Keep It Steamy, Keep It Sharp: Why The Golden Years Should Be The Sexy Years

We all know that a healthy relationship with your sexuality, whatever that may be, is part of being a happy, whole person. But it’s also pretty important for your physical health. For instance, sex can lower blood pressure, boost your immune system, decrease certain health risks like heart attack and prostate cancer, and improve your sleep (WebMD, 2024). Now, according to an article in the BBC’s Science Focus magazine, you can add a new health bonus to that list: improved cognitive function for older adults. 

Sex really can help you enjoy your life to the fullest for as long as possible. Of course, we are not advocating for people to have more sex that they don’t want, force themselves to have sex for the sake of future cognition, or to focus purely on quantity. In fact, a lot of the cognitive benefits to be gained from sex are because of the interpersonal relationship with a partner, not just anyone and not just any sex. Have good sex with someone you want to have sex with and who wants to have sex with you. Satisfaction and connection are some of the essential components at play here.  

Why does sex improve cognition? 

There are a lot of things happening when you’re having sex. Of course, your body is releasing a cocktail of feel-good hormones and blood flow is increasing, but what’s perhaps more important is that your brain is generating new neurons, which is a big deal. As the National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke states, “Neurons are nerve cells that send messages all over your body to allow you to do everything from breathing to talking, eating, walking, and thinking.” 

Sex with a partner is a team sport, and there’s also a lot that goes into that. The social interplay and teamwork involved with partnered sex helps people work on team problem-solving, anticipating needs, expressing their own needs, and feeling intense physical and emotional connection. Sexual health is a pivotal component of overall physical and emotional health. 

Is the answer more sex or better sex?

This depends on what age you’re asking about. However, better sex is never a bad thing. A paper published in 2023 found that between the ages of 62-74, the quality and satisfaction of your sex was more important for cognitive functioning, but during ages 75-90, it was the quantity of sex that made the most impact on cognitive function. 

According to an article from Penn State published in 2023, researchers “found that declines in sexual satisfaction and erectile function were correlated with future memory loss” and put people at higher risk for cardiovascular disease, Alzheimer’s disease, dementia, and other stress-related cognitive decline issues. That said, putting an emphasis on sexual satisfaction and nurturing a healthy and enjoyable sex life in middle age does in fact have an impact on your overall quality of life as an older adult. 

The answer is always better sex, but once you’ve hit older age, maybe put more of an emphasis on quantity over quality. Your brain will thank you. 

How do I start having more and better sex? 

As a sex therapist in Northern Colorado, I am frequently asked this question, but there isn’t a simple answer to this. There are plenty of resources that you can seek out to help you have better and more sex, but we need to start here: sex is not a panacea to cognitive disorders in old age, and if you’re not upset with your sex life and it isn’t a problem for you, then it’s not a problem. 

Now that we have this out of the way, there are things you can do to improve the quality (and frequency) of the sex you are having. Starting by talking to your partner about the sex you want to be having is a great place to start, but we’ll be getting into this in more depth in future posts, so for now, suffice it to say that there are a ton of resources out there that are designed and written by people who truly just want to help people have sex they love having.  

Books

There are a number of resources that you (and a partner(s)) can read to help improve your sex life, including Emily Nagoski’s new book Come Together: The Science (And Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connection. We have mentioned many other resources in other blogs that you can look to, but Nagoski’s new book is incredibly timely given the research about sex and cognitive function. To find sexual satisfaction in long-term and long-lasting relationships, read what she has to say. You won’t regret it. 

Podcasts & other online resources

There are a number of podcasts dedicated to helping people lead sexually fulfilling lives, including: 

• Speaking of Sex

• Pillow Talks 

• The Sex and Psychology Podcast

Each of the podcasts listed above also offers online courses and/or other resources that are rooted in science and therapeutic best practices. If you choose to look online for courses or ebooks about sex, make sure you do your research when it comes to the creators of the content. Not all content is created equally or comes from the same scientific and therapeutic background. Make sure you are vetting the creators of the content you choose to ensure you don’t end up with something that doesn’t align with your values. 

