balance, and having a great time.

Now imagine that exact same scenario, except for that when the kid suggested you try the trick, it came with an ultimatum; something like, “If you don’t do the trick, you can’t play with us anymore”. What started as a fun-filled adventure with some new friends is suddenly a pass-fail test with a high potential for loss or embarrassment. These two scenarios represent a concept I call, Play vs. Pressure Vulnerability.

Merry Go Round - Play & Relationships

PRESSURE INCREASES THE LIKELIHOOD OF MISTAKES

Even though it may have been a while since you were on a playground, this concept has likely shown up in different areas in your life. Consider the last time you were asked to change a behavior or try something new. Were you permitted to make mistakes? What were the consequences of failing to do it perfectly? While there are times when it makes sense for us to stress about a perfect performance or outcome (ie. exams, interviews, etc.), the pressure of perfection can negatively impact the quality of our performance.This is why balance between pressure and play is vital. The first child in the scenario above had the pressure of trying something new and difficult but it happened in the context of a fun game.

ULTIMATUMS AND LOSS-AVERSION IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP

If you have ever had a relationship where conflict was especially challenging, you may have issued or been given an ultimatum, like “change this behavior or we need to break up”. Generally, ultimatums like this create the pressure we just talked about. The pressure then causes partners to walk on eggshells around each other in fear of losing the relationship. This can make every requested or suggested change seem intimidating for two reasons. First, is “loss-aversion”, or the fear or avoidance one exhibits when there is a cost on-the-line (ie. relationship, money, etc.). Second, is vulnerability, which is a protective state the brain enters when it feels susceptible to harm or criticism. The more there is to lose, the more vulnerable you feel, which makes it much harder to initiate or perform well in new tasks (for some research on this subject, click here).

In order to identify how loss-aversion may be impacting your relationship, it may be helpful to slow down and ask yourself what you are afraid will happen if you make a mistake. For example, if your partner is asking you to offer them more compliments, you may fear that one of your compliments will come across as objectifying, which could lead them to decide to end things with you. This fear may provoke stagnation in the behavior, because the risk feels too high. Once you have identified the fear, it can be helpful to explore whether it is rational or if you are thinking in terms of worst-case scenarios. It is most helpful to reach out to your partner and create a shared vision of what is expected (ie. perfection, failure, retrying attempts, etc.) as you endeavor to repair behaviors.

ONCE WE TAKE CARE OF LOSS-AVERSION, HOW DO WE ADD PLAY?

Play exists in your relationship. Granted, it may not show up in the form of Monopoly every night, but there are countless examples of play in almost every relationship. This is why I encourage partners to look at ways they have fun together when they are not in conflict (i.e. video games, hiking, karaoke, etc.) and find creative ways to bring that form of play into the new task. For example, partners could talk about financial problems while playing on a playground, or they could talk about sexual needs while hiking. Engaging in play with our partners creates a connection we can rely on, even when our attempts to make change do not go as intended.

WHEN LOSS AVERSION IS TOO OVERWHELMING

Whether the stakes are a loss of the relationship, a night on the couch, or an awkward moment, we tend to place an undue amount of pressure on ourselves to behave perfectly in relationships because of loss-aversion. This can be especially challenging when one has attachment trauma, history of abandonment, or relational anxiety.

While trying this skill out at home is absolutely possible (in fact, here’s a helpful tool to get you started!), it may be challenging to work through some of the deeper issues without exploring them more fully. For those looking for a bit of extra guidance, we at Pivotal Counseling are here to help! Reach out to schedule a free consultation or read more about our approach to relational counseling. We’re here if you need us.

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Written by Leighanna Nordstrom, MA, MFTC

Leighanna is a relationship and sex therapist who has been with Pivotal Counseling, LLC since 2019. She works  online with clients who are located in Colorado and Wyoming. To learn more about her and see more of her blog articles.

Pivotal Counseling, LLC is the leading provider of relationship and sexuality counseling to people on the northern front range and throughout Colorado and Wyoming. We help people from their pre-teen years to their post-retirement years to have happier and healthier relationships with themselves, their sexuality, and their loved ones.

Why Resentment Crushes Hope in Relationships

FEELING STUCK IN CONFLICT?

When trying to move past relational conflict, do you ever get the feeling you are dragging around a huge weight that prevents you from making progress? You may hear the heartfelt things your partner is saying and believe they want change, but for some reason you do not trust that change is possible. Clients come in and try to explain this indescribable resistance to the changes they need to get back to happiness. I call this the bag of resentment, and it is one of the most frustrating obstacles to push past as partners work towards peace. 

