What should I do when my partner has shut down emotionally

Everyone has bad days, and sometimes those bad days turn into bad weeks. In every relationship, there are ups and downs, a period when one partner is giving far more than the other. In a healthy relationship, this is normal. However normal this is, though, it can be really difficult when one partner starts to shut down emotionally. Many people find this scary and uncomfortable, and many people start to worry that their partner is shutting down emotionally because they don’t want to be in the relationship anymore. Oftentimes, this is not the case. So, let’s talk about what you should do when your partner starts to shut down emotionally.

How do I know my partner is shutting down emotionally?

If you have been with your partner for a prolonged period, you likely will be able to tell that your partner is shutting down emotionally. The early signs may look something like:

• Becoming distant

• Spending more time alone

• Staring off in the distance

• Closing off a conversation

• Actively avoiding certain topics

• Seeming numb

Of course, this list is not exhaustive, and everyone responds to stress differently, meaning your partner’s response may look quite different. You know your partner within the context of your relationship best, so trust your instincts and keep an open line of communication with your partner.

If you notice your partner showing more severe signs of disconnection such as disassociation, loss of enjoyment, sense of meaninglessness, emotional eating, self-harm, or the use of substances, it may be a good time to reach out to your partner and express your concern in a non-confrontational way.

Why do some people shut their partner out emotionally?

A lot of the time, people don’t shut their partners out because they don’t want to continue the relationship. Being in a relationship is a vulnerable place to be, and some people may shut out the people who know them best in order to avoid judgment or disappointment. It could also be that your partner simply doesn’t have the emotional bandwidth to deal with whatever the stressor is. Another reason people tend to shut their partners out is because they don’t have the capacity to deal with the stressor itself and their partner’s reaction to it.

If your partner is shutting down emotionally, remind yourself that it’s likely not about you. Your partner just may not have the capacity to deal with the entirety of the situation at the moment and shutting down is how they can best navigate what’s happening right now.

What does it mean when someone shuts down emotionally and does it mean the relationship is over?

When your partner is shutting down emotionally, it means they are hurting. Generally, if your partner is shutting you out emotionally, it doesn’t mean that they don’t want to be with you anymore. We dissociate in this way when we are dealing with pain (emotional, mental, or physical) that is overwhelming to us, our brain shuts down our emotions to help protect us. It’s a form of the “freeze” in fight, flight, or freeze.

Shutting down emotionally is a form of dissociation, of turning off a connection with ourselves and what is going on. Essentially, your partner may be shutting down because their body is telling them that shutting down is the best way to stay safe. Give your partner grace as they navigate this stress response.

What do you do when someone is worried that their partner is shutting down emotionally?

If you’re worried that your partner has shut down emotionally, there are myriad responses that can arise. Some people may begin to panic, some may shut down in response, and some may cling on tighter in an effort to keep their partner. Of course, this is not an exhaustive list of responses. All of these responses are born out of past experiences and are reactionary. If you feel that your partner is shutting down emotionally, take some time to ground yourself in the logic: this is likely about them, not you or the relationship. So, what do you do when you feel your partner is starting to shut down emotionally?

• Remember that we all struggle at times

• Give them space before you panic

• Self-care

• Support them in the ways you can

• Let them know you’re concerned about them but you’re there for them if they need to talk

• Encourage them to find someone they can talk to even if it isn’t you (sibling, friend, parent, pastor, therapist, etc.)

• Accept it if they say they don’t want to talk to anyone but also ask them to consider how they would know if it *was* time to talk to someone even if they don’t want to.

• Remember that there is a difference between “I don’t like that you’re struggling and want to help” and “I am worried about your well-being because of how severe or prolonged this is.” Speak up about both of these, but don’t confuse them.

How can I support my partner while they’re shutting down?

The first way that you can support your partner when you start to notice that they’re shutting down is to gently tell them you notice. They may want to talk about it, and they may not. Either way, let your partner choose where they want to go in the moment but remain supportive and gentle. Giving your partner a little space to navigate the stressor can be really helpful; a lot of people end up naturally figuring things out if they are given the time and space to do so. 