Individual, couples, or sex therapy

If you’re hoping to get right in and work on you and your relationship right away, the best thing you can do is seek out sex therapy near you. Whether you want individual or couples sex therapy, working on the things with a (confidential) third party can be a game changer. A therapist can often see issues that you or your partner(s) may not have noticed or registered. Working with a therapist can help you break down cultural, psychological, emotional, and religious barriers that are standing in between you and a satisfying sex life. 

If you are experiencing painful sex or sexual dysfunction, schedule an appointment with your healthcare provider to rule out any underlying medical causes and seek appropriate treatment. 

Sex is a matter of quality of life

Most people like pleasure, and sex offers so many physical and mental health benefits that it’s hard to deny how important sex can be to a person’s overall wellness. Wherever you stand with your sexuality, relationship to pleasure, or your sexual relationship(s), prioritizing pleasure and healthy sexual relationships can only serve to enhance your quality of life–for a really long time. The bottom line is that prioritizing your sexual health now can have profound impacts on your brain health when you reach older age. 

If you’re not sure where to start or are just ready to get some truly personalized help with your relationship to sex, sexuality, pleasure, or your partner(s), finding a sex therapist is the best way to set you (and your brain) up for future success. If you’re looking for a Greeley, CO sex therapist, Pivotal Counseling helps clients throughout northern Colorado make the most out of their relationships. You can call (970)-281-4677 or schedule an appointment online to get started.  

Can a vibrator ruin partnered sex?

You came here for a reason, so let’s start with this: Your vibrator will not ruin your partnered sex. In fact, your vibrator use is only a problem if you have a problem with it. If you’re worried that you can’t orgasm without it, if you feel like it’s getting in the way of your desire for partnered sex, or you’re just uncomfortable with how often you use it, then certainly seek out support. However, if you’re enjoying yourself and are unbothered by the frequency, then you don’t have anything to worry about. But let’s get into this a little deeper and look at the research. 

Many women use vibrators both during solo and partnered sex. While some women may worry that their vibrator may ruin partnered sex, a vibrator can actually enhance partnered sex. In fact, according to a 2017 study published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 36.6% of women surveyed said that clitoral stimulation was necessary in order to reach orgasm. Because of this, vibrators can actually increase the likelihood that you, or your partner with a vulva, will reach orgasm. 

Does a vibrator cause desensitization or numbness?

No. There is no scientific backing to the claim that your vibrator will cause numbness or desensitization. According to a post from the Sexual Health Alliance, 

“[In] the study [from 2009 published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine], there were a few who reported a numbing sensation but importantly elaborated to say that the feeling went away within a day. This temporary numbness after using a vibrator can be compared to the numbness your arm might experience after holding a massage gun.”

You don’t need to worry that your vibrator will cause a decrease in sensitivity, but it is important to note that your brain is a sexual organ, and your stress about your vibrator could be getting between you and your orgasms. 

Though it is not possible to cause permanent desensitization, your vibrator or the pressure you are using with it may cause temporary pain and discomfort. If you think this is happening, don’t be so quick to write off all vibrators. You may need to try a few different ones before finding one that works for you. 

Is there any reason to stop using a vibrator? 

Unless your vibrator causes you pain or you don’t want to use it anymore, there is no reason to stop using it. Vibrators offer different levels of intensity and patterns of vibration, and if one doesn’t work for you because it’s too strong, then don’t use it. If you want to experiment with what happens to your sex and masturbation when you forgo your vibrator for a while, go ahead and experiment, but if you’re not interested in that option, then keep on using it. 

Your vibrator can be a tool without being a replacement
A vibrator doesn’t need to be a replacement for partnered sex. If you or your partner are worried about this, have an open discussion about introducing the vibrator into partnered sex sessions. Some people may worry that a vibrator, or any sex toy, means that their ability to pleasure their partner is insufficient, but this isn’t necessarily true. Vibrators, or sex toys in general, are an enhancement to sexual activities, and they don’t need to be the only thing ever used. Instead, your vibrator can be a fun addition to the party. 

What if I have lost clitoral or vaginal sensitivity? 