WHAT IS RESENTMENT?

In a simple Google search, you would learn that resentment is the “bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly”. What is not addressed, though, is that resentment can form regardless of if someone is intending to treat us unfairly. Since the intention behind our behavior does not always match the impact (for more on this check out this blog) our partners may draw conclusions about our intentions and build resentment based on those conclusions. For example, you may have built resentment toward the fact that your partner seems to constantly be working late, but your partner may be doing this so that your household can continue to thrive. Though the feelings of disconnection are valid regardless of their intent, your partner may be unaware that resentment has formed, and therefore helpless to prevent its growth. 

WHAT IS THE BAG OF RESENTMENT?

Simply put, the bag of resentment is your collection of proof that your frustration, hurt, or anger towards your partner is justified. It is where you store moments of difficulty in the relationship that do not get addressed when they happen, but surface in later moments of conflict either internally or externally. Left unnoticed, the bag of resentment can become a little voice in your head that encourages you to extinguish trust in your partner and hope for change. Over time, this voice can become toxic and make you hypervigilant to your partner’s frustrating or challenging behaviors. While it does not always end relationships, the bag of resentment can do great harm to relationships on shaky ground. This is why it is so important to address conflict when it happens, rather than allowing it to go unnoticed. 

HOW DO I GET RID OF THE BAG OF RESENTMENT?

While a collection of resentment doesn’t always serve us, it does come from real experiences. As such, it is not rational or realistic to hope the resentment will dissipate when we agree to try a different way. So how can you put the bag of resentment down? 

There is an old saying that goes “Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting he who hurt you to die”. Setting the bag of resentment down would be the antidote to the poison. To do this, it can be helpful to make a list of lessons you have learned from resentment and then look for resources to help use those lessons to make meaningful change. 

In relationships, I recommend that partners start by validating the existence of their partner’s resentment, which can be done whether they take responsibility for its creation or not. For example, one partner may say to the other, “I know it’s been really hard to deal with my busy work schedule and the way it impacts our connection. I’m committed to finding a different way to do things so that you do not have to feel that way anymore”. 

Once empathy and validation occurs, the partners can then make a simple commitment to one another; they both agree that as they are working toward change in their relationship, they will collect evidence about their efforts in two new “containers”. One is for efforts that have been successful or beneficial to the relationship. The other is for efforts that have gone poorly or had undesirable outcomes. While things that go in the first container can be celebrated and re-used, things that go in the second container will need to be evaluated. 

HOW DO I EVALUATE STRATEGIES?

Our culture doesn’t always do the best job teaching us foundational skills of communication. This means that when you enter therapy your clinician may start by asking you to practice things that seem juvenile or even childish. When clients discover that these skills are hard to learn after a lifetime of bad habits, they can be quick to discard them. While many of these skills are necessary for a healthy relationship dynamic, they can certainly be adapted to fit each unique relationship. This is why evaluation of ‘failures’ is a necessary part of growth . This begins with having a shared vision of desired outcomes. While it is important to create room for error as we work on new behaviors, it is helpful to discuss which specific parts of an intervention didn’t work in order to create space to make adjustments. It may be helpful to have an agreement with your partner about how long you will try an intervention before determining if it is useful or not. If evaluation feels uncomfortable or creates further conflict, it may be helpful to connect with a therapist who can help you navigate these challenging conversations. 

Sometimes, the basic strategies talked about above just aren’t quite enough. Maybe those bags are accompanied by breaks in trust, struggles with empathy, or other issues. If you or a partner are struggling to put down a bag of resentment or two (or three, or four) for any reason, we can help. Visit our couples counseling page or schedule a free consultation with one of our therapists to talk with us about your unique situation.

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Written by Leighanna Nordstrom, MA, MFTC

Leighanna is a relationship and sex therapist who has been with Pivotal Counseling, LLC since 2019. She works  online with clients who are located in Colorado and Wyoming. To learn more about her and see more of her blog articles.

Pivotal Counseling, LLC is the leading provider of relationship and sexuality counseling to people on the northern front range and throughout Colorado and Wyoming. We help people from their pre-teen years to their post-retirement years to have happier and healthier relationships with themselves, their sexuality, and their loved ones.