The most important way you can support your partner who is going through a difficult time is to make sure you don’t ignore them or shut down in kind. Ask your partner if they know what would feel helpful or supportive for them. Even a simple reminder that you love them and are available to talk if they want to is helpful. Other times, practical support like making them a meal or taking something off their to-do list can make a big impact. Meet your partner where they are and in a way that works for them. 

Another really important way to support your partner is to be persistent with your partner. Don’t ask if they’re okay once and assume they’ll come to you. Check in with them regularly and ask if the kind of support they needed is still what they need. This can be a difficult line to navigate, as you don’t want to pester and pressure your partner but instead to gently and consistently remind them that you’re there. It may be helpful to ask your partner how often you can check in with them or what ways of checking in would feel most supportive.

How do I still get my needs met when I feel like my partner is emotionally unavailable?

If you’re in a relationship with someone who is dealing with a chronic mental health condition like anxiety or depression and tends to shut down emotionally, it can start to feel frustrating and like your needs aren’t being met. Don’t count your partner out if this is the case. In fact, asking your partner to meet one of your needs may actually be a welcome distraction for them.

It can be helpful to give your partner an out. Let’s say that you want to watch a movie with your partner. Let them know that you want to do this but assure them that it’s okay if they have to get up to do something else or check out on their phone during the movie. This releases them from the pressure of being fully present and can help them feel more emotionally available if they know they can opt-out at any time. This way, your partner can at least try instead of saying no right away.

Another great way to get your needs met is to lean on family and friends. Your partner shouldn’t be your only source of support, and in these times, having other people to help hold you up can give you the boost you need to keep supporting your partner.

Lastly, don’t count yourself out. You can meet your needs. You can take yourself out for a nice meal or draw yourself a hot bath. You can read a fun book or listen to an exciting podcast. There are a lot of ways that you can meet your own needs while your partner is having a difficult time.

Final thoughts

Trust your partner and your relationship. Don’t be afraid to seek out support for yourself. Whether you’re looking for individual counseling or relationship counseling, finding a supportive counselor can help you get the support you need while respecting the boundaries of your relationship. At Pivotal Counseling, we help individuals and partners navigate all sorts of issues that can get in the way of feeling connected in relationships. If you’re ready to schedule your counseling session and start feeling connected and cared for again, call (970) 281-4677 or schedule a consultation online.

How to reclaim your independence in a long-term relationship

When you’ve been in a relationship for years and years, it can be easy to lose yourself a bit. In fact, for many of us, losing yourself is the norm, the expectation, the go-to pop culture example of relationship ideals. For example, think about Lily and Marshall from How I Met Your Mother and every time we combine people’s names like Brangelina; it’s almost as if a “good” couple is a couple of people who become a single person with a single identity. Popular as this may have been (or still is), it’s actually quite unhealthy. The couples who have healthy long-lasting relationships are the ones who are able to maintain a healthy balance of “me” and “we.”

For the purposes of this discussion, we’re talking about people who are in an otherwise healthy relationship. For people in abusive and manipulative relationships, some of this may not apply, and deeper healing and help will be required to get out of the relationship and back to yourself. Your safety should be your primary concern.

If you are in an abusive relationship, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-7233 or text “START” to 88788 for confidential support. If you can and are comfortable with it and feel safe doing so, please seek a qualified professional in your area for ongoing therapeutic support.  

Why do people tend to lose themselves in relationships?

There are a lot reasons we tend to lose ourselves in a relationship. Oftentimes, we’ve seen that people lose their individuality with the best of intentions: people want to please their partner(s). It can feel pretty innocuous. We want to feel safe and secure in our relationship, and we tend to think that surrendering to our partner(s) will help us feel this way. A lot of people end up losing themselves in an effort to become the person we think our partner wants us to be.

Another reason people tend to lose themselves in a relationship is because time is at a premium. We only have so much time in a day, and balancing everything we have to do can mean that we have to let some things go by the wayside. When you’re in a relationship, the thing we tend to let go is our individuality because we want to spend time doing things with our partner(s). It isn’t always, or is hardly ever, sinister.

What happens to the relationship when people lose their individuality within a relationship?

When people lose their individuality in their relationship, the relationship can start to feel stale. Even worse, it can lead to feelings of resentment, and some people even start to feel like their partner is to blame for their loss of self. For a while, it might seem like things are going great. We feel good about being close and connected but then we may start to get frustrated and feel a little smothered or dissatisfied. It’s easy to blame the relationship when in reality it’s because we let go of something that was a part of us.

