Keep It Steamy, Keep It Sharp: Why The Golden Years Should Be The Sexy Years
We all know that a healthy relationship with your sexuality, whatever that may be, is part of being a happy, whole person. But it’s also pretty important for your physical health. For instance, sex can lower blood pressure, boost your immune system, decrease certain health risks like heart attack and prostate cancer, and improve your sleep (WebMD, 2024). Now, according to an article in the BBC’s Science Focus magazine, you can add a new health bonus to that list: improved cognitive function for older adults.
Sex really can help you enjoy your life to the fullest for as long as possible. Of course, we are not advocating for people to have more sex that they don’t want, force themselves to have sex for the sake of future cognition, or to focus purely on quantity. In fact, a lot of the cognitive benefits to be gained from sex are because of the interpersonal relationship with a partner, not just anyone and not just any sex. Have good sex with someone you want to have sex with and who wants to have sex with you. Satisfaction and connection are some of the essential components at play here.
Why does sex improve cognition?
There are a lot of things happening when you’re having sex. Of course, your body is releasing a cocktail of feel-good hormones and blood flow is increasing, but what’s perhaps more important is that your brain is generating new neurons, which is a big deal. As the National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke states, “Neurons are nerve cells that send messages all over your body to allow you to do everything from breathing to talking, eating, walking, and thinking.”
Sex with a partner is a team sport, and there’s also a lot that goes into that. The social interplay and teamwork involved with partnered sex helps people work on team problem-solving, anticipating needs, expressing their own needs, and feeling intense physical and emotional connection. Sexual health is a pivotal component of overall physical and emotional health.
Is the answer more sex or better sex?
This depends on what age you’re asking about. However, better sex is never a bad thing. A paper published in 2023 found that between the ages of 62-74, the quality and satisfaction of your sex was more important for cognitive functioning, but during ages 75-90, it was the quantity of sex that made the most impact on cognitive function.
According to an article from Penn State published in 2023, researchers “found that declines in sexual satisfaction and erectile function were correlated with future memory loss” and put people at higher risk for cardiovascular disease, Alzheimer’s disease, dementia, and other stress-related cognitive decline issues. That said, putting an emphasis on sexual satisfaction and nurturing a healthy and enjoyable sex life in middle age does in fact have an impact on your overall quality of life as an older adult.
The answer is always better sex, but once you’ve hit older age, maybe put more of an emphasis on quantity over quality. Your brain will thank you.
How do I start having more and better sex?
As a sex therapist in Northern Colorado, I am frequently asked this question, but there isn’t a simple answer to this. There are plenty of resources that you can seek out to help you have better and more sex, but we need to start here: sex is not a panacea to cognitive disorders in old age, and if you’re not upset with your sex life and it isn’t a problem for you, then it’s not a problem.
Now that we have this out of the way, there are things you can do to improve the quality (and frequency) of the sex you are having. Starting by talking to your partner about the sex you want to be having is a great place to start, but we’ll be getting into this in more depth in future posts, so for now, suffice it to say that there are a ton of resources out there that are designed and written by people who truly just want to help people have sex they love having.
Books
There are a number of resources that you (and a partner(s)) can read to help improve your sex life, including Emily Nagoski’s new book Come Together: The Science (And Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connection. We have mentioned many other resources in other blogs that you can look to, but Nagoski’s new book is incredibly timely given the research about sex and cognitive function. To find sexual satisfaction in long-term and long-lasting relationships, read what she has to say. You won’t regret it.
Podcasts & other online resources
There are a number of podcasts dedicated to helping people lead sexually fulfilling lives, including:
Each of the podcasts listed above also offers online courses and/or other resources that are rooted in science and therapeutic best practices. If you choose to look online for courses or ebooks about sex, make sure you do your research when it comes to the creators of the content. Not all content is created equally or comes from the same scientific and therapeutic background. Make sure you are vetting the creators of the content you choose to ensure you don’t end up with something that doesn’t align with your values.
