Truth Beyond Couples Communication

Why "The Truth" Isn't All That Helpful

"That's not what happened!" 

"I never said that!" 

"That's not true! The truth is..." 

Every couple recognizes statements like this. They get thrown out all the time. Whether they're talking about a conversation from decades in the past or something that happened 10 minutes ago, it’s easy for couples to get stuck in correcting one another and arguing about what the actual truth of a situation is. 

This type of argument is pretty common. I'd be hard-pressed to think of a single couple that didn't run into this exact conflict in our sessions repeatedly. All couples run into it at times! 

IT’S NOT (JUST) ABOUT WINNING

What makes it so common? Some therapists will say that it is about winning. They aren't wrong. When someone is in that situation, they want to win the conversation and establish "the real truth." But the idea of winning misses the more crucial factors underneath: that we want to have our experience heard and for it to matter.

Some readers may already be engaging in the same fight right here. "It isn't just my experience; it's what actually happened! It's the truth!" And that makes sense. The problem is that when it comes to multiple people experiencing the same event (like a conversation), there isn't just one reality at play. As many people that were present, there are that many realities of what happened. 

IT’S ABOUT REALITY

Reality is comprised of what we perceive and experience. If we didn't experience it, then it isn't part of our reality. The "truth" of whether it happened or not isn't all that helpful or significant. 

Let's use an example. Imagine that you went to see a movie but found yourself not feeling well. You dozed a bit during the film for just 20-30 seconds at a time and didn't even realize that you did so. When you talk with a friend who has also seen the movie, you will remember the film differently than them. Now, let's say they also dozed off here or there. Both of you will remember dialogue or parts of the story differently than the other. 

It would be easy to get into an argument about what "really happened" in that movie. Both of you would go back and forth about who was right. One of you might even try to pull up on the internet quotes from the movie to prove you were right. But even if the "truth" turned out to be that they were right about that bit of dialogue, does that information change what you experienced? Does it change your reality? Of course not. 

When couples fight like this, they will remember the event or conversation, even one from just minutes ago, differently. They will each have their own reality, and that experience of the events is just as valid as their partner's. So what that person is fighting for is not just to win but to have their reality acknowledged and heard. 

So what keeps one person from accepting that their partner's reality is different? Another mistaken idea that often sounds like the following.

"If I acknowledge your reality, that means that my reality is wrong." 

As common as this thinking is, it couldn't be more wrong. This mistaken belief becomes much clearer when we substitute the word experience for reality.

"If I acknowledge your experience, that means that my experience is wrong." 

We each have our own experiences, our own reality. Both people's reality can be precisely accurate for them. Our realities matter to us because they are what we experienced. 

THE PROBLEM WITH TRUTH

So, where does truth come back into this issue? Truth often gets used as a weapon to try to discredit the other person's reality. If their reality isn't the objective "truth," then it doesn't matter. First, this is patently false. Just because one roller coaster is mechanically faster than the other doesn't mean that the second one doesn't seem faster. Further, when we are talking about our experience, our reality, the truth of which one is faster isn't all that helpful. 

Often, couples try to use their reality as the "truth" to discredit the other person's reality. If they can disprove it, then it can be dismissed, and the "actual truth" (which is just the other person's reality) can now be established. 

Winning ends up being more about whose reality, whose experience gets to matter in the conversation, which person gets to be heard and acknowledged, and whose emotions and feelings get to matter. 

As long as couples stay stuck in arguing about the truth and which reality is real, they both lose. 

REALLY WINNING

Instead, couples can change the conversation. They can show one another that what matters most isn't "truth" but one another. 

In the end, what couples want to know is that their reality (including all of their experiences, emotions, thoughts, etc.) matters just as much as their partner's reality matters. And when couples can do that, they change far more than just conversation. They change their relationship.

WE’VE HELPED COUNTLESS COUPLES LEARN HOW TO NAVIGATE AROUND COMMUNICATION TRAPS LIKE THIS ONE AND OTHERES. WE CAN HELP YOU, TOO. CHECK OUT OUR PAGE ON COUPLES COUNSELING OR REACH OUT AND GET IN TOUCH TO ASK HOW WE CAN HELP. 