A Couples Therapist Reaction to Showtime’s “Couples Therapy”

THE PROBLEM WITH MOST TV THERAPY

Therapy shown on TV has traditionally walked the line between professional ethics violations and melodramatic reality shows. From Dr. Phil’s charming ‘no-nonsense’ attitude that parades ‘real’ folks in a near constant crisis stream, to the dramatized view of therapists as mysterious and broken healers with very few boundaries in shows like “Private Practice” or “House, M.D.”, therapy in popular media is often “Big Brother” with more books and furrowed brows. Of course I watched them all (and loved them) but thinking that Dr. Phil’s show has given an accurate depiction of the therapy process is like watching "Grey’s Anatomy” and thinking I am ready to perform my first triple bypass surgery. 

“COUPLES THERAPY” SYNOPSIS 

Then in walked Showtime’s mini-documentary series “Couples Therapy” which advertises itself as real therapy that follows a set of four couples as they work with a licensed therapist. Immediately, the tone of the show struck me with its realism and sharpness. The couples in the show are actually couples, made up of people sitting uncomfortably in the waiting room, fidgeting with their clothes, whose self-conscious, nervous laughter fills the silence. Dr. Orna, a quiet and somewhat unassuming woman with a fiercely direct presence, introduces herself as a psychoanalyst who will be leading the sessions. The couple’s names are shown to the viewer, they walk into the room, and the session begins. It's being recorded and so some level of performance is present, but the thrust of the show is just what the title suggests: bringing the viewer into a specific session of couples therapy. 

As a couples therapist, I was transfixed. The show finds a way to capture the magic and alchemy of the therapy room with a clear sense of respect for the process and all of those involved. The issues that are talked about range from the exploration and processing of childhood trauma, potential personality disorders, sexual disconnection, to the dissolution of relationships. These couples are real and bring their real problems to the therapy room hopeful for real solutions. Couples talk over each other, shut down, scream, say hurtful things, cry, all while Dr. Orna puts on a masterclass of therapeutic intervention. I quickly saw parts of myself and my relationships in the couples while also marveling at the uniqueness and particularity of the human experience.

THE SELF OF THE THERAPIST

The show’s genius rests squarely on Dr. Orna. Instead of presenting her as the enigmatic guru, unreachable at the top of some mountain, the documentary clearly tracks her process. She frequently narrates what she is noticing in between sessions and shows footage of her working with her clinical advisor and peer advisory group. Instead of having all the answers, Dr. Orna leans into the mystery of human change and transformation. She gets frustrated. She gets confused. She asks for help. Dr. Orna, is ultimately portrayed as a real, breathing, feeling person, just as all therapists are. “Couples Therapy” at its core, asserts that therapy is a human process, where humans meet together and try to find a way out of stress and suffering and towards happiness and meaning. This process is messy, non-linear, and quite often painful. But it works. The viewer sees the impact that the therapeutic process has on the couple and the therapist and it feels genuine and quite often precious.  

WHAT THERAPY IS AND WHAT THERAPY ISN’T

“Couples Therapy'' differs from other depictions of therapy in popular media in that it showcases actual, evidenced-based, psychoanalytic intervention in practice. Dr. Orna may present her process as one of realization, discovery, and continued effort towards a better approach but she is nonetheless doing highly intricate treatment. From a professional standpoint, her integration of best practice in sessions is clear and a breath of fresh air for the genre. Not every therapist will run a session like Dr. Orna (and they shouldn’t) but her sessions demonstrate what a high quality session of couples therapy could feasibly look and feel like. The show provides an example of the process, across a period of time, without skipping over the painful parts or emphasizing the successes. It's fundamentally about understanding the human experience, not exploiting it purely for entertainment’s sake. And it is captivating. 

When considering coming to therapy, it can be difficult to imagine what the process will be like, how it will feel, if it will be worth it. Part of this hesitancy, I think, comes from the kinds of popular stories we have in our cultural awareness about what therapy is. We know that our therapy won’t happen on national television, but what if it feels humiliating or exploitative? What if my therapist is an unreachable jerk or fails to demonstrate appropriate ethical boundaries? While these stories are possible, it is important to have parallel stories that depict some of the better possibilities as well. Maybe, like in Dr. Orna’s sessions, you will experience a sense of presence and connection with your therapist that is both comforting and empowering. Maybe you will understand why you do some of the things you do with startling clarity. Maybe you will learn to see and even to love yourself and your partner all over again (or for the first time!). 

THERAPY CAN BE FOR YOU TOO!

