You came here for a reason, so let’s start with this: Your vibrator will not ruin your partnered sex. In fact, your vibrator use is only a problem if you have a problem with it. If you’re worried that you can’t orgasm without it, if you feel like it’s getting in the way of your desire for partnered sex, or you’re just uncomfortable with how often you use it, then certainly seek out support. However, if you’re enjoying yourself and are unbothered by the frequency, then you don’t have anything to worry about. But let’s get into this a little deeper and look at the research.
Many women use vibrators both during solo and partnered sex. While some women may worry that their vibrator may ruin partnered sex, a vibrator can actually enhance partnered sex. In fact, according to a 2017 study published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 36.6% of women surveyed said that clitoral stimulation was necessary in order to reach orgasm. Because of this, vibrators can actually increase the likelihood that you, or your partner with a vulva, will reach orgasm.
Does a vibrator cause desensitization or numbness?
No. There is no scientific backing to the claim that your vibrator will cause numbness or desensitization. According to a post from the Sexual Health Alliance,
“[In] the study [from 2009 published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine], there were a few who reported a numbing sensation but importantly elaborated to say that the feeling went away within a day. This temporary numbness after using a vibrator can be compared to the numbness your arm might experience after holding a massage gun.”
You don’t need to worry that your vibrator will cause a decrease in sensitivity, but it is important to note that your brain is a sexual organ, and your stress about your vibrator could be getting between you and your orgasms.
Though it is not possible to cause permanent desensitization, your vibrator or the pressure you are using with it may cause temporary pain and discomfort. If you think this is happening, don’t be so quick to write off all vibrators. You may need to try a few different ones before finding one that works for you.
Is there any reason to stop using a vibrator?
Unless your vibrator causes you pain or you don’t want to use it anymore, there is no reason to stop using it. Vibrators offer different levels of intensity and patterns of vibration, and if one doesn’t work for you because it’s too strong, then don’t use it. If you want to experiment with what happens to your sex and masturbation when you forgo your vibrator for a while, go ahead and experiment, but if you’re not interested in that option, then keep on using it.
Your vibrator can be a tool without being a replacement
A vibrator doesn’t need to be a replacement for partnered sex. If you or your partner are worried about this, have an open discussion about introducing the vibrator into partnered sex sessions. Some people may worry that a vibrator, or any sex toy, means that their ability to pleasure their partner is insufficient, but this isn’t necessarily true. Vibrators, or sex toys in general, are an enhancement to sexual activities, and they don’t need to be the only thing ever used. Instead, your vibrator can be a fun addition to the party.
What if I have lost clitoral or vaginal sensitivity?
If you have lost clitoral or vaginal sensitivity, you should seek medical attention from a board-certified OB-GYN to rule out any medical conditions. Sexual health is an important part of your overall health, and not just because reproductive organs provide your body with essential hormones that keep your whole body functioning optimally. Sexual health is important to you mental and emotional health.
Sex should not be painful. Full stop. If you are experiencing painful sex or feel numb during sex, you should seek support from a qualified OB-GYN.
What if I can’t orgasm without my vibrator?
If you’re struggling to reach orgasm without your vibrator, step back and take some breaths before you panic. There are a few things to remember:
Most women need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm
Rule out physiological issues before tossing out your vibrator
Your brain is a powerful sexual organ, and you can take advantage of that
According to the National Coalition for Sexual Health, your psychology can have as much, if not more, of an impact on your sexual function as your physiology. Use your brain to your advantage. If the fact that you are worried that your vibrator is ruining your partnered sex is getting in the way, take some extra time, either alone or with your partner, to make sure that you are aroused. Make media choices, read a spicy book, or engage in foreplay with your partner that will get you sufficiently aroused.
Learn more about how desire and arousal works so that you can figure out your own body, desire, and arousal patterns. Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski is a great resource for this. When you start to understand more about how your desire and arousal patterns work, more about your sexuality, and more about the context surrounding sex, you may find it easier to achieve orgasm within partnered sex.
There are some other psychological barriers, including sexuality and past trauma, that may be standing in your way, so if you think those are at play, make sure you seek out a qualified counselor or sex therapist near you.
Good vibes welcome
You don’t need to worry, unless it causes you pain, about the impact of your vibrator on your sex life. In fact, your vibrator may enhance your partnered sex. Talk with your partner(s) about integrating your vibrator into partnered sex. If you’re struggling to enjoy partnered sex, it might be helpful to seek the help of a qualified sex therapist to help you discover and work through the barriers standing in your way. At Pivotal Counseling, we have helped many couples and individuals explore their sexuality, navigate sexual trauma and shame, and overcome the emotional and psychological barriers standing between them and good sex. Sexual health is health, and it deserves the same care as other aspects of your overall wellness. Check out our pages on couples sex therapy or couples counseling to learn more about how we can help you. If you’re ready to schedule an appointment, you can book a consultation with one of our qualified sex therapists online.
Disclaimer: This post is intended for education purposes only, and it should be used as such. I am not a doctor nor am I your therapist. Always seek a qualified physician if you are experiencing pain during sex or have sexual health concerns. For mental and emotional support with sexual health, sexuality, and gender identity, please seek the help of a qualified therapist in your area.