Pivotal Cousneling, LLC is the leading provider of relationship and sexuality counseling to people on the northern front range and throughout Colorado and Wyoming. We help people from their pre-teen years to their post-retirement years to have happier and healthier relationships with themselves, their sexuality, and their loved ones.

The Problem with Shoulds (and a Better Option)

TALKING ABOUT YOU

So often, when couples communicate, they tend to talk about the other person. "You're awesome" or "you always know what I need." When we're telling someone something positive, that may not be a big deal. But when we're trying to address a problem, talking about the other person can turn a conversation sour in a hurry.

 One place this turn really bad is when we're talking to our partner about when we didn't get from them what we wanted. Rather than talk about what we wanted, we tell them about themself. This often comes out as a should statement.

Should statements are one of the most problematic statements that couples slip into during conversations. You've likely heard comments like this before.

"You should have known I was busy."

"You know you shouldn't talk to me like that."

"Do you really think that is how you should have handled that?"

If any of those sound familiar, you're not alone. Most people have heard comments like that in their relationships. 

Should statements are particularly damaging because they invoke a moral judgment. They go beyond just stating that you're unhappy or that the other person let you down. They convey a moral judgment of right or wrong. It isn't merely that I want something different. It is that you and your actions are simply unacceptable to me, beneath me.

THE UP REACTION TO SHOULD STATEMENTS

It's not uncommon when your partner hears a should statement from you to believe that you see them as less than or inferior. In that situation, they will often feel anger or resentment and are likely to respond with defensive statements such as:

"You should know that if you're busy and don't want to be interrupted that you should go to a different room." 

"I talk to you the same way you talk. If you don't like it, change it yourself."

"I handled it just fine. It seems like you're the one who has a problem here." 

The should statement was the first shot and invited a defensive reply. The defensive responses are the second shot. From there, an all-out battle ensues that almost inevitably leads to both you and your partner feeling hurt, unloved, and unhappy. 

THE DOWN REACTION TO SHOULD STATEMENTS

Sometimes should statements evoke a different type of reaction. Your partner either withdraws in apparent acknowledgment of the error or may make an abrupt shift and bend over backward to fix it. 

From the outside, this type of reaction may seem positive since they appear to recognize that they need to change their actions. The problem is that there is a lot of damage done on the inside in the form of shame.

When your partner feels shame, they likely see themselves as having failed or, worse yet, as actually being a failure. They may pull away from you and disconnect emotionally. Alternately, they may suddenly, desperately try to fix what went wrong to alleviate the shame and be good enough again. Either way, the shame at that moment is pushing the two of you apart.

A HEALTHIER APPROACH

Every time we make a should statement about someone else, there's an opportunity for a much more helpful statement about ourselves that we could make instead. That's because underneath every should statement is a need, want, or hope of ours. The should statement is an (ineffective) attempt to convey our desire and wish for that need to be met by that person. 

The first step is to identify that need. Once we can do that, we can then figure out what we would have liked the other person to do that would have met that need. By pairing the need with a specific, actionable request, we set the other person up for success. Let's look at our examples again.

"You should have known I was busy" could be "I need to be able to concentrate and focus in moments like that. In the future, could you please knock and ask if I'm able to take a break before coming into the office and starting a conversation."

"You shouldn't talk to me like that" instead would sound like "I need to hear kindness and respect in what you say even when you're not happy with me. Can you include more of that when we're talking about things like this?"

"Do you really think that is how you should have handled that," could instead be "I need us to be on the same page and decide together how to handle big things like that. Can you please talk with me first next time?" 

Shifting from your partner's action to your need plays a critical role in setting the whole conversation up for success. When we state a need and then ask a question, we're giving our partner a chance to save our day and be your hero. They have the information and know precisely what we are looking for from them. With this, they can meet our need, and we can feel good about them and the relationship. 

This approach is one of the acquired skills that help couples to have healthy communication and happier relationships. It can become second nature with practice and help draw a couple closer as a team where they each have one another's backs when there is a problem.

