How Adding Play to Relationship Conflict Makes Chang`e Easier
INVITATIONS VS. ULTIMATUMS
Imagine you are on a playground. You’re ten years old and you are surrounded by several children your own age. One of the kids tells you about the ‘superman trick’ they can do on the merry-go-round. After they demonstrate the trick to you, they invite you and all of the other kids to try it out too. Everyone is laughing, falling, losing their balance, and having a great time.
Now imagine that exact same scenario, except for that when the kid suggested you try the trick, it came with an ultimatum; something like, “If you don’t do the trick, you can’t play with us anymore”. What started as a fun-filled adventure with some new friends is suddenly a pass-fail test with a high potential for loss or embarrassment. These two scenarios represent a concept I call, Play vs. Pressure Vulnerability.
Merry Go Round - Play & Relationships
PRESSURE INCREASES THE LIKELIHOOD OF MISTAKES
Even though it may have been a while since you were on a playground, this concept has likely shown up in different areas in your life. Consider the last time you were asked to change a behavior or try something new. Were you permitted to make mistakes? What were the consequences of failing to do it perfectly? While there are times when it makes sense for us to stress about a perfect performance or outcome (ie. exams, interviews, etc.), the pressure of perfection can negatively impact the quality of our performance.This is why balance between pressure and play is vital. The first child in the scenario above had the pressure of trying something new and difficult but it happened in the context of a fun game.
ULTIMATUMS AND LOSS-AVERSION IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP
If you have ever had a relationship where conflict was especially challenging, you may have issued or been given an ultimatum, like “change this behavior or we need to break up”. Generally, ultimatums like this create the pressure we just talked about. The pressure then causes partners to walk on eggshells around each other in fear of losing the relationship. This can make every requested or suggested change seem intimidating for two reasons. First, is “loss-aversion”, or the fear or avoidance one exhibits when there is a cost on-the-line (ie. relationship, money, etc.). Second, is vulnerability, which is a protective state the brain enters when it feels susceptible to harm or criticism. The more there is to lose, the more vulnerable you feel, which makes it much harder to initiate or perform well in new tasks (for some research on this subject, click here).
In order to identify how loss-aversion may be impacting your relationship, it may be helpful to slow down and ask yourself what you are afraid will happen if you make a mistake. For example, if your partner is asking you to offer them more compliments, you may fear that one of your compliments will come across as objectifying, which could lead them to decide to end things with you. This fear may provoke stagnation in the behavior, because the risk feels too high. Once you have identified the fear, it can be helpful to explore whether it is rational or if you are thinking in terms of worst-case scenarios. It is most helpful to reach out to your partner and create a shared vision of what is expected (ie. perfection, failure, retrying attempts, etc.) as you endeavor to repair behaviors.
ONCE WE TAKE CARE OF LOSS-AVERSION, HOW DO WE ADD PLAY?
Play exists in your relationship. Granted, it may not show up in the form of Monopoly every night, but there are countless examples of play in almost every relationship. This is why I encourage partners to look at ways they have fun together when they are not in conflict (i.e. video games, hiking, karaoke, etc.) and find creative ways to bring that form of play into the new task. For example, partners could talk about financial problems while playing on a playground, or they could talk about sexual needs while hiking. Engaging in play with our partners creates a connection we can rely on, even when our attempts to make change do not go as intended.
WHEN LOSS AVERSION IS TOO OVERWHELMING
Whether the stakes are a loss of the relationship, a night on the couch, or an awkward moment, we tend to place an undue amount of pressure on ourselves to behave perfectly in relationships because of loss-aversion. This can be especially challenging when one has attachment trauma, history of abandonment, or relational anxiety.
While trying this skill out at home is absolutely possible (in fact, here’s a helpful tool to get you started!), it may be challenging to work through some of the deeper issues without exploring them more fully. For those looking for a bit of extra guidance, we at Pivotal Counseling are here to help! Reach out to schedule a free consultation or read more about our approach to relational counseling. We’re here if you need us.
Written by Leighanna Nordstrom, MA, MFTC
Leighanna is a relationship and sex therapist who has been with Pivotal Counseling, LLC since 2019. She works online with clients who are located in Colorado and Wyoming. To learn more about her and see more of her blog articles.
Pivotal Counseling, LLC is the leading provider of relationship and sexuality counseling to people on the northern front range and throughout Colorado and Wyoming. We help people from their pre-teen years to their post-retirement years to have happier and healthier relationships with themselves, their sexuality, and their loved ones.
What is the top reason divorced coupes say they fought?
The answer isn’t sex or finances. Instead, it is something that couples counselors often help clients deal with.
If you ask most people this question, they’d likely respond with the standard issues everyone says couples fight about: money and sex. And while money and sex are big reasons some couples get divorced, it isn’t the most common reason for fighting (a more common reason for divorce than financial stress, by the way).
In a survey recently released by Forbes Advisor, they surveyed 1,000 divorcing or divorced people about the most common reason they experienced in their marriage for fighting. The number one answer? Career choices.
This answer may be surprising to some people but relationship and couples counselors won’t be shocked by this at all. We hear couples arguing about this all the time. Here are some of the biggest career choice factors that can drive conflict in a relationship.
Long Work Hours: Careers that demand long hours, such as those in finance, law, medicine, or corporate management, can leave couples with limited quality time together. This lack of time for bonding and communication can lead to feelings of neglect and isolation.
Frequent Travel: Jobs that require frequent travel can strain a marriage as one partner may be away from home for extended periods. This can lead to feelings of loneliness, insecurity, and difficulty in maintaining an emotional connection.
Relocation: A job that requires moving to a new city, state, or country might cause stress if both partners are not on the same page about the move. One partner might have to give up their own career prospects or social network, leading to resentment.
Differing Career Aspirations: If one partner is ambitious and focused on career advancement while the other values work-life balance or pursuing less financially lucrative but personally fulfilling endeavors, conflicts might arise regarding priorities and lifestyle choices.
Dual-Career Stress: When both partners are pursuing demanding careers, finding a balance between work and personal life can be challenging. This can result in stress, lack of quality time, and burnout for both individuals.
Role Conflicts: Traditional gender roles and societal expectations about career and family responsibilities can create tension if one partner's career demands conflict with their expected role as a parent or spouse.
Unpredictable Schedules: Jobs with unpredictable schedules, such as those in emergency services or entertainment, can disrupt family routines and make it difficult to plan and spend time together.
Although these issues may present challenges and potentially lead to conflict, it is important to recognize that they don’t have to result in the end of a relationship. If a couple is committed to building a relationship based on cooperation and a mutual desire to see each other’s hopes and aspirations met, these are very manageable issues to work through.
One way we help couples with conflict, whether about career choices or otherwise, is to help them learn how to cultivate an attitude of curiosity about each other’s goals and aspirations. Sometimes just having a better understanding of what each person is wanting helps to reduce or even eliminate the conflict right there. Sometimes though, that isn’t quite enough.
In our couples counseling work, we help couples learn how to go beyond just the events or decisions in discussing career choices and instead invite them to each understand the underlying dreams and hopes that are truly what makes their goals and aspirations so important to them. Sometimes the choice about relocation isn’t about the need to move but about finding opportunities. Conflict about unpredictable schedules is often less about the unpredictable schedule itself and lack of prioritizing certain things (like time together) when the job does allow for time. And often times frequent travel can be as much an opportunity for building a relationship as it can be a stressor.
If you and your partner could benefit from some help navigating conflict in your relationship (whether about career choices or otherwise), reach out or schedule a free consultation with one of our counselors. We’re here to help!