Life will provide you with lots of opportunities to get things wrong. Being in a relationship with all of its unique emotions and expectations certainly ups the ante exponentially. It’s inevitable that you will make mistakes or behave in a way that another person finds inappropriate.
Making a mistake doesn’t make you a bad person. However, if you want a healthy, enduring relationship, it does mean that you’ll need to learn and implement good solid ways of repairing your relationship. How to apologize is a core part of making things better in any type of relationship. And simply saying “sorry” doesn’t cut it.
What Is An Apology
Done sincerely, an apology is an expression of regret and a request for forgiveness in response to a specific wrong that you committed. The goal of the apology is to repair the harm that was done to the relationship and restore your partner’s confidence and trust in you.
How to Apologize
A good apology contains a few key components. When any of these are missing or violated, the apology will almost inevitably end up falling flat or even doing more damage.
The Preface - Ask Permission
An often neglected step in this process involves consent. Your partner may not be ready to hear an apology. Don’t take it for granted that they want to hear an apology at any given moment. They may still need time to be ready to receive your apology. Let them know you wish to apologize and then follow their lead.
Step 1 - Take Responsibility
Apologies are for when we do something wrong. So for a good apology to happen, you need to be able to own what you specifically did. You also need to be able to own that, upon reflection, you can see where what you did was wrong even if it made sense to do at the time. This can be uncomfortable but it is crucial.
The step of taking responsibility is what helps your partner to be reassured that you see where we messed up rather than simply seeing that they don’t like something that you did at that moment.
Step 2 - Acknowledge the Damage
Your partner needs to know that you also see how what you did wrong impacted them. You need to acknowledge where they felt embarrassed, unimportant, rejected, insufficient, or whatever other negative emotion they may have felt in response to your action.
Step 3 - Express Regret
This is more than just saying “I regret doing that.” Let them know what feelings come up for you when you look at what you did and how you hurt them. You might feel awful, terrible, sick, or horrible about what you did. You might feel guilt or embarrassment over your actions. Be sure to tell them that you are sorry for what you did and how you left them feeling.
Step 4 - Reassure Your Partner
This step often gets missed. The most helpful apologies include what you are going to do differently the next time a similar situation comes up. An apology is pretty meaningless if it seems to your partner that you will likely just end up doing the harmful behavior again. To be clear about what factors lead to your bad decision (don’t make excuses, just acknowledge them) and explain how you will handle those factors differently the next time they come up.
Step 5 - Ask for Forgiveness
This step requires some pretty big vulnerability. At the same time, it is what pulls all of this together and truly helps to mend the relationship. Starting with a simple, “will you forgive me” often works. Sometimes, your partner may not be ready to forgive. Don’t take it personally. Let them know that you understand they aren’t ready, tell them that you hope that they will be able to, and ask them if there is anything else they need from you so that they would feel better about forgiving you.
How NOT to Apologize
Now that we have a good picture of how a good apology goes, let’s take a look at some of the common attempts to apologize that simply aren’t an apology
The Vague Apology
This sounds the same just about every time: “I’m sorry” and pretty much nothing else. It may be completely sincere but it leaves your partner uncertain of whether you even have any idea of what you did, how it hurt them, and what needs to be different.
The “Celebrity” Apology
You know how this goes. “I’m sorry if my action offended anyone.” This is not an apology. You aren’t saying you regret your action. You’re simply saying that you don’t like the consequence of what you did.
The Blaming Apology
“I’m sorry that you feel that way” is also not an apology. The problem being identified is the other person’s feelings. It’s a negative assessment of the other person’s boundaries and emotions. There’s no ownership of the speaker’s actions and no acknowledgment of the action’s impact, it isn’t an apology.
The Appeasing Apology
“All right, all right, I’m sorry. Are you happy now?” This isn’t about apologizing, this is about dismissing the actual issue and attempting to just move on. If you don’t think you need to apologize, state that opinion and begin a separate discussion.
The Self-Serving Apology
These apologies are given with the intention (whether the person apologizing realizes it or not) of turning the table and making the apologizer the focus. “I’m sorry you married such a jerk” or “I’m sorry I’m such a horrible person” aren’t apologies at all. They are fishing expeditions with the goal of getting the person who was hurt to let go of what they were hurt with and reassure or comfort the “apologizer” at that moment.
Pulling It All Together
Let’s say that you and your partner were out with some friends and you said something embarrassing about your partner in front of them. Your apology might sound something like this.
(Preface) Hey, I really feel bad about what happened and I want to apologize for it. Are you willing to hear me out?
(Step 1) When I told that story about you, I was wrong. I shouldn’t have shared that. I broke your trust by sharing something that you wouldn’t want someone else to know and I told that to people that we see frequently.
(Step 2) Hearing me tell that story left you feeling embarrassed in front of our friends. You were mortified and it ruined the evening for you. On top of that, you felt unsafe and betrayed by me in what I had done. I broke our trust and that really hurt you.
(Step 3) I feel absolutely terrible about what I did. I put making our friends laugh above our relationship and I can’t believe I did that. I feel horrible about my choice and about how I hurt you. I am so sincerely sorry for telling that story and embarrassing you.
(Step 4) I need to be putting you and our relationship first in every situation, especially when people we know and spend time with are around. They need to see that I have your back and am on your team above anything else. I need to ask myself how you will feel whenever I go to tell a story or talk about you. That’s how I’m going to do my best to make sure nothing like this ever happens again.
(Step 5) I know you’re really hurt right now so I appreciate you hearing me out. I realize it may take some time, but will you forgive me?
When the Apologies Feel Impossible
Finally, as mentioned above, a relationship can bring with it many emotions and plenty of baggage. In times of hurt, it can be difficult to communicate in a productive manner. This is when you could use meaningful support. A counselor can end up being the unbiased mediator, the skills coach, or the partner to partner translator that you both need to re-connect in a healthy way.
Helping couples with apologies and other communication dynamics is something that our counselors do on a daily basis. We can help you, too. Check out our page on Couples Counseling or scheduled a free consultation to learn more about how we can help.
Pivotal Counseling, LLC is the leading provider of relationship and sexuality counseling to people on the northern front range and throughout Colorado and Wyoming. We help people from their pre-teen years to their post-retirement years to have happier and healthier relationships with themselves, their sexuality, and their loved ones.