A Couples Therapist Reaction to Showtime’s “Couples Therapy”

THE PROBLEM WITH MOST TV THERAPY

Therapy shown on TV has traditionally walked the line between professional ethics violations and melodramatic reality shows. From Dr. Phil’s charming ‘no-nonsense’ attitude that parades ‘real’ folks in a near constant crisis stream, to the dramatized view of therapists as mysterious and broken healers with very few boundaries in shows like “Private Practice” or “House, M.D.”, therapy in popular media is often “Big Brother” with more books and furrowed brows. Of course I watched them all (and loved them) but thinking that Dr. Phil’s show has given an accurate depiction of the therapy process is like watching "Grey’s Anatomy” and thinking I am ready to perform my first triple bypass surgery. 

“COUPLES THERAPY” SYNOPSIS 

Then in walked Showtime’s mini-documentary series “Couples Therapy” which advertises itself as real therapy that follows a set of four couples as they work with a licensed therapist. Immediately, the tone of the show struck me with its realism and sharpness. The couples in the show are actually couples, made up of people sitting uncomfortably in the waiting room, fidgeting with their clothes, whose self-conscious, nervous laughter fills the silence. Dr. Orna, a quiet and somewhat unassuming woman with a fiercely direct presence, introduces herself as a psychoanalyst who will be leading the sessions. The couple’s names are shown to the viewer, they walk into the room, and the session begins. It's being recorded and so some level of performance is present, but the thrust of the show is just what the title suggests: bringing the viewer into a specific session of couples therapy. 

As a couples therapist, I was transfixed. The show finds a way to capture the magic and alchemy of the therapy room with a clear sense of respect for the process and all of those involved. The issues that are talked about range from the exploration and processing of childhood trauma, potential personality disorders, sexual disconnection, to the dissolution of relationships. These couples are real and bring their real problems to the therapy room hopeful for real solutions. Couples talk over each other, shut down, scream, say hurtful things, cry, all while Dr. Orna puts on a masterclass of therapeutic intervention. I quickly saw parts of myself and my relationships in the couples while also marveling at the uniqueness and particularity of the human experience.

THE SELF OF THE THERAPIST

The show’s genius rests squarely on Dr. Orna. Instead of presenting her as the enigmatic guru, unreachable at the top of some mountain, the documentary clearly tracks her process. She frequently narrates what she is noticing in between sessions and shows footage of her working with her clinical advisor and peer advisory group. Instead of having all the answers, Dr. Orna leans into the mystery of human change and transformation. She gets frustrated. She gets confused. She asks for help. Dr. Orna, is ultimately portrayed as a real, breathing, feeling person, just as all therapists are. “Couples Therapy” at its core, asserts that therapy is a human process, where humans meet together and try to find a way out of stress and suffering and towards happiness and meaning. This process is messy, non-linear, and quite often painful. But it works. The viewer sees the impact that the therapeutic process has on the couple and the therapist and it feels genuine and quite often precious.  

WHAT THERAPY IS AND WHAT THERAPY ISN’T

“Couples Therapy'' differs from other depictions of therapy in popular media in that it showcases actual, evidenced-based, psychoanalytic intervention in practice. Dr. Orna may present her process as one of realization, discovery, and continued effort towards a better approach but she is nonetheless doing highly intricate treatment. From a professional standpoint, her integration of best practice in sessions is clear and a breath of fresh air for the genre. Not every therapist will run a session like Dr. Orna (and they shouldn’t) but her sessions demonstrate what a high quality session of couples therapy could feasibly look and feel like. The show provides an example of the process, across a period of time, without skipping over the painful parts or emphasizing the successes. It's fundamentally about understanding the human experience, not exploiting it purely for entertainment’s sake. And it is captivating. 

When considering coming to therapy, it can be difficult to imagine what the process will be like, how it will feel, if it will be worth it. Part of this hesitancy, I think, comes from the kinds of popular stories we have in our cultural awareness about what therapy is. We know that our therapy won’t happen on national television, but what if it feels humiliating or exploitative? What if my therapist is an unreachable jerk or fails to demonstrate appropriate ethical boundaries? While these stories are possible, it is important to have parallel stories that depict some of the better possibilities as well. Maybe, like in Dr. Orna’s sessions, you will experience a sense of presence and connection with your therapist that is both comforting and empowering. Maybe you will understand why you do some of the things you do with startling clarity. Maybe you will learn to see and even to love yourself and your partner all over again (or for the first time!). 

THERAPY CAN BE FOR YOU TOO!