Individual, couples, or sex therapy
If you’re hoping to get right in and work on you and your relationship right away, the best thing you can do is seek out sex therapy near you. Whether you want individual or couples sex therapy, working on the things with a (confidential) third party can be a game changer. A therapist can often see issues that you or your partner(s) may not have noticed or registered. Working with a therapist can help you break down cultural, psychological, emotional, and religious barriers that are standing in between you and a satisfying sex life.
If you are experiencing painful sex or sexual dysfunction, schedule an appointment with your healthcare provider to rule out any underlying medical causes and seek appropriate treatment.
Sex is a matter of quality of life
Most people like pleasure, and sex offers so many physical and mental health benefits that it’s hard to deny how important sex can be to a person’s overall wellness. Wherever you stand with your sexuality, relationship to pleasure, or your sexual relationship(s), prioritizing pleasure and healthy sexual relationships can only serve to enhance your quality of life–for a really long time. The bottom line is that prioritizing your sexual health now can have profound impacts on your brain health when you reach older age.
If you’re not sure where to start or are just ready to get some truly personalized help with your relationship to sex, sexuality, pleasure, or your partner(s), finding a sex therapist is the best way to set you (and your brain) up for future success. If you’re looking for a Greeley, CO sex therapist, Pivotal Counseling helps clients throughout northern Colorado make the most out of their relationships. You can call (970)-281-4677 or schedule an appointment online to get started.
How to reply when your partner says “We don’t need counseling”
Telling your partner that you want to go to couples counseling requires being really vulnerable. When your partner says they don’t want to go or don’t think it’s necessary, it can be frustrating, disappointing, and discouraging. However, it doesn’t mean that your partner doesn’t want to work on the relationship, and it doesn’t mean that you’re in a hopeless situation. So, instead of sitting with anger and hopelessness, what can you do? If you don’t know how to reply when your partner says that you don’t need couples counseling, then you have come to the right place.
What do I do when my partner doesn't think couples counseling is necessary?
Not everyone wants to go to counseling, and their reasons are their own. As the partner who wants to go to couples counseling, it’s important to recognize that, generally speaking, your partner’s reaction to the proposal of counseling is about them, not you or your relationship. In fact, we just wrote a whole post about this. Read more about that here. For our purposes here, suffice it to say that you can leave some space for your partner to deal with whatever is coming up for them, and start with yourself. Look into individual counseling. If they refuse to go, you can’t force them, and it’s likely not about you. Focus on what you can control: you and your healing.
Another option in this situation is to get creative and ask your partner if they are open to some other options. You could recommend reading or listening to a book together, finding a retreat or marriage seminar, or watching some videos on improving relationships (we have some suggestions below). Many well-educated people want the information they have to be in as many hands as possible, and fortunately for all of us, that means that there is no shortage of wonderful resources that can help your relationship regardless of whether your partner wants to actually go to counseling.
Does individual counseling matter if you really need couples counseling?
Yes! Absolutely. Let’s use a quick metaphor: You have two legs, and one of your legs is out of commission because of a knee injury. You can’t just sit around nursing one knee and ignoring the other leg as a whole. Surely, you can do that, but then you’ll end up with two legs that need to be rehabilitated, not one. So, while you’re waiting for the injured knee to heal, you need to still work out the healthy leg so you don’t double the work you have to do once the other knee is healed. Individual counseling functions much the same way in a relationship. You can work on yourself regardless of whether or not your partner wants to join you. This may help you avoid some problems, and it will certainly help you as an individual. However, it’s important to remember that you cannot carry the relationship alone. No matter how much work you do, you can’t compensate for your partner not doing any work at all. You can only do as much as you can do for yourself; this will be helpful, but it likely won’t be enough to fully repair your relationship.
In short, yes. It does matter. You deserve to be healthy and whole.
Can I fix the relationship without couples counseling if I think we really need it?
