A Couples Therapist Reaction to Showtime’s “Couples Therapy”
THE PROBLEM WITH MOST TV THERAPY
Therapy shown on TV has traditionally walked the line between professional ethics violations and melodramatic reality shows. From Dr. Phil’s charming ‘no-nonsense’ attitude that parades ‘real’ folks in a near constant crisis stream, to the dramatized view of therapists as mysterious and broken healers with very few boundaries in shows like “Private Practice” or “House, M.D.”, therapy in popular media is often “Big Brother” with more books and furrowed brows. Of course I watched them all (and loved them) but thinking that Dr. Phil’s show has given an accurate depiction of the therapy process is like watching "Grey’s Anatomy” and thinking I am ready to perform my first triple bypass surgery.
“COUPLES THERAPY” SYNOPSIS
Then in walked Showtime’s mini-documentary series “Couples Therapy” which advertises itself as real therapy that follows a set of four couples as they work with a licensed therapist. Immediately, the tone of the show struck me with its realism and sharpness. The couples in the show are actually couples, made up of people sitting uncomfortably in the waiting room, fidgeting with their clothes, whose self-conscious, nervous laughter fills the silence. Dr. Orna, a quiet and somewhat unassuming woman with a fiercely direct presence, introduces herself as a psychoanalyst who will be leading the sessions. The couple’s names are shown to the viewer, they walk into the room, and the session begins. It's being recorded and so some level of performance is present, but the thrust of the show is just what the title suggests: bringing the viewer into a specific session of couples therapy.
As a couples therapist, I was transfixed. The show finds a way to capture the magic and alchemy of the therapy room with a clear sense of respect for the process and all of those involved. The issues that are talked about range from the exploration and processing of childhood trauma, potential personality disorders, sexual disconnection, to the dissolution of relationships. These couples are real and bring their real problems to the therapy room hopeful for real solutions. Couples talk over each other, shut down, scream, say hurtful things, cry, all while Dr. Orna puts on a masterclass of therapeutic intervention. I quickly saw parts of myself and my relationships in the couples while also marveling at the uniqueness and particularity of the human experience.
THE SELF OF THE THERAPIST
The show’s genius rests squarely on Dr. Orna. Instead of presenting her as the enigmatic guru, unreachable at the top of some mountain, the documentary clearly tracks her process. She frequently narrates what she is noticing in between sessions and shows footage of her working with her clinical advisor and peer advisory group. Instead of having all the answers, Dr. Orna leans into the mystery of human change and transformation. She gets frustrated. She gets confused. She asks for help. Dr. Orna, is ultimately portrayed as a real, breathing, feeling person, just as all therapists are. “Couples Therapy” at its core, asserts that therapy is a human process, where humans meet together and try to find a way out of stress and suffering and towards happiness and meaning. This process is messy, non-linear, and quite often painful. But it works. The viewer sees the impact that the therapeutic process has on the couple and the therapist and it feels genuine and quite often precious.
WHAT THERAPY IS AND WHAT THERAPY ISN’T
“Couples Therapy'' differs from other depictions of therapy in popular media in that it showcases actual, evidenced-based, psychoanalytic intervention in practice. Dr. Orna may present her process as one of realization, discovery, and continued effort towards a better approach but she is nonetheless doing highly intricate treatment. From a professional standpoint, her integration of best practice in sessions is clear and a breath of fresh air for the genre. Not every therapist will run a session like Dr. Orna (and they shouldn’t) but her sessions demonstrate what a high quality session of couples therapy could feasibly look and feel like. The show provides an example of the process, across a period of time, without skipping over the painful parts or emphasizing the successes. It's fundamentally about understanding the human experience, not exploiting it purely for entertainment’s sake. And it is captivating.
When considering coming to therapy, it can be difficult to imagine what the process will be like, how it will feel, if it will be worth it. Part of this hesitancy, I think, comes from the kinds of popular stories we have in our cultural awareness about what therapy is. We know that our therapy won’t happen on national television, but what if it feels humiliating or exploitative? What if my therapist is an unreachable jerk or fails to demonstrate appropriate ethical boundaries? While these stories are possible, it is important to have parallel stories that depict some of the better possibilities as well. Maybe, like in Dr. Orna’s sessions, you will experience a sense of presence and connection with your therapist that is both comforting and empowering. Maybe you will understand why you do some of the things you do with startling clarity. Maybe you will learn to see and even to love yourself and your partner all over again (or for the first time!).