If you don’t know what therapy could look like apart from a studio audience and A-list actors, I suggest watching an episode or two of “Couples Therapy”. You will see people talking and a lot of questions; probably some tears as well. But keep watching and see if you can catch the sparks of realization, the moments of magic where change happens, or the deepening of heartfelt connection that makes the therapeutic process so powerful.

If you too would like to try out actual therapy, in all its messy, wonderful, human glory by yourself or with partners, we would love to journey alongside you. Visit our couples counseling page or schedule a free consultation with one of our therapists to talk with us about how we can help.

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Written by Conrad Frommelt, M.Ed., BCBA

Conrad is a clinical intern specializing in relationships and sexuality with Pivotal Counseling, LLC. He sees clients online and at both the Greeley and Fort Collins, CO offices. To learn more about him or see more of his blog articles.

Pivotal Counseling, LLC is the leading provider of relationship and sexuality counseling to people on the northern front range and throughout Colorado and Wyoming. We help people from their pre-teen years to their post-retirement years to have happier and healthier relationships with themselves, their sexuality, and their loved ones.

Couples Communication: It's not what you said, it's how you said it!

Relationships afford us opportunities for fun, play, creativity, safety, and growth. The scariest thing about growing in a relationship is being told what we are getting wrong by a person we love and trust. It is especially hard when the way they tell us their feelings comes across as harsh and hurtful. After all, that is where the old saying, “It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it” comes from.

It is rare in a healthy relationship that your partner is attempting to wound you with what they say or how they say it. Despite that fact, sadness, hurt, or anger are the common responses that follow their feedback. So, what do we do when our partner tries to share their feedback with us and it causes pain?

PERSPECTIVES MATTER

It starts by recognizing that people see the world in uniquely different ways, which can make it challenging to communicate difficult things clearly. Moving toward healthier communication requires a willingness to put yourself in your partner’s shoes and try to understand their perspective.

In the past few years, a new pattern of communication has emerged, called ‘Intent vs. Impact’, which encourages people to explore why a person said what they said and how it landed with the person who heard it.

DEFINING INTENT AND IMPACT

Most often, when a person initiates feedback in a relationship, they are trying to address thoughts and feelings and create positive consequences for all members of the relationship. This is defined as one’s intent. In all healthy relationships, it is important to be willing to look at the “why” behind the feedback, to make sure the feedback is thoughtful and useful.

Hearing feedback from one’s partner can provoke any number of thoughts and feelings associated, though sometimes only loosely, with what was said. This is defined as the impact. As the recipient of feedback, it is important to be able to articulate how it landed and what thoughts and feelings it provoked, as you are the only one who has access to that information. As the partner giving feedback, hearing and being accepting of the impact is vital to moving the conversation forward into a productive space.

WHICH IS MORE IMPORTANT?

While it may seem typical of a therapist to say, one is not more important to healthy communication. Both are valid and have their place in every conversation. However, what is most important is the timing of when to acknowledge each component.

It is somewhat common for a partner to want to justify their intentions, especially when they are caught off guard by the impact it had on their partner. Unfortunately, this can come across as insisting that the hurt feelings do not matter, because the intentions were pure. This is why thoroughly addressing the impact of feedback tends to be of a higher priority.

For example, let’s say Sam (he/him) and Alex (they/them) are getting ready for date night. Sam makes a lighthearted comment like, “I like the blue shirt better”. Alex ends up feeling insulted, but they may already know that Sam had no intention of insulting them. Since that knowledge doesn’t erase the impact, Alex chooses to let Sam know they felt hurt by the comment.

Most therapists would recommend that Alex carefully explain the impact it had on them. Sam would need to listen to the impact of his words with an open mind, and then empathize and validate how Alex experienced what he said. Having done this, Sam can then ask for permission to explain the intention behind his comment. When Alex is ready, they can listen to what Sam was hoping to accomplish when he gave the feedback. If necessary, the partners can then discuss how to offer similar feedback in the future in a way that will land better.

THIS IS A PROBLEM IN MY RELATIONSHIP: WHAT DO I DO?

For some partners, the knowledge that this new form of communication is out there will come as a breath of fresh air or an exciting new challenge. For others, it can feel incredibly daunting. If you notice misunderstandings popping up often in your relationship, or if you find yourself fearful of offering your partner(s) feedback, getting connected with a qualified therapist can be a helpful step in adjusting communication patterns.

