When one person damages their relationship with their partner, forgiveness is crucial in repairing the connection. Forgiveness is not a complicated or involved concept. It is a rebalancing of the relationship's scales of justice. It puts partners back on equal footing with neither "owing" the other nor being in a one-down position.
It isn’t uncommon though for forgiveness to be made into something much more complicated, messy, or even impossible to do than it actually is. Sometimes these ideas are things we believe that get in our way of forgiving. At other times, they are things that other people tell us that forgiveness is or contains. And then, some things fool us into thinking we've forgiven when we haven't.
Myths and False Forgiveness
Forgiving means trusting your partner again and not hurting anymore.
Those are three completely different things. Forgiveness doesn't require either of the other two. For more on the differences, check out our previous article on the topic.
Forgiving means approving.
Excusing your partner's actions as being acceptable isn't forgiving. You never have to condone what your partner did to forgive them. And you or your partner attempting to pair forgiveness with approving of their actions is a sure way to make sure forgiveness doesn't happen.
Forgiving means forgetting.
Pretending as though the action never happened is also not forgiving someone. It's an unrealistic idea and also not a healthy one. Regardless of whether the pressured to forget comes from yourself or your partner, "forgive and forget" isn't how forgiveness works at all (and works against being able to forgive).
Forgiving means owing.
These are opposites. When you tell your partner, "I forgive you, but you owe me" or otherwise remind them that they are now in your debt (such as to get your way), you do not forgive them at all. You're just trying to be nice about not forgiving them.
Forgiving means (surface) kindness.
If you have forgiven, you let go of the feelings associated with them having wronged you. Being kind to them while still harboring resentment is not forgiveness. It's insincere and dishonest.
Forgiveness means good things for only the other person.
Another hurdle in the path towards forgiveness can be why you would want to forgive your partner. After all, forgiveness is seen as generally benefiting the offending person. If your partner does something hurtful and you forgive them, the other person is relieved of the burden of the uneven relationship. They can now re-engage in the relationship in full confidence and (ideally) without reservations. Your partner likely feels lighter, freer, happier, comforted, and reassured.
But what about you? There is evidence that when you forgive your partner, you experience decreased depression, reduced anxiety, release unhealthy anger, and even diminish trauma symptoms. It also removes barriers to connection and relational intimacy with your partner. There is a reason that people talk about feeling lighter, freer, and better in general when they forgive others.
You must forgive.
Do you have to forgive someone? No, of course not. You are in charge of your emotions and your thoughts. But the benefits appear to outweigh any positives of withholding forgiveness, particularly when we have separated trust and emotional healing from the equation.
If you found yourself recognizing something in these myths and fake versions of forgiveness, you're far from alone. There's a reason so many people struggle with forgiveness. These myths and ideas are found and reinforced in our society to the point that it's hard to spot them.
Helping individuals and couples recognize the bad ideas and problematic myths that get in the way of them having the relationship they want is a core component of what we do. We've been helping people let go of bad ideas and live better lives together for years, and we can help you too. Check out our page on Couples Counseling or schedule a free consultation to ask how we can help.
Pivotal Counseling, LLC is the leading provider of relationship and sexuality counseling to people on the northern front range and throughout Colorado and Wyoming. We help people from their pre-teen years to their post-retirement years to have happier and healthier relationships with themselves, their sexuality, and their loved ones.