WE'VE HELPED COUNTLESS PARTNERS DEVELOP THIS AND OTHER CRUCIAL COMMUNICATION SKILLS. WE CAN HELP YOU, TOO. CHECK OUT OUR PAGE ON COUPLES COUNSELING OR REACH OUT AND GET IN TOUCH TO ASK HOW WE CAN HELP. 

How We Treat Couples dealing with Betrayals

COUNSELING THE BETRAYED PARTNER

Regardless of whether you discovered the affair or betrayal or if your partner disclosed it to you, learning of infidelity is devastating. Many people describe feeling as though their world is falling apart and that the floor beneath them is giving out. They feel crushed, heartbroken, lost, and "in a fog." Many also talk about feeling rejected, inadequate, and worthless. When a betrayed partner walks into our offices feeling this way, we meet them with compassion, understanding, and safety. We immediately attend to the effects of the betrayal and work on reducing any further trauma to the betrayed partner or the relationship. Our philosophy for working with betrayed partners is this:

You are not at fault. You are strong enough to heal from this. Whether you forgive your partner or not, whether you trust your partner again or not, and when those things happen is up to you.

Our job is to create a safe space in the office where the betrayed partner never feels blamed or dismissed. We build the relational skills and communication tools that are needed to talk about the wrong they've experienced, the broken trust, and the hurt they are feeling. We _never_ push clients to forgive or trust their partner. That has to happen in _their_ time, not based on the counselor's and certainly not on the betraying partner's timeframe.

Couples COUNSELING For THE BETRAYed

Betraying partners tend to show up in one of two ways.

1. They come in believing that they are a terrible, worthless person. They are embarrassed, mortified, or dumbfounded about their thoughts, choices, and actions. They don't blame the betrayed partner for being angry with them and shocked by the betrayal. After all, they feel the same way about themselves.

2. They come in desperately fighting against the idea that they are a terrible, uncaring, or worthless person. They get angry about the betrayed partner being upset. They blame the betrayed partner for "making" then do this. They minimize what happened and the impact of their choices. They do all this because they cannot believe that they are "that" kind of person.

Our philosophy with the betraying partner of every affair or infidelity relationship we work with is this:

You did a terrible thing. That doesn't mean you are a terrible person.

We understand that the betraying partner didn't make their choice to cheat in a vacuum. Like drinking salt water when stranded at sea, the circumstances and situation made the idea of cheating seem like a solution to or at least an escape from where they were struggling. In the end, though, having an affair or betraying a partner always causes more problems and rarely, if ever, fixes anything. We help the betraying partner to acknowledge and own actions they have taken. We identify how to rebuild trust; to find and express understanding, empathy, and validation of their partner's pain; and to invite forgiveness from their partner _without_ pressuring them.

Couples COUNSELING For THE RELATIONSHIP

Affairs throw relationships into chaos and pain. So many couples come in saying that they want to get back to how things were before this happened. We get that. You want to go back to when things were less painful and less chaotic. That's precisely why our first goal for every betrayed relationship is to address the immediate trauma.

Our second goal is much more significant. Going back to how things were in the past only sets the relationship up to be damaged again. After all, that relationship was at risk for betrayal. Instead, we need to build a better relationship than what it was before. We work to identify the underlying issues that put the relationship at risk for the choice to have an affair. Then, we begin to work through those factors, providing education where unhelpful ideas or expectations were held, skill building where unhealthy dynamics were at play, and fostering healing where past hurts have lingered on. In the end, the couples we work with heal and grow in such a way that their relationship is protected from a betrayal ever happening again.

WE’VE HELPED COUNTLESS PARTNERS THROUGH BETRAYALS. WE CAN HELP YOU, TOO. CHECK OUT OUR PAGE ON COUPLES COUNSELING OR REACH OUT AND GET IN TOUCH TO ASK HOW WE CAN HELP.

3 Ways to Support Your Neurodiverse Partner

Having a partner who is neurodiverse can be challenging at times, sometimes very much so. Here are three tips on how you can better support your partner.