OUR COUNSELORS HELP COUNTLESS RELATIONSHIPS DEVELOP HEALTHIER, HEALING COMMUNICATION AND WE CAN HELP YOU, TOO. VISIT OUR COUPLES COUNSELING PAGE OR SCHEDULE A FREE CONSULTATION WITH ONE OF OUR THERAPISTS TO TALK WITH US ABOUT YOUR NEEDS AND HOW WE CAN HELP.

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Pivotal Counseling, LLC is the leading provider of relationship and sexuality counseling to people on the northern front range and throughout Colorado and Wyoming. We help people from their pre-teen years to their post-retirement years to have happier and healthier relationships with themselves, their sexuality, and their loved ones.

4 Questions When You Discover an Affair

An affair can be a devastating injury to a relationship.  Your trust in your partner is shaken, and you may not know what to expect or how to move forward. Here are four questions that can be helpful to ask yourself as you navigate the whirlwind of emotions that may follow this discovery.

DO I HAVE ADEQUATE SUPPORT?

A common response to the discovery of an affair is to shut out the rest of the world until you have figured out a resolution. There could be many reasons why this is some people’s first instinct. Perhaps you are afraid of what people might think of your partner. Maybe you feel embarrassed that this could happen to you. Whatever the reason, your brain is telling you to keep this to yourself. Unfortunately, this isolation can make the problem seem much more gigantic and unsolvable. 

Reaching out to another loved one or a trusted professional can allow you to get the negative thoughts out of your body. Making the choice to seek support does not mean you have to reveal every detail of what happened. Whether you are looking for a shoulder to lean on, an alternate perspective, or a distraction it is okay to rely on the people around you. 

WHAT DO I DO WITH ALL THESE QUESTIONS?

With the discovery of an affair comes an inevitable barrage of questions. Whether you intend to end the relationship or you have decided to work through it, it is important to get the answers you need to begin to heal. You may be wondering how to get the answers if you are having difficulty trusting your partner. It is important to establish an agreement with them that they will answer your questions honestly. Inform your partner that you would like to know the truth, no matter how painful it might be. 

Once this arrangement has been made, you will want to take inventory of the questions you have. It is possible some of these questions were present the moment you discovered your partner was unfaithful. Others may flit in and out of your awareness as you move through the process. Either way, some questions are truly important to have answered while the answers to others may do more harm than good. Experts say it is important to evaluate whether you need to ask a question before posing it to your partner. One tip would be to focus on factual information (ie. am I at risk for an STI?) rather than value judgments (ie. Were they better in bed than me?).  

HOW DO I TALK TO MY PARTNER?

As with any difficult conversation, there can be a desire to ‘wait for the right time”. It is possible you are hoping the conversation will go better if your partner is in a good mood or if they have gotten enough rest. The unfortunate truth is you can only account for so many possibilities before you have to allow things to unfold naturally. Ensure you are in a safe, private place with as little distraction as possible. Since it is possible for the conversation to become heated, it can be helpful to choose a location that does not have emotional significance to either of you. Selecting a neutral location means you will not be creating negative memories in precious spaces. 

Once you have selected a location, you may begin to wonder how you are “supposed” to show up to the conversation. Whether you are feeling sad, scared, confused, outraged or any other difficult emotion,it is important to know your feelings are true and valid. There is no accurate way to feel when a person betrays your trust. While losing control of these emotions may not be the most helpful way to react, there is certainly no need to hide what you are feeling. While losing control of these emotions may not be the most helpful way to react, tShowing up authentically will ensure your partner is not surprised if these feelings come up in the future. 

WHAT DO I DO NEXT? 

There are three possible outcomes after an affair. You can choose to end the relationship, continue the relationship as it stands, or renegotiate boundaries and expectations and begin a new relationship. Regardless of which route you choose, it is important to approach your new normal with healing in mind. 

If you decide to end the relationship, consider reaching out to friends and family to support you through the transition. This can help you remain engaged in your healing process, rather than withdrawing. 

Often, couples rely on unspoken rules to determine what is acceptable behavior in their relationship. The purpose of renegotiating the rules is to ensure you and your partner understand them in the same context. If you are concerned about how this conversation may go, it might be helpful to work with a therapist.

OUR COUNSELORS HAVE HELPED DOZENS UPON DOZENS OF COUPLES NAVIGATE AFFAIRS OR INFIDELITY. WE CAN HELP YOU, TOO. CHECK OUT OUR PAGE ON COUPLES COUNSELING OR SCHEDULE A FREE CONSULTATION TO FIND OUT MORE ABOUT HOW WE CAN HELP. 

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