If you have lost clitoral or vaginal sensitivity, you should seek medical attention from a board-certified OB-GYN to rule out any medical conditions. Sexual health is an important part of your overall health, and not just because reproductive organs provide your body with essential hormones that keep your whole body functioning optimally. Sexual health is important to you mental and emotional health.

Sex should not be painful. Full stop. If you are experiencing painful sex or feel numb during sex, you should seek support from a qualified OB-GYN. 

What if I can’t orgasm without my vibrator?

If you’re struggling to reach orgasm without your vibrator, step back and take some breaths before you panic. There are a few things to remember: 

• Most women need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm 

• Rule out physiological issues before tossing out your vibrator 

• Your brain is a powerful sexual organ, and you can take advantage of that

According to the National Coalition for Sexual Health, your psychology can have as much, if not more, of an impact on your sexual function as your physiology. Use your brain to your advantage. If the fact that you are worried that your vibrator is ruining your partnered sex is getting in the way, take some extra time, either alone or with your partner, to make sure that you are aroused. Make media choices, read a spicy book, or engage in foreplay with your partner that will get you sufficiently aroused. 

Learn more about how desire and arousal works so that you can figure out your own body, desire, and arousal patterns. Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski is a great resource for this. When you start to understand more about how your desire and arousal patterns work, more about your sexuality, and more about the context surrounding sex, you may find it easier to achieve orgasm within partnered sex. 

There are some other psychological barriers, including sexuality and past trauma, that may be standing in your way, so if you think those are at play, make sure you seek out a qualified counselor or sex therapist near you. 

Good vibes welcome

You don’t need to worry, unless it causes you pain, about the impact of your vibrator on your sex life. In fact, your vibrator may enhance your partnered sex. Talk with your partner(s) about integrating your vibrator into partnered sex. If you’re struggling to enjoy partnered sex, it might be helpful to seek the help of a qualified sex therapist to help you discover and work through the barriers standing in your way. At Pivotal Counseling, we have helped many couples and individuals explore their sexuality, navigate sexual trauma and shame, and overcome the emotional and psychological barriers standing between them and good sex. Sexual health is health, and it deserves the same care as other aspects of your overall wellness. Check out our pages on couples sex therapy or couples counseling to learn more about how we can help you. If you’re ready to schedule an appointment, you can book a consultation with one of our qualified sex therapists online. 

Disclaimer: This post is intended for education purposes only, and it should be used as such. I am not a doctor nor am I your therapist. Always seek a qualified physician if you are experiencing pain during sex or have sexual health concerns. For mental and emotional support with sexual health, sexuality, and gender identity, please seek the help of a qualified therapist in your area.

How to reply when your partner says “We don’t need counseling”

Telling your partner that you want to go to couples counseling requires being really vulnerable. When your partner says they don’t want to go or don’t think it’s necessary, it can be frustrating, disappointing, and discouraging. However, it doesn’t mean that your partner doesn’t want to work on the relationship, and it doesn’t mean that you’re in a hopeless situation. So, instead of sitting with anger and hopelessness, what can you do? If you don’t know how to reply when your partner says that you don’t need couples counseling, then you have come to the right place. 

What do I do when my partner doesn't think couples counseling is necessary? 

Not everyone wants to go to counseling, and their reasons are their own. As the partner who wants to go to couples counseling, it’s important to recognize that, generally speaking, your partner’s reaction to the proposal of counseling is about them, not you or your relationship. In fact, we just wrote a whole post about this. Read more about that here. For our purposes here, suffice it to say that you can leave some space for your partner to deal with whatever is coming up for them, and start with yourself. Look into individual counseling. If they refuse to go, you can’t force them, and it’s likely not about you. Focus on what you can control: you and your healing.  

Another option in this situation is to get creative and ask your partner if they are open to some other options. You could recommend reading or listening to a book together, finding a retreat or marriage seminar, or watching some videos on improving relationships (we have some suggestions below). Many well-educated people want the information they have to be in as many hands as possible, and fortunately for all of us, that means that there is no shortage of wonderful resources that can help your relationship regardless of whether your partner wants to actually go to counseling. 

Does individual counseling matter if you really need couples counseling?