TIP 1: JOIN THE CONVERSATION

The term “neurodiverse” is a relatively new addition to the cultural conversation. It was initially used to suggest that there may be many different, legitimate ways of thinking about and interacting with the world. Starting around 2016, it began to become one of the preferred terms for those with diagnosed or suspected Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), and other individuals who similarly experience the world differently from the norm.

Since then, the term has found wide use in culture and media. From TikTok videos describing “hacks” to help neurodiverse people keep track of the things they want to accomplish to books explaining new ways that some neurodiverse people can harness their keen sense of observation to thrive in corporate settings, the odds of coming across this term are high.

So why a new term?

First, psychology has tended to define things primarily by describing the negative impact they have. Even the term mental illness carries with it a sense that something is wrong and ought to be fixed. However, many mental ‘illnesses’ that people are diagnosed with may actually serve an adaptive, beneficial purpose. In fact, many people who carry some kind of mental health diagnosis report that they can identify personal strengths and aspects of their character that they value which are directly related to their diagnosis. Only having the ‘mental illness’ label didn’t fit for these people. So the idea of ‘difference’ instead of ‘deficiency’ seemed like a more accurate and useful description.

Second, many diagnoses that are used in the mental health field, although they may seem pretty cut and dry, often live on a spectrum. For instance, Autism Spectrum Disorder and many Depressive disorders are often explained as having various degrees, different kinds of presentations, and lots of variations. Two people with the same disorder, in fact, may not share many similarities at all. Because of this wide range, a term was needed to encompass all kinds of variation, degrees, spectrums, and presentations to somehow communicate that a person’s experience may not match the experience that is expected or considered ‘normal’.

Some people with a mental health diagnosis or who think or interact with the world in unique ways, resonate with the term and feel comfortable applying it to themselves and their experiences. Others do not. Some folks prefer a different term altogether such as neurodivergent or associate more with the diagnosis itself. One surefire way to support your neurodiverse partner is to start paying attention to the way that they think and feel about their diagnosis or to the way their brain works. It may be helpful to ask them directly about the ways that it shows up for them and maybe even to show you the next time that they notice it impacting them.

TIP 2: LEAD WITH EMPATHETIC CURIOSITY

Talking about the way your partner is different may feel an awful lot like criticism. It is vitally important to remember that differences, both large and small, are usually sources of stress and even conflict for many people. Chances are, your partner has been teased, bullied, shamed, or even punished for the way their brain works and how they interact with the world. This is why your partner may show signs of reluctance or hesitancy about sharing their experiences. Because of that, it can be helpful to let them direct the conversation and respect their ability to protect themselves. We have all had experiences where our felt sense of being different has wounded us; use your experiences to guide how you interact in these moments. Be gentle and listen.

When stepping into this territory the goal is to maintain a sense of empathetic curiosity. You want your general stance, as the partner of someone with some kind of neurodiversity, to be full of your genuine care for them as a full, complete person (the empathetic part). The moral of the story is that your partner is so interesting, so inherently worthy of love and belonging, that you want to enter more into their world (the curiosity part). The journey is one of discovery and deeper understanding so that you each are better able to understand the other’s world.

One of the strengths of a perspective that is grounded in neurodiversity is a conviction that there is not one right way. Instead, having people that see things differently is a strength. It is about showing interest and gratitude for the fact that while you are busy inspecting the color of something your partner is able to assess its texture, weight, or how well it will work in a certain situation. It is also likely that some of these differences are things you absolutely love about your partner. Tell them so.

The understanding should be mutual (because your little world is fascinating too!). Your interest should stem from a place of authentic curiosity and have connection as the goal.

TIP 3: DEVELOP CLEAR COMMUNICATION BY REDUCING NOISE

While reveling in the awesomeness of your partner is a good thing, there may be times where some rules of engagement can help make things flow more easily. Bring a sense of empathetic curiosity to these conversations as well.

During a time of low stress, it may be beneficial to discuss a game plan for how to ensure accurate communication takes place and everyone leaves the interaction feeling heard, cared for, and hopeful for some kind of resolution or improvement.