THERAPY CAN BE FOR YOU TOO!
If you don’t know what therapy could look like apart from a studio audience and A-list actors, I suggest watching an episode or two of “Couples Therapy”. You will see people talking and a lot of questions; probably some tears as well. But keep watching and see if you can catch the sparks of realization, the moments of magic where change happens, or the deepening of heartfelt connection that makes the therapeutic process so powerful.
If you too would like to try out actual therapy, in all its messy, wonderful, human glory by yourself or with partners, we would love to journey alongside you. Visit our couples counseling page or schedule a free consultation with one of our therapists to talk with us about how we can help.
Written by Conrad Frommelt, M.Ed., BCBA
Conrad is a clinical intern specializing in relationships and sexuality with Pivotal Counseling, LLC. He sees clients online and at both the Greeley and Fort Collins, CO offices. To learn more about him or see more of his blog articles.
Pivotal Counseling, LLC is the leading provider of relationship and sexuality counseling to people on the northern front range and throughout Colorado and Wyoming. We help people from their pre-teen years to their post-retirement years to have happier and healthier relationships with themselves, their sexuality, and their loved ones.
The "Perfect" Relationship
Perfect relationships are a myth. Real relationships have problems and struggles. That doesn't mean they can't be perfectly healthy. Here are seven things that help make the "perfect" healthy relationship.
If you ask someone what a perfect relationship looks like, you probably wouldn't be surprised to hear phrases like "soul mates," "happily ever after," "we agree on everything," and "we complete each other."
Do any of those sound familiar? From fairy tales to multi-million dollar motion pictures, we've been fed the idea of a perfect relationship for thousands of years. Stories like Sleeping Beauty or Romeo and Juliet are exciting and fun. Who doesn't like the idea that if they could just find the right person, then they'd have the perfect relationship as the perfect couple? There is a reason we find those stories in the fiction section of the library: they're all completely unrealistic.
Real relationships have problems and struggles. That doesn't mean they can't be perfectly healthy. Here are seven things that help make the "perfect" healthy relationship.
1. "Perfect" couples fight right
The perfect couple fights. Why? Because every couple fights. What makes the perfect relationship different here is that they fight the right way. They fight about the issue, not the other person. There's no name-calling, no put-downs, no contempt. They focus on solving the problem.
2. "Perfect" couples care more about making things right than being right
No one likes being wrong. And the perfect couple probably doesn't like it either. They're just also willing to own where they each screwed up. They are eager to acknowledge their flaws and repair the damage from their mistakes.
3. "Perfect" couples know the difference between agreeing and understanding
Too many people think that if they genuinely understand their partner, they have to agree with them. Just because you tell your partner, "That makes a lot of sense," that doesn't mean you now have to tell them that they're right. Perfect couples get that it's crucial to understand your partner's emotions, thoughts, and hopes and that none of that means you have to give up your own.
4. "Perfect" couples take care of themselves first
Yes, that sounds backward, but it isn't. The perfect couple gets that life is tough for everyone, and they recognize that sometimes, the other person can't be there. And they don't see that as a threat to the relationship. They get the idea that "you can't pour from an empty cup" and realize that their partner can't offer what they need if they don't have it themselves.
5. "Perfect" couples prioritize the relationship
No, this doesn't contradict the previous item. The perfect relationship gets prioritized above other interests. That doesn't mean that nothing else is important. It does mean that when the relationship needs attention, it gets it. Other items get set aside, and it is "all hands on deck" to take care of each other.
6. "Perfect" couples remember that the other person chose them
Unchecked jealousy is a great way to kill a relationship. It's also easy to find ourselves feeling jealous. Perfect couples may have that pop up from time to time, but they also remind themselves and each other that they aren't going anywhere. They trust the commitment and do the work to keep the relationship one that both of them will want to keep choosing.
7. "Perfect" couples remember that relationships aren't perfect
Perfect couples know that the perfect relationship is an imperfect one. They are patient with each other, are quick to forgive, and anxious to do what they can to improve the relationship. Like a well-loved home that can always use some improvement, perfect couples embrace the imperfection and know that their relationship, like every relationship, will always take work.
If you want to know how we can help you build your perfect relationships, check out our page on Couples Counseling.
Pivotal Cousneling, LLC is the leading provider of relationship and sexuality counseling to people on the northern front range and throughout Colorado and Wyoming. We help people from their pre-teen years to their post-retirement years to have happier and healthier relationships with themselves, their sexuality, and their loved ones.