Yes! Absolutely.  Let’s use a quick metaphor: You have two legs, and one of your legs is out of commission because of a knee injury. You can’t just sit around nursing one knee and ignoring the other leg as a whole. Surely, you can do that, but then you’ll end up with two legs that need to be rehabilitated, not one. So, while you’re waiting for the injured knee to heal, you need to still work out the healthy leg so you don’t double the work you have to do once the other knee is healed. Individual counseling functions much the same way in a relationship. You can work on yourself regardless of whether or not your partner wants to join you. This may help you avoid some problems, and it will certainly help you as an individual. However, it’s important to remember that you cannot carry the relationship alone. No matter how much work you do, you can’t compensate for your partner not doing any work at all. You can only do as much as you can do for yourself; this will be helpful, but it likely won’t be enough to fully repair your relationship. 

In short, yes. It does matter. You deserve to be healthy and whole.  

Can I fix the relationship without couples counseling if I think we really need it?

In truth, it depends. On the one hand, people have been solving relationship problems without professional help for centuries, since the beginning of relationships, really. So, yes, some relationships can get better without couples counseling. The caveat, here, though, is that you can’t fix a relationship by hoping that it will get better and not doing anything else. Without professional help, you will need to really lean into the hard work and heavy lifting that goes into repairing a relationship.  

On the other hand, there are a lot of relationships who barely make it with a lot of help from a skilled clinician. Far too often, we can’t see our own issues well enough to address them. Oftentimes, you need an outside, educated perspective of a couples counselor to actually see what is at play and recognize the root of the issues.  Not having that outside, educated perspective might mean that some of the issues are poorly addressed, don’t get addressed at all, or, in some circumstances, are made worse. 

The last thing to remember is that an ended relationship isn’t a failed relationship. Your relationship can run its course and end without being labeled as a “failure.” Sometimes, an ending is the healthiest option for everyone involved. 

Is it ever okay to give an ultimatum in a relationship?

Lots of people confuse “give an ultimatum” with “threaten.” Threats aren’t helpful. Most of the time they don’t work to get the person to do what you want. And even if they do, they undermine trust, damage the relationship, and ultimately can breed resentment. Ultimatums, if what makes them distinct from a threat comes through, have more potential to be helpful. Two good things to help you know if you are giving an ultimatum or a threat are the sincerity of the words and the tone you use. 

First is sincerity. If you say “if you don’t go to couples counseling, then we’re done,” but you don’t actually mean it, that’s a threat, not an ultimatum. Threats are about control. You’re essenetially lying about what will happen to try to control your partner. If they go along with it and learn you weren’t honest, it may do a lot of damage. If they don’t go along with it and you don’t leave, they now know you were lying and they can’t trust you. Both ways, they end up feeling manipulated.

Let’s say that you truly are done with the relationship and are prepared to be out by the end of the week if they don’t go to counseling. If you approach your partner and scream at them “either you go to couples counseling or I’m leaving,” they’ll probably still take it as a threat even if you mean it. Instead, find a quiet time to have a heartfelt and calm conversation about how you are feeling, the desperation and hopelessness that is setting in, and how you have come to a decision that if the two of you don’t get into couples counseling and get to work that you have to leave for your own wellbeing. 

A real ultimatum in a relationship is about honest communication and empowering the partner to be able to make a very clearly informed choice, not about exercising power and making them do what you want. You cannot control your partner; you cannot force them to do anything, and if you want a healthy relationship (and since you’re here, you likely do), a threat is never the way to make healthy progress. If you are at the end of your rope, then tell your partner that you have to be done if they won’t go. That is okay.

What can I do if I’ve already gotten angry with my partner for saying no? How do I repair while holding my stance?

Your behavior and feelings are separate. If you have already gotten angry with your partner, take a step back to separate out your feelings, needs, and hopes from your behavior. You can apologize for behaving poorly while not apologizing for your needs. Acknowledge to your partner that the way you went about getting your needs met was hurtful and apologize for it. Then, you can find a new way to approach your partner and come up with some ideas to honor everyone’s needs and feelings. 