If you don’t know what therapy could look like apart from a studio audience and A-list actors, I suggest watching an episode or two of “Couples Therapy”. You will see people talking and a lot of questions; probably some tears as well. But keep watching and see if you can catch the sparks of realization, the moments of magic where change happens, or the deepening of heartfelt connection that makes the therapeutic process so powerful.

If you too would like to try out actual therapy, in all its messy, wonderful, human glory by yourself or with partners, we would love to journey alongside you. Visit our couples counseling page or schedule a free consultation with one of our therapists to talk with us about how we can help.

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Written by Conrad Frommelt, M.Ed., BCBA

Conrad is a clinical intern specializing in relationships and sexuality with Pivotal Counseling, LLC. He sees clients online and at both the Greeley and Fort Collins, CO offices. To learn more about him or see more of his blog articles.

Pivotal Counseling, LLC is the leading provider of relationship and sexuality counseling to people on the northern front range and throughout Colorado and Wyoming. We help people from their pre-teen years to their post-retirement years to have happier and healthier relationships with themselves, their sexuality, and their loved ones.

Couples Communication: It's not what you said, it's how you said it!

Relationships afford us opportunities for fun, play, creativity, safety, and growth. The scariest thing about growing in a relationship is being told what we are getting wrong by a person we love and trust. It is especially hard when the way they tell us their feelings comes across as harsh and hurtful. After all, that is where the old saying, “It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it” comes from.

It is rare in a healthy relationship that your partner is attempting to wound you with what they say or how they say it. Despite that fact, sadness, hurt, or anger are the common responses that follow their feedback. So, what do we do when our partner tries to share their feedback with us and it causes pain?

PERSPECTIVES MATTER

It starts by recognizing that people see the world in uniquely different ways, which can make it challenging to communicate difficult things clearly. Moving toward healthier communication requires a willingness to put yourself in your partner’s shoes and try to understand their perspective.

In the past few years, a new pattern of communication has emerged, called ‘Intent vs. Impact’, which encourages people to explore why a person said what they said and how it landed with the person who heard it.

DEFINING INTENT AND IMPACT

Most often, when a person initiates feedback in a relationship, they are trying to address thoughts and feelings and create positive consequences for all members of the relationship. This is defined as one’s intent. In all healthy relationships, it is important to be willing to look at the “why” behind the feedback, to make sure the feedback is thoughtful and useful.

Hearing feedback from one’s partner can provoke any number of thoughts and feelings associated, though sometimes only loosely, with what was said. This is defined as the impact. As the recipient of feedback, it is important to be able to articulate how it landed and what thoughts and feelings it provoked, as you are the only one who has access to that information. As the partner giving feedback, hearing and being accepting of the impact is vital to moving the conversation forward into a productive space.

WHICH IS MORE IMPORTANT?

While it may seem typical of a therapist to say, one is not more important to healthy communication. Both are valid and have their place in every conversation. However, what is most important is the timing of when to acknowledge each component.

It is somewhat common for a partner to want to justify their intentions, especially when they are caught off guard by the impact it had on their partner. Unfortunately, this can come across as insisting that the hurt feelings do not matter, because the intentions were pure. This is why thoroughly addressing the impact of feedback tends to be of a higher priority.

For example, let’s say Sam (he/him) and Alex (they/them) are getting ready for date night. Sam makes a lighthearted comment like, “I like the blue shirt better”. Alex ends up feeling insulted, but they may already know that Sam had no intention of insulting them. Since that knowledge doesn’t erase the impact, Alex chooses to let Sam know they felt hurt by the comment.

Most therapists would recommend that Alex carefully explain the impact it had on them. Sam would need to listen to the impact of his words with an open mind, and then empathize and validate how Alex experienced what he said. Having done this, Sam can then ask for permission to explain the intention behind his comment. When Alex is ready, they can listen to what Sam was hoping to accomplish when he gave the feedback. If necessary, the partners can then discuss how to offer similar feedback in the future in a way that will land better.

THIS IS A PROBLEM IN MY RELATIONSHIP: WHAT DO I DO?

For some partners, the knowledge that this new form of communication is out there will come as a breath of fresh air or an exciting new challenge. For others, it can feel incredibly daunting. If you notice misunderstandings popping up often in your relationship, or if you find yourself fearful of offering your partner(s) feedback, getting connected with a qualified therapist can be a helpful step in adjusting communication patterns.

OUR COUNSELORS HELP COUNTLESS RELATIONSHIPS DEVELOP HEALTHIER, HEALING COMMUNICATION AND WE CAN HELP YOU, TOO. VISIT OUR COUPLES COUNSELING PAGE OR SCHEDULE A FREE CONSULTATION WITH ONE OF OUR THERAPISTS TO TALK WITH US ABOUT YOUR NEEDS AND HOW WE CAN HELP.