In truth, it depends. On the one hand, people have been solving relationship problems without professional help for centuries, since the beginning of relationships, really. So, yes, some relationships can get better without couples counseling. The caveat, here, though, is that you can’t fix a relationship by hoping that it will get better and not doing anything else. Without professional help, you will need to really lean into the hard work and heavy lifting that goes into repairing a relationship.
On the other hand, there are a lot of relationships who barely make it with a lot of help from a skilled clinician. Far too often, we can’t see our own issues well enough to address them. Oftentimes, you need an outside, educated perspective of a couples counselor to actually see what is at play and recognize the root of the issues. Not having that outside, educated perspective might mean that some of the issues are poorly addressed, don’t get addressed at all, or, in some circumstances, are made worse.
The last thing to remember is that an ended relationship isn’t a failed relationship. Your relationship can run its course and end without being labeled as a “failure.” Sometimes, an ending is the healthiest option for everyone involved.
Is it ever okay to give an ultimatum in a relationship?
Lots of people confuse “give an ultimatum” with “threaten.” Threats aren’t helpful. Most of the time they don’t work to get the person to do what you want. And even if they do, they undermine trust, damage the relationship, and ultimately can breed resentment. Ultimatums, if what makes them distinct from a threat comes through, have more potential to be helpful. Two good things to help you know if you are giving an ultimatum or a threat are the sincerity of the words and the tone you use.
First is sincerity. If you say “if you don’t go to couples counseling, then we’re done,” but you don’t actually mean it, that’s a threat, not an ultimatum. Threats are about control. You’re essenetially lying about what will happen to try to control your partner. If they go along with it and learn you weren’t honest, it may do a lot of damage. If they don’t go along with it and you don’t leave, they now know you were lying and they can’t trust you. Both ways, they end up feeling manipulated.
Let’s say that you truly are done with the relationship and are prepared to be out by the end of the week if they don’t go to counseling. If you approach your partner and scream at them “either you go to couples counseling or I’m leaving,” they’ll probably still take it as a threat even if you mean it. Instead, find a quiet time to have a heartfelt and calm conversation about how you are feeling, the desperation and hopelessness that is setting in, and how you have come to a decision that if the two of you don’t get into couples counseling and get to work that you have to leave for your own wellbeing.
A real ultimatum in a relationship is about honest communication and empowering the partner to be able to make a very clearly informed choice, not about exercising power and making them do what you want. You cannot control your partner; you cannot force them to do anything, and if you want a healthy relationship (and since you’re here, you likely do), a threat is never the way to make healthy progress. If you are at the end of your rope, then tell your partner that you have to be done if they won’t go. That is okay.
What can I do if I’ve already gotten angry with my partner for saying no? How do I repair while holding my stance?
Your behavior and feelings are separate. If you have already gotten angry with your partner, take a step back to separate out your feelings, needs, and hopes from your behavior. You can apologize for behaving poorly while not apologizing for your needs. Acknowledge to your partner that the way you went about getting your needs met was hurtful and apologize for it. Then, you can find a new way to approach your partner and come up with some ideas to honor everyone’s needs and feelings.
Be creative and get help in other ways
We’ve already discussed that being creative about the help you find can be really beneficial when your partner doesn’t want to go to counseling, but we don’t want to leave you high and dry when it comes to actually finding those resources.