Be creative and get help in other ways

We’ve already discussed that being creative about the help you find can be really beneficial when your partner doesn’t want to go to counseling, but we don’t want to leave you high and dry when it comes to actually finding those resources. 

Books 

These days, it’s pretty simple to do a quick Google search to find reputable books about relationships and marriage. So, please be sure to do your own research to find something that resonates with you and both challenges and aligns with your current worldview. A few we recommend are: 

• What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal by John Gottman and Nan Silver 

• Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Dr. Sue Johnson

• The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman and Nan Silver

• You Are The One You’ve Been Waiting For: Bringing Courageous Love to Intimate Relationships by Richard C. Schwartz

TED Talks

• The Surprising Key to Building a Healthy Relationship That Lasts by Maya Diamond

• The Science of Love by John Gottman

• 10 Ways to Have a Better Conversation by Celeste Headlee

• Skills for Healthy Romantic Relationships by Joanne Davila

• Relationships are Hard, But Why? by Stan Tatkin

Final thoughts

Don’t give up hope, be creative, find other ways to do it, and get back to what you can control and work on yourself. It takes more than one person to make a relationship work and be healthy, but the fact is that you can only do so much. You can work on yourself; you can share what you’re learning from your own counselor with your partner; you can recommend books, podcasts, retreats, and other resources to your partner; you can help your partner realize and work through the issues on your own. 

If you are ready for individual counseling or want to learn more about couples counseling in general, you can look at what we offer at Pivotal Counseling. Have hope and remember what you’re working toward. You are worthy of a healthy, beautiful relationship, especially with yourself. If your partner isn’t ready to do the work but you are, then do the work for you.  

If you’re in Northern Colorado and are ready to get started on the work, call Pivotal Counseling at (970) 281-4677 or fill out our online contact form, and we’ll reach out to you.

What should I do when my partner has shut down emotionally

Everyone has bad days, and sometimes those bad days turn into bad weeks. In every relationship, there are ups and downs, a period when one partner is giving far more than the other. In a healthy relationship, this is normal. However normal this is, though, it can be really difficult when one partner starts to shut down emotionally. Many people find this scary and uncomfortable, and many people start to worry that their partner is shutting down emotionally because they don’t want to be in the relationship anymore. Oftentimes, this is not the case. So, let’s talk about what you should do when your partner starts to shut down emotionally.

How do I know my partner is shutting down emotionally?

If you have been with your partner for a prolonged period, you likely will be able to tell that your partner is shutting down emotionally. The early signs may look something like:

• Becoming distant

• Spending more time alone

• Staring off in the distance

• Closing off a conversation

• Actively avoiding certain topics

• Seeming numb

Of course, this list is not exhaustive, and everyone responds to stress differently, meaning your partner’s response may look quite different. You know your partner within the context of your relationship best, so trust your instincts and keep an open line of communication with your partner.

If you notice your partner showing more severe signs of disconnection such as disassociation, loss of enjoyment, sense of meaninglessness, emotional eating, self-harm, or the use of substances, it may be a good time to reach out to your partner and express your concern in a non-confrontational way.

Why do some people shut their partner out emotionally?

A lot of the time, people don’t shut their partners out because they don’t want to continue the relationship. Being in a relationship is a vulnerable place to be, and some people may shut out the people who know them best in order to avoid judgment or disappointment. It could also be that your partner simply doesn’t have the emotional bandwidth to deal with whatever the stressor is. Another reason people tend to shut their partners out is because they don’t have the capacity to deal with the stressor itself and their partner’s reaction to it.

If your partner is shutting down emotionally, remind yourself that it’s likely not about you. Your partner just may not have the capacity to deal with the entirety of the situation at the moment and shutting down is how they can best navigate what’s happening right now.

What does it mean when someone shuts down emotionally and does it mean the relationship is over?

When your partner is shutting down emotionally, it means they are hurting. Generally, if your partner is shutting you out emotionally, it doesn’t mean that they don’t want to be with you anymore. We dissociate in this way when we are dealing with pain (emotional, mental, or physical) that is overwhelming to us, our brain shuts down our emotions to help protect us. It’s a form of the “freeze” in fight, flight, or freeze.