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Pivotal Counseling, LLC is the leading provider of relationship and sexuality counseling to people on the northern front range and throughout Colorado and Wyoming. We help people from their pre-teen years to their post-retirement years to have happier and healthier relationships with themselves, their sexuality, and their loved ones.

4 Questions When You Discover an Affair

An affair can be a devastating injury to a relationship.  Your trust in your partner is shaken, and you may not know what to expect or how to move forward. Here are four questions that can be helpful to ask yourself as you navigate the whirlwind of emotions that may follow this discovery.

DO I HAVE ADEQUATE SUPPORT?

A common response to the discovery of an affair is to shut out the rest of the world until you have figured out a resolution. There could be many reasons why this is some people’s first instinct. Perhaps you are afraid of what people might think of your partner. Maybe you feel embarrassed that this could happen to you. Whatever the reason, your brain is telling you to keep this to yourself. Unfortunately, this isolation can make the problem seem much more gigantic and unsolvable. 

Reaching out to another loved one or a trusted professional can allow you to get the negative thoughts out of your body. Making the choice to seek support does not mean you have to reveal every detail of what happened. Whether you are looking for a shoulder to lean on, an alternate perspective, or a distraction it is okay to rely on the people around you. 

WHAT DO I DO WITH ALL THESE QUESTIONS?

With the discovery of an affair comes an inevitable barrage of questions. Whether you intend to end the relationship or you have decided to work through it, it is important to get the answers you need to begin to heal. You may be wondering how to get the answers if you are having difficulty trusting your partner. It is important to establish an agreement with them that they will answer your questions honestly. Inform your partner that you would like to know the truth, no matter how painful it might be. 

Once this arrangement has been made, you will want to take inventory of the questions you have. It is possible some of these questions were present the moment you discovered your partner was unfaithful. Others may flit in and out of your awareness as you move through the process. Either way, some questions are truly important to have answered while the answers to others may do more harm than good. Experts say it is important to evaluate whether you need to ask a question before posing it to your partner. One tip would be to focus on factual information (ie. am I at risk for an STI?) rather than value judgments (ie. Were they better in bed than me?).  

HOW DO I TALK TO MY PARTNER?

As with any difficult conversation, there can be a desire to ‘wait for the right time”. It is possible you are hoping the conversation will go better if your partner is in a good mood or if they have gotten enough rest. The unfortunate truth is you can only account for so many possibilities before you have to allow things to unfold naturally. Ensure you are in a safe, private place with as little distraction as possible. Since it is possible for the conversation to become heated, it can be helpful to choose a location that does not have emotional significance to either of you. Selecting a neutral location means you will not be creating negative memories in precious spaces. 

Once you have selected a location, you may begin to wonder how you are “supposed” to show up to the conversation. Whether you are feeling sad, scared, confused, outraged or any other difficult emotion,it is important to know your feelings are true and valid. There is no accurate way to feel when a person betrays your trust. While losing control of these emotions may not be the most helpful way to react, there is certainly no need to hide what you are feeling. While losing control of these emotions may not be the most helpful way to react, tShowing up authentically will ensure your partner is not surprised if these feelings come up in the future. 

WHAT DO I DO NEXT? 

There are three possible outcomes after an affair. You can choose to end the relationship, continue the relationship as it stands, or renegotiate boundaries and expectations and begin a new relationship. Regardless of which route you choose, it is important to approach your new normal with healing in mind. 

If you decide to end the relationship, consider reaching out to friends and family to support you through the transition. This can help you remain engaged in your healing process, rather than withdrawing. 

Often, couples rely on unspoken rules to determine what is acceptable behavior in their relationship. The purpose of renegotiating the rules is to ensure you and your partner understand them in the same context. If you are concerned about how this conversation may go, it might be helpful to work with a therapist.

OUR COUNSELORS HAVE HELPED DOZENS UPON DOZENS OF COUPLES NAVIGATE AFFAIRS OR INFIDELITY. WE CAN HELP YOU, TOO. CHECK OUT OUR PAGE ON COUPLES COUNSELING OR SCHEDULE A FREE CONSULTATION TO FIND OUT MORE ABOUT HOW WE CAN HELP. 

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How To Forgive

In previous articles, we've laid the groundwork for the process of forgiveness. We disentangled it from rebuilding trust and emotionally healing. We also went through and identified the myths that often interfere in the process of forgiving. If you haven't read through those, we'd strongly encourage you to take the time.