Books
These days, it’s pretty simple to do a quick Google search to find reputable books about relationships and marriage. So, please be sure to do your own research to find something that resonates with you and both challenges and aligns with your current worldview. A few we recommend are:
What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal by John Gottman and Nan Silver
Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Dr. Sue Johnson
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman and Nan Silver
You Are The One You’ve Been Waiting For: Bringing Courageous Love to Intimate Relationships by Richard C. Schwartz
TED Talks
The Surprising Key to Building a Healthy Relationship That Lasts by Maya Diamond
The Science of Love by John Gottman
10 Ways to Have a Better Conversation by Celeste Headlee
Skills for Healthy Romantic Relationships by Joanne Davila
Relationships are Hard, But Why? by Stan Tatkin
Final thoughts
Don’t give up hope, be creative, find other ways to do it, and get back to what you can control and work on yourself. It takes more than one person to make a relationship work and be healthy, but the fact is that you can only do so much. You can work on yourself; you can share what you’re learning from your own counselor with your partner; you can recommend books, podcasts, retreats, and other resources to your partner; you can help your partner realize and work through the issues on your own.
If you are ready for individual counseling or want to learn more about couples counseling in general, you can look at what we offer at Pivotal Counseling. Have hope and remember what you’re working toward. You are worthy of a healthy, beautiful relationship, especially with yourself. If your partner isn’t ready to do the work but you are, then do the work for you.
If you’re in Northern Colorado and are ready to get started on the work, call Pivotal Counseling at (970) 281-4677 or fill out our online contact form, and we’ll reach out to you.
What should I do when my partner has shut down emotionally
Everyone has bad days, and sometimes those bad days turn into bad weeks. In every relationship, there are ups and downs, a period when one partner is giving far more than the other. In a healthy relationship, this is normal. However normal this is, though, it can be really difficult when one partner starts to shut down emotionally. Many people find this scary and uncomfortable, and many people start to worry that their partner is shutting down emotionally because they don’t want to be in the relationship anymore. Oftentimes, this is not the case. So, let’s talk about what you should do when your partner starts to shut down emotionally.
How do I know my partner is shutting down emotionally?
If you have been with your partner for a prolonged period, you likely will be able to tell that your partner is shutting down emotionally. The early signs may look something like:
Becoming distant
Spending more time alone
Staring off in the distance
Closing off a conversation
Actively avoiding certain topics
Seeming numb
Of course, this list is not exhaustive, and everyone responds to stress differently, meaning your partner’s response may look quite different. You know your partner within the context of your relationship best, so trust your instincts and keep an open line of communication with your partner.
If you notice your partner showing more severe signs of disconnection such as disassociation, loss of enjoyment, sense of meaninglessness, emotional eating, self-harm, or the use of substances, it may be a good time to reach out to your partner and express your concern in a non-confrontational way.
Why do some people shut their partner out emotionally?
A lot of the time, people don’t shut their partners out because they don’t want to continue the relationship. Being in a relationship is a vulnerable place to be, and some people may shut out the people who know them best in order to avoid judgment or disappointment. It could also be that your partner simply doesn’t have the emotional bandwidth to deal with whatever the stressor is. Another reason people tend to shut their partners out is because they don’t have the capacity to deal with the stressor itself and their partner’s reaction to it.
If your partner is shutting down emotionally, remind yourself that it’s likely not about you. Your partner just may not have the capacity to deal with the entirety of the situation at the moment and shutting down is how they can best navigate what’s happening right now.
What does it mean when someone shuts down emotionally and does it mean the relationship is over?
When your partner is shutting down emotionally, it means they are hurting. Generally, if your partner is shutting you out emotionally, it doesn’t mean that they don’t want to be with you anymore. We dissociate in this way when we are dealing with pain (emotional, mental, or physical) that is overwhelming to us, our brain shuts down our emotions to help protect us. It’s a form of the “freeze” in fight, flight, or freeze.
Shutting down emotionally is a form of dissociation, of turning off a connection with ourselves and what is going on. Essentially, your partner may be shutting down because their body is telling them that shutting down is the best way to stay safe. Give your partner grace as they navigate this stress response.
What do you do when someone is worried that their partner is shutting down emotionally?
If you’re worried that your partner has shut down emotionally, there are myriad responses that can arise. Some people may begin to panic, some may shut down in response, and some may cling on tighter in an effort to keep their partner. Of course, this is not an exhaustive list of responses. All of these responses are born out of past experiences and are reactionary. If you feel that your partner is shutting down emotionally, take some time to ground yourself in the logic: this is likely about them, not you or the relationship. So, what do you do when you feel your partner is starting to shut down emotionally?