In the field of communication theory, the concept of noise is often discussed. This term refers to any interfering source of stimulus or input that disrupts the message that is being sent. Anything from actual noise (think lawn mower outside), psychological noise (anxiety, worry, depression, trauma), to semantic noise (using words that the other person doesn’t understand, tones of voice that are distracting or confusing), or executive functioning noise (thinking about what you are going to say next) can impact if and how well we are understood.

Perhaps someone finds direct, verbal communication to be overstimulating (too emotionally noisy) when emotionally charged topics are brought up. If this is the case, maybe shift the conversation to texting (even in the same room) to increase the likelihood that the context of the messages being sent are able to be heard. Maybe certain times of the day or certain places are more conducive to clear thinking or emotional expression. Talking right after lunch may help to reduce the biological noise associated with being hungry. Talking right after your partner comes home from work may mean that parts of your message don’t make it through due to the emotional noise they are carrying with them from the workplace.

Make a point to set yourself and your partner up for success when something important needs to be talked about.

This may also mean that you develop specific ways of talking about how your partner is being impacted by their neurodiversity. For example, you may develop ways of asking for a break in the middle of conversations, not because something is wrong, but because your partner needs to reset their ability to attend to what you are talking about. Maybe certain words or certain body postures make your partner feel unsafe or remind them of past painful experiences and so are best to be avoided whenever possible. You may also find that you could be supported in these kinds of conversations if your neurodiverse partner is able to bring you into their experience a little bit more. A behavior that feels rude or dismissive to you (such as your partner looking away while you are talking to them) may be better understood as your partner attempting to regulate the level of noise they are experiencing so that they are better able to hear what you are trying to share with them.

Problem-solving some of these communication breakdowns can be challenging. At the same time, learning to meet each other where you are and to explore each other’s style of thinking and communicating together can be immensely powerful, and even healing.

If you or your partners are struggling with frustrating communication experiences or with the impacts of neurodiversity, we can help you practice develop these skills and facilitate genuine connection. Visit our couples counseling page or schedule a free consultation with one of our therapists to talk with us about your unique situation.

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Written by Conrad Frommelt, M.Ed., BCBA
Conrad is a clinical intern specializing in relationships and sexuality with Pivotal Counseling, LLC. He sees clients online and at both the Greeley and Fort Collins, CO offices. To learn more about him or see more of his blog articles, you can visit his bio page.

Pivotal Counseling, LLC is the leading provider of relationship and sexuality counseling to people on the northern front range and throughout Colorado and Wyoming. We help people from their pre-teen years to their post-retirement years to have happier and healthier relationships with themselves, their sexuality, and their loved ones.

Keep It Steamy, Keep It Sharp: Why The Golden Years Should Be The Sexy Years

We all know that a healthy relationship with your sexuality, whatever that may be, is part of being a happy, whole person. But it’s also pretty important for your physical health. For instance, sex can lower blood pressure, boost your immune system, decrease certain health risks like heart attack and prostate cancer, and improve your sleep (WebMD, 2024). Now, according to an article in the BBC’s Science Focus magazine, you can add a new health bonus to that list: improved cognitive function for older adults. 

Sex really can help you enjoy your life to the fullest for as long as possible. Of course, we are not advocating for people to have more sex that they don’t want, force themselves to have sex for the sake of future cognition, or to focus purely on quantity. In fact, a lot of the cognitive benefits to be gained from sex are because of the interpersonal relationship with a partner, not just anyone and not just any sex. Have good sex with someone you want to have sex with and who wants to have sex with you. Satisfaction and connection are some of the essential components at play here.  

Why does sex improve cognition? 

There are a lot of things happening when you’re having sex. Of course, your body is releasing a cocktail of feel-good hormones and blood flow is increasing, but what’s perhaps more important is that your brain is generating new neurons, which is a big deal. As the National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke states, “Neurons are nerve cells that send messages all over your body to allow you to do everything from breathing to talking, eating, walking, and thinking.” 