Essentially, not only can we lose ourselves, but we can also lose sight of how it happened. No matter how well-intentioned it began, it’s not healthy for the relationship or the individuals within it.

Why are boundaries important in finding your individuality again?

Boundaries got an unfortunate reputation somewhere along the way. A lot of people, particularly people who are people pleasers, think that the best way to be accepted and “keep the peace” is to forgo their own boundaries and wishes to make the other person or people around them comfortable. A lot of people associate boundaries as something we put in place with someone who is unhealthy. However, when you’re in a healthy relationship, boundaries serve as guidelines to lift up and support each person’s wellbeing.

In a healthy relationship, boundaries create clear distinctions between what is you, me, and us. Let’s pretend that your relationship is a sheet of paper and you and your partner both share a box of crayons. Boundaries would be the outline of a beautiful picture you get to color together. However, without boundaries, you don’t know where to color and may end up with a mess of clashing colors and no distinct picture. In essence, boundaries help us define how your relationship functions and maintains a healthy balance of being individuals and being “us”.

Oftentimes people think that if they truly love someone, they need to do whatever the other person wants. This ultimately ends with people getting lost in each other and a big blurry mess of colors. Not having boundaries in a relationship can cause something with the potential to be beautiful to turn into something wholly unrecognizable.

How to start reclaiming your individuality within a relationship

If you’re worried you’ve already lost yourself, don’t worry too much. You can find yourself again and stay happy in your relationship (if that’s what you want)! The first step I recommend to people who want to begin this process is to start considering what you miss about yourself or the person you want to become again. Get curious about which aspects of you are missing currently and which aspects you want to reclaim.

Let’s say that before you began your current relationship, you spent every opportunity you had backpacking alone to reconnect with yourself and nature. Perhaps doing this every weekend is simply out of the question right now because you don’t have time or space for it, but is there some way that you can start to bring some of that back in? Could you perhaps go backpacking once a month? Once every few months? Maybe you only have time for day hikes. However you can start to reclaim those little aspects of who you are is a huge win, even if they feel like huge concessions in the moment. Reclaiming yourself doesn’t have to be all or nothing, and it doesn’t mean you don’t love your partner(s). 

How can people support their partner(s) through this transition?

Reestablishing boundaries in a long-term relationship can feel scary for a number of reasons that we don’t have space to get into here. Any one of them can result in it feeling really intimidating and almost threatening feeling to you or your partner(s). Have a conversation with your partner(s) about what it is about the relationship that you want to protect and hold on to. You can also reassure your partner(s) that this will be a slow process and that they get to have input in terms of what this looks like for the relationship.

It can also be helpful to remind your partner why you want to do this and reassure them that you want to strengthen your relationship by strengthening your relationship with yourself. Hold space for your partner’s experience and encourage them to come along with you on the quest to become individuals again.

How can a counselor support couples and individuals through this transition?

When you feel insecure in your relationship or find that you’re feeling smothered by it, it’s helpful to seek out guidance from a counselor. Typically, when we’re dealing with extreme ends of the spectrum, it indicates that there are underlying beliefs at play that can be complicated to see and work through when you’re in the middle of it. These beliefs can be fears, anxieties, beliefs about how relationships work, beliefs about your own worth, etc. Having someone who is trained to help recognize how those patterns are playing out and impacting you and your experience gives you a better opportunity for those patterns to be spotted and addressed. It’s like that phrase “you can’t see the forest through the trees,” or why a lifeguard doesn’t get in the pool with everyone; if you’re too close, you can’t see the bigger picture.

A counselor will be able to help you get to the root of how you got lost in each other and how to reclaim your individuality in a way that serves each partner and the relationship.

The bottom line

You are your own unique person who brings something special to each of your relationships. Losing yourself in your relationship doesn’t help anyone, and you deserve to love yourself for who you are. Relationships are stronger and more beautiful when they’re made up of individuals. If you’re ready to embark on this journey and want a little extra guidance, you can reach out to us here at Pivotal Counseling or read more about how we support relationships of all kinds on our Couples Counseling page. This is your relationship, and you deserve to show up in it authentically.