Remember that we all struggle at times
Give them space before you panic
Self-care
Support them in the ways you can
Let them know you’re concerned about them but you’re there for them if they need to talk
Encourage them to find someone they can talk to even if it isn’t you (sibling, friend, parent, pastor, therapist, etc.)
Accept it if they say they don’t want to talk to anyone but also ask them to consider how they would know if it *was* time to talk to someone even if they don’t want to.
Remember that there is a difference between “I don’t like that you’re struggling and want to help” and “I am worried about your well-being because of how severe or prolonged this is.” Speak up about both of these, but don’t confuse them.
How can I support my partner while they’re shutting down?
The first way that you can support your partner when you start to notice that they’re shutting down is to gently tell them you notice. They may want to talk about it, and they may not. Either way, let your partner choose where they want to go in the moment but remain supportive and gentle. Giving your partner a little space to navigate the stressor can be really helpful; a lot of people end up naturally figuring things out if they are given the time and space to do so.
The most important way you can support your partner who is going through a difficult time is to make sure you don’t ignore them or shut down in kind. Ask your partner if they know what would feel helpful or supportive for them. Even a simple reminder that you love them and are available to talk if they want to is helpful. Other times, practical support like making them a meal or taking something off their to-do list can make a big impact. Meet your partner where they are and in a way that works for them.
Another really important way to support your partner is to be persistent with your partner. Don’t ask if they’re okay once and assume they’ll come to you. Check in with them regularly and ask if the kind of support they needed is still what they need. This can be a difficult line to navigate, as you don’t want to pester and pressure your partner but instead to gently and consistently remind them that you’re there. It may be helpful to ask your partner how often you can check in with them or what ways of checking in would feel most supportive.
How do I still get my needs met when I feel like my partner is emotionally unavailable?
If you’re in a relationship with someone who is dealing with a chronic mental health condition like anxiety or depression and tends to shut down emotionally, it can start to feel frustrating and like your needs aren’t being met. Don’t count your partner out if this is the case. In fact, asking your partner to meet one of your needs may actually be a welcome distraction for them.
It can be helpful to give your partner an out. Let’s say that you want to watch a movie with your partner. Let them know that you want to do this but assure them that it’s okay if they have to get up to do something else or check out on their phone during the movie. This releases them from the pressure of being fully present and can help them feel more emotionally available if they know they can opt-out at any time. This way, your partner can at least try instead of saying no right away.
Another great way to get your needs met is to lean on family and friends. Your partner shouldn’t be your only source of support, and in these times, having other people to help hold you up can give you the boost you need to keep supporting your partner.
Lastly, don’t count yourself out. You can meet your needs. You can take yourself out for a nice meal or draw yourself a hot bath. You can read a fun book or listen to an exciting podcast. There are a lot of ways that you can meet your own needs while your partner is having a difficult time.
Final thoughts
Trust your partner and your relationship. Don’t be afraid to seek out support for yourself. Whether you’re looking for individual counseling or relationship counseling, finding a supportive counselor can help you get the support you need while respecting the boundaries of your relationship. At Pivotal Counseling, we help individuals and partners navigate all sorts of issues that can get in the way of feeling connected in relationships. If you’re ready to schedule your counseling session and start feeling connected and cared for again, call (970) 281-4677 or schedule a consultation online.
How do I know my relationship can be saved?
The uncertainty of whether you can save your struggling relationship can feel crippling. We’ve put this post together to help you better evaluate your situation and get started with your healing journey.