Sex with a partner is a team sport, and there’s also a lot that goes into that. The social interplay and teamwork involved with partnered sex helps people work on team problem-solving, anticipating needs, expressing their own needs, and feeling intense physical and emotional connection. Sexual health is a pivotal component of overall physical and emotional health. 

Is the answer more sex or better sex?

This depends on what age you’re asking about. However, better sex is never a bad thing. A paper published in 2023 found that between the ages of 62-74, the quality and satisfaction of your sex was more important for cognitive functioning, but during ages 75-90, it was the quantity of sex that made the most impact on cognitive function. 

According to an article from Penn State published in 2023, researchers “found that declines in sexual satisfaction and erectile function were correlated with future memory loss” and put people at higher risk for cardiovascular disease, Alzheimer’s disease, dementia, and other stress-related cognitive decline issues. That said, putting an emphasis on sexual satisfaction and nurturing a healthy and enjoyable sex life in middle age does in fact have an impact on your overall quality of life as an older adult. 

The answer is always better sex, but once you’ve hit older age, maybe put more of an emphasis on quantity over quality. Your brain will thank you. 

How do I start having more and better sex? 

As a sex therapist in Northern Colorado, I am frequently asked this question, but there isn’t a simple answer to this. There are plenty of resources that you can seek out to help you have better and more sex, but we need to start here: sex is not a panacea to cognitive disorders in old age, and if you’re not upset with your sex life and it isn’t a problem for you, then it’s not a problem. 

Now that we have this out of the way, there are things you can do to improve the quality (and frequency) of the sex you are having. Starting by talking to your partner about the sex you want to be having is a great place to start, but we’ll be getting into this in more depth in future posts, so for now, suffice it to say that there are a ton of resources out there that are designed and written by people who truly just want to help people have sex they love having.  

Books

There are a number of resources that you (and a partner(s)) can read to help improve your sex life, including Emily Nagoski’s new book Come Together: The Science (And Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connection. We have mentioned many other resources in other blogs that you can look to, but Nagoski’s new book is incredibly timely given the research about sex and cognitive function. To find sexual satisfaction in long-term and long-lasting relationships, read what she has to say. You won’t regret it. 

Podcasts & other online resources

There are a number of podcasts dedicated to helping people lead sexually fulfilling lives, including: 

• Speaking of Sex

• Pillow Talks 

• The Sex and Psychology Podcast

Each of the podcasts listed above also offers online courses and/or other resources that are rooted in science and therapeutic best practices. If you choose to look online for courses or ebooks about sex, make sure you do your research when it comes to the creators of the content. Not all content is created equally or comes from the same scientific and therapeutic background. Make sure you are vetting the creators of the content you choose to ensure you don’t end up with something that doesn’t align with your values. 

Individual, couples, or sex therapy

If you’re hoping to get right in and work on you and your relationship right away, the best thing you can do is seek out sex therapy near you. Whether you want individual or couples sex therapy, working on the things with a (confidential) third party can be a game changer. A therapist can often see issues that you or your partner(s) may not have noticed or registered. Working with a therapist can help you break down cultural, psychological, emotional, and religious barriers that are standing in between you and a satisfying sex life. 

If you are experiencing painful sex or sexual dysfunction, schedule an appointment with your healthcare provider to rule out any underlying medical causes and seek appropriate treatment. 

Sex is a matter of quality of life

Most people like pleasure, and sex offers so many physical and mental health benefits that it’s hard to deny how important sex can be to a person’s overall wellness. Wherever you stand with your sexuality, relationship to pleasure, or your sexual relationship(s), prioritizing pleasure and healthy sexual relationships can only serve to enhance your quality of life–for a really long time. The bottom line is that prioritizing your sexual health now can have profound impacts on your brain health when you reach older age. 

If you’re not sure where to start or are just ready to get some truly personalized help with your relationship to sex, sexuality, pleasure, or your partner(s), finding a sex therapist is the best way to set you (and your brain) up for future success. If you’re looking for a Greeley, CO sex therapist, Pivotal Counseling helps clients throughout northern Colorado make the most out of their relationships. You can call (970)-281-4677 or schedule an appointment online to get started.