Shutting down emotionally is a form of dissociation, of turning off a connection with ourselves and what is going on. Essentially, your partner may be shutting down because their body is telling them that shutting down is the best way to stay safe. Give your partner grace as they navigate this stress response.

What do you do when someone is worried that their partner is shutting down emotionally?

If you’re worried that your partner has shut down emotionally, there are myriad responses that can arise. Some people may begin to panic, some may shut down in response, and some may cling on tighter in an effort to keep their partner. Of course, this is not an exhaustive list of responses. All of these responses are born out of past experiences and are reactionary. If you feel that your partner is shutting down emotionally, take some time to ground yourself in the logic: this is likely about them, not you or the relationship. So, what do you do when you feel your partner is starting to shut down emotionally?

• Remember that we all struggle at times

• Give them space before you panic

• Self-care

• Support them in the ways you can

• Let them know you’re concerned about them but you’re there for them if they need to talk

• Encourage them to find someone they can talk to even if it isn’t you (sibling, friend, parent, pastor, therapist, etc.)

• Accept it if they say they don’t want to talk to anyone but also ask them to consider how they would know if it *was* time to talk to someone even if they don’t want to.

• Remember that there is a difference between “I don’t like that you’re struggling and want to help” and “I am worried about your well-being because of how severe or prolonged this is.” Speak up about both of these, but don’t confuse them.

How can I support my partner while they’re shutting down?

The first way that you can support your partner when you start to notice that they’re shutting down is to gently tell them you notice. They may want to talk about it, and they may not. Either way, let your partner choose where they want to go in the moment but remain supportive and gentle. Giving your partner a little space to navigate the stressor can be really helpful; a lot of people end up naturally figuring things out if they are given the time and space to do so. 

The most important way you can support your partner who is going through a difficult time is to make sure you don’t ignore them or shut down in kind. Ask your partner if they know what would feel helpful or supportive for them. Even a simple reminder that you love them and are available to talk if they want to is helpful. Other times, practical support like making them a meal or taking something off their to-do list can make a big impact. Meet your partner where they are and in a way that works for them. 

Another really important way to support your partner is to be persistent with your partner. Don’t ask if they’re okay once and assume they’ll come to you. Check in with them regularly and ask if the kind of support they needed is still what they need. This can be a difficult line to navigate, as you don’t want to pester and pressure your partner but instead to gently and consistently remind them that you’re there. It may be helpful to ask your partner how often you can check in with them or what ways of checking in would feel most supportive.

How do I still get my needs met when I feel like my partner is emotionally unavailable?

If you’re in a relationship with someone who is dealing with a chronic mental health condition like anxiety or depression and tends to shut down emotionally, it can start to feel frustrating and like your needs aren’t being met. Don’t count your partner out if this is the case. In fact, asking your partner to meet one of your needs may actually be a welcome distraction for them.

It can be helpful to give your partner an out. Let’s say that you want to watch a movie with your partner. Let them know that you want to do this but assure them that it’s okay if they have to get up to do something else or check out on their phone during the movie. This releases them from the pressure of being fully present and can help them feel more emotionally available if they know they can opt-out at any time. This way, your partner can at least try instead of saying no right away.

Another great way to get your needs met is to lean on family and friends. Your partner shouldn’t be your only source of support, and in these times, having other people to help hold you up can give you the boost you need to keep supporting your partner.

Lastly, don’t count yourself out. You can meet your needs. You can take yourself out for a nice meal or draw yourself a hot bath. You can read a fun book or listen to an exciting podcast. There are a lot of ways that you can meet your own needs while your partner is having a difficult time.

Final thoughts

Trust your partner and your relationship. Don’t be afraid to seek out support for yourself. Whether you’re looking for individual counseling or relationship counseling, finding a supportive counselor can help you get the support you need while respecting the boundaries of your relationship. At Pivotal Counseling, we help individuals and partners navigate all sorts of issues that can get in the way of feeling connected in relationships. If you’re ready to schedule your counseling session and start feeling connected and cared for again, call (970) 281-4677 or schedule a consultation online.