If you have intentionally found your way to this post and are wondering whether it is possible to save your relationship, then things are probably looking up for you. Assuming you made your way here because you have a desire to save your relationship, at least. But, we need to start with some very important disclaimers for this sticky topic:
It is not ethical for a therapist to tell you whether your relationship can be saved. Furthermore, I am not your therapist and am speaking in generalizations and observations made over my years of training, research, and practice. The content provided here is intended for informational purposes only and should be treated as such. Your situation is unique to you, and only you get to decide whether your relationship can be saved.
There are a lot of posts on the internet that will give you signs that your relationship cannot be saved. Some of them will list all of the terrible reasons that your relationship is beyond repair, some of them might be eye-opening, offensive, or even cause you undue anxiety. This is not one of those posts. Aside from the fact that it’s unethical to tell someone I do not know (or do know, for that matter) that their relationship is over, it just isn’t always healthy. If you are already feeling anxious and bummed because you’re worried your relationship is over, the last thing you need is a list of things that will make you feel worse. If you do love your partner and want to stay in the relationship, you don’t need more ammunition for bitterness and resentment; you need hope, guidance, and encouragement. So, let’s dig in and help you better evaluate whether your relationship can make it.
What are some signs that my relationship can be saved?
This is a great question, and I offer four positive signs that you can reclaim the love, affection, and connection in your relationship:
You want to save it
You’re willing to do the work
You still see the good in your partner(s)
Your partner wants to save it and is willing to do the work
Let’s get right into what this all means.
You want to save it
If you actually want to save your relationship, you’re on the right track. That’s the biggest positive indicator that providers see when working with relationships. If you don’t want to save your relationship, the odds are pretty high that you won’t get very far. And that’s okay. But if you do want to save it, take this as a positive sign.
You are willing to do the work
Saving a relationship is no small feat. It takes hard, vulnerable work, particularly work on yourself. If you are willing to do the hard work and face the difficult things, then you can likely save your relationship—and you’ll be a better individual for it.
Note, though, that your partner also has to be willing to do their own work. Even if it was possible to do their work for them, their not doing their own work won’t turn out well for them, for the relationship, or for you.
You still see the good in your partner(s)
If you can see the good in your partner(s) still, then that’s a really good sign. Seeing good in them means you can see what you’re fighting to hang on to, why they are worth the work to have a relationship with.
When you can’t see any good in them, you’re likely wading into contempt. Contempt, as outlined by John Gottman’s Four Horsemen, is when you see your partner(s) as beneath you or you feel disgust towards them. And it is a pretty big sign that you have some serious hurdles to overcome. Does this mean your relationship is beyond the point of saving? Absolutely not. It means there is some extra work to do but it isn’t a final death sentence. However, if you can still see the good and light in your partner, then that’s a great sign.
Your partner wants to save the relationship
It is an “all hands on deck” effort to make a relationship work; it only takes one person to end a relationship. If your partner is as willing as you are to do the hard work to save your relationship, then you will likely be able to accomplish this.
What if my partner(s) disagrees about the state of the relationship?
If one person says that the relationship is in trouble, it’s in trouble. That doesn’t mean the person on the listening end is going to agree or respond well. Be mindful that hearing this could be really scary and possibly even triggering, especially if your partner is dealing with any kind of abandonment trauma. Your feelings are valid and your reality of the situation is your reality, their reality is theirs.
Give your partner time to process and sit with what you told them. Judgment and defensiveness won’t get you very far, so if you need to give your partner space to process, then do it; allowing this space and opening up this dialogue is the first step toward saving your relationship. It can be helpful to ask your partner how they would want you to respond if they had come to you with concerns. Let them know you want to feel as confident about the relationship as they do and ask if they can help you get there by addressing some of what you are concerned about.
If, however, your partner vehemently disagrees with you, then you may need to revisit the section above about each of you being willing to do your own work. Your partner’s reality is not yours, and they don’t get to “overrule” how you feel about the relationship. Basically, it isn’t fine just because they insist it is.
What if I don’t want to save my relationship?
Sometimes, people need permission to let go of a relationship. Breaking up, even divorcing, doesn’t have to be a failure. A successful relationship can run its course, and because you had a happy and healthy relationship once doesn’t always mean that you will grow together. If you find yourself doubting whether you even want to save your relationship, know that it’s okay to feel that way and that you are allowed to let go.
What is a therapist’s role in healing relationships?
You have likely heard the phrase “it is difficult to see the forest through the trees.” When you’re standing in the middle of something, you only see what is right in front of you. You don’t have the appropriate vantage point to take in all of the intricacies that create the environment surrounding your immediate location. The same is true for relationships. While a therapist cannot ethically tell you whether or not your relationship can be saved, a therapist can see hurdles and issues that you may not clearly see because they are an outside observer.
My final thoughts
A single person cannot carry a relationship alone. It is an impossibility, and even if it were possible, it would be too much work and the division of labor is entirely unsustainable. Whether or not your relationship can be saved is up to you and your partner(s); no one else gets to decide this. And, whether or not you can do the work and navigate through the issues, not wanting to save the relationship is an okay choice, too. Ended relationships do not have to be failed relationships. If you are ready to start working on yourself and your relationship, call a qualified counselor in your area. At Pivotal Counseling, we help all sorts of relationships navigate hurdles that can feel insurmountable. Getting started is the hardest part. To learn more about how we can help your relationship, see our relationship counseling page. If you’re ready to get started, give us a call at (970) 281-4677 or fill out our online contact form.
You deserve a happy, healthy relationship. You are worthy of love.
How to reclaim your independence in a long-term relationship
When you’ve been in a relationship for years and years, it can be easy to lose yourself a bit. In fact, for many of us, losing yourself is the norm, the expectation, the go-to pop culture example of relationship ideals. For example, think about Lily and Marshall from How I Met Your Mother and every time we combine people’s names like Brangelina; it’s almost as if a “good” couple is a couple of people who become a single person with a single identity. Popular as this may have been (or still is), it’s actually quite unhealthy. The couples who have healthy long-lasting relationships are the ones who are able to maintain a healthy balance of “me” and “we.”
For the purposes of this discussion, we’re talking about people who are in an otherwise healthy relationship. For people in abusive and manipulative relationships, some of this may not apply, and deeper healing and help will be required to get out of the relationship and back to yourself. Your safety should be your primary concern.
If you are in an abusive relationship, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-7233 or text “START” to 88788 for confidential support. If you can and are comfortable with it and feel safe doing so, please seek a qualified professional in your area for ongoing therapeutic support.
Why do people tend to lose themselves in relationships?
There are a lot reasons we tend to lose ourselves in a relationship. Oftentimes, we’ve seen that people lose their individuality with the best of intentions: people want to please their partner(s). It can feel pretty innocuous. We want to feel safe and secure in our relationship, and we tend to think that surrendering to our partner(s) will help us feel this way. A lot of people end up losing themselves in an effort to become the person we think our partner wants us to be.
Another reason people tend to lose themselves in a relationship is because time is at a premium. We only have so much time in a day, and balancing everything we have to do can mean that we have to let some things go by the wayside. When you’re in a relationship, the thing we tend to let go is our individuality because we want to spend time doing things with our partner(s). It isn’t always, or is hardly ever, sinister.
What happens to the relationship when people lose their individuality within a relationship?
When people lose their individuality in their relationship, the relationship can start to feel stale. Even worse, it can lead to feelings of resentment, and some people even start to feel like their partner is to blame for their loss of self. For a while, it might seem like things are going great. We feel good about being close and connected but then we may start to get frustrated and feel a little smothered or dissatisfied. It’s easy to blame the relationship when in reality it’s because we let go of something that was a part of us.
Essentially, not only can we lose ourselves, but we can also lose sight of how it happened. No matter how well-intentioned it began, it’s not healthy for the relationship or the individuals within it.
Why are boundaries important in finding your individuality again?
Boundaries got an unfortunate reputation somewhere along the way. A lot of people, particularly people who are people pleasers, think that the best way to be accepted and “keep the peace” is to forgo their own boundaries and wishes to make the other person or people around them comfortable. A lot of people associate boundaries as something we put in place with someone who is unhealthy. However, when you’re in a healthy relationship, boundaries serve as guidelines to lift up and support each person’s wellbeing.
In a healthy relationship, boundaries create clear distinctions between what is you, me, and us. Let’s pretend that your relationship is a sheet of paper and you and your partner both share a box of crayons. Boundaries would be the outline of a beautiful picture you get to color together. However, without boundaries, you don’t know where to color and may end up with a mess of clashing colors and no distinct picture. In essence, boundaries help us define how your relationship functions and maintains a healthy balance of being individuals and being “us”.
Oftentimes people think that if they truly love someone, they need to do whatever the other person wants. This ultimately ends with people getting lost in each other and a big blurry mess of colors. Not having boundaries in a relationship can cause something with the potential to be beautiful to turn into something wholly unrecognizable.
How to start reclaiming your individuality within a relationship
If you’re worried you’ve already lost yourself, don’t worry too much. You can find yourself again and stay happy in your relationship (if that’s what you want)! The first step I recommend to people who want to begin this process is to start considering what you miss about yourself or the person you want to become again. Get curious about which aspects of you are missing currently and which aspects you want to reclaim.
Let’s say that before you began your current relationship, you spent every opportunity you had backpacking alone to reconnect with yourself and nature. Perhaps doing this every weekend is simply out of the question right now because you don’t have time or space for it, but is there some way that you can start to bring some of that back in? Could you perhaps go backpacking once a month? Once every few months? Maybe you only have time for day hikes. However you can start to reclaim those little aspects of who you are is a huge win, even if they feel like huge concessions in the moment. Reclaiming yourself doesn’t have to be all or nothing, and it doesn’t mean you don’t love your partner(s).
How can people support their partner(s) through this transition?
Reestablishing boundaries in a long-term relationship can feel scary for a number of reasons that we don’t have space to get into here. Any one of them can result in it feeling really intimidating and almost threatening feeling to you or your partner(s). Have a conversation with your partner(s) about what it is about the relationship that you want to protect and hold on to. You can also reassure your partner(s) that this will be a slow process and that they get to have input in terms of what this looks like for the relationship.
It can also be helpful to remind your partner why you want to do this and reassure them that you want to strengthen your relationship by strengthening your relationship with yourself. Hold space for your partner’s experience and encourage them to come along with you on the quest to become individuals again.
How can a counselor support couples and individuals through this transition?
When you feel insecure in your relationship or find that you’re feeling smothered by it, it’s helpful to seek out guidance from a counselor. Typically, when we’re dealing with extreme ends of the spectrum, it indicates that there are underlying beliefs at play that can be complicated to see and work through when you’re in the middle of it. These beliefs can be fears, anxieties, beliefs about how relationships work, beliefs about your own worth, etc. Having someone who is trained to help recognize how those patterns are playing out and impacting you and your experience gives you a better opportunity for those patterns to be spotted and addressed. It’s like that phrase “you can’t see the forest through the trees,” or why a lifeguard doesn’t get in the pool with everyone; if you’re too close, you can’t see the bigger picture.
A counselor will be able to help you get to the root of how you got lost in each other and how to reclaim your individuality in a way that serves each partner and the relationship.
The bottom line
You are your own unique person who brings something special to each of your relationships. Losing yourself in your relationship doesn’t help anyone, and you deserve to love yourself for who you are. Relationships are stronger and more beautiful when they’re made up of individuals. If you’re ready to embark on this journey and want a little extra guidance, you can reach out to us here at Pivotal Counseling or read more about how we support relationships of all kinds on our Couples Counseling page. This is your relationship, and you deserve to show up in it authentically.