Building on the foundation we now have, it's time to dive into how to forgive. As we go through this, remember that forgiving is resetting the scales. We let go of the debt our partner owes us. It breaks the blinding chain of "an eye for an eye." Forgiveness is putting down the weapon you would use against your partner and "burying the hatchet."

HOW TO FORGIVE

With the significant hurdles out of the way, let's look at how to forgive. It is not enough to reply to an apology with "it's fine." Most of the time, that line is, in reality, one of those false forms of forgiveness talked about in our previous article. 

Like so much in relationship dynamics, forgiveness involves both an internal process and an expression of that internal process. In this case, the internal process is letting go of the imbalance. The expression is letting the other person know that this has happened. 

Find some private, uninterrupted time alone, and work through these steps.

1. Take Inventory of Their Actions

   You can't forgive an offense if you don't know what the offense was. Further, attempting to forgive something you don't understand often results in your going through this process all over again later when you have a better understanding of what happened. Write this out on a piece of paper if you need to. That can often be helpful.

2. Reflect On and Feel the Consequences

   Their debt goes beyond just their actions. It includes all of the impacts of their actions. As painful as it may be, you'll need to take inventory of the full effect of their actions personally (physical, mental, and emotions), relationally (openness, commitment levels, trust, future, etc.), socially (family, friend, coworker, etc. relationships), and any other areas of potential impact (such as financially, occupationally, etc.) Add this to what you wrote in step 1. Use as much paper as you need.

3. Decide that you want to and are ready to forgive.

   Remind yourself of what forgiveness is and isn't, as we discussed above. You are letting go of a debt, nothing more, and also nothing less than just that. By itself, it is substantial so let this be its own process.

4. Reflect on Imperfection

   At the base of forgiveness is an acknowledgment that everyone makes mistakes, both big and small. These mistakes hurt others, sometimes to their absolute core. They are permanent in that one can never take them back and can never truly repay the debts that those actions create. And you are one of those people that has hurt others. Your mistakes may not be the same ones you are attempting to forgive, but you have made your own mistakes and, at perhaps one or two moments, pretty big mistakes. Turn "I've never done that" into "I've also done some things that have deeply hurt other people." And reflect on the idea that you will almost inevitably end up doing that again at some point.

5. Carry Forgiveness Forward

   Reflect on the forgiveness of the wrong that you have either received from others or hope to receive. Imagine yourself facing the person or people who would forgive you. Hold on to the sense of relief, compassion, and gratitude that come with that. Now, in your mind, turn from them to face the person who wronged you. Recognize that you are doing for this person what you have had done or hope to have done for you.

6. State Your Forgiveness

   Yes, out loud. Even if you are alone, this is an incredibly powerful step. Stand in front of a mirror. Look yourself in the eyes. Make a statement declaring who you're forgiving, what they did, and that you forgive them. It might sound something like this.

   "Two weeks ago, my partner completely embarrassed me in front of our friends. What they did was not ok. It will take time not to hurt anymore and to trust them in situations like that again. Right now, I am choosing to set aside what they did and how this hurt me (steps 1 and 2). I am setting it down and leaving it behind. I am not going to use this against them. [Partner's Name], I forgive you for what you did and how you hurt me. You're not in my debt anymore."

   As you say this, make use of the metaphors that might help you. Some metaphors are actions. Perhaps you burn the papers you wrote out in steps 1 and 2. You might take some deep breaths and imagine the anger, resentment, and vengeful feelings you have had being blown out and away as you exhale. Or, you might instead visualize yourself holding the experience and the impact of their actions in your hands and then either allowing the wind to carry them away or dumping them in a hole in the ground, burying them, and then walking away.

7. Share Your Forgiveness (this will require another person)

   As long as you think your partner will understand the work that still needs to happen to repair the relationship, and attend to you despite forgiveness taking place, share your forgiveness with them. Talk then through what you had to do to forgive and tell them, "I forgive you for...[their actions and impact]."

   If you are concerned that your partner won't understand that distinction and are worried about sharing it with them, find another person you trust, talk with them about your process, and share with them that you have forgiven your partner.

8. Keep Forgiving (this takes place over time)

   You're going to have unforgiving thoughts come up. That doesn't mean you've failed. Forgiveness is a process, not an event. You have to keep at it.

   Remind yourself that you already forgave that debt. Reflect on the process you went through. Repeat step 6. Actively choose to walk away from where you put down that offense.

Forgiveness can be challenging, but it is attainable. If the above steps don't help you find what you're looking for, we can help. We've been helping individuals and couples find forgiveness in their relationships for over a decade, and we can help you too. Check out our page on Couples Counseling or schedule a free consultation to find out how we can help you.

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Pivotal Counseling, LLC is the leading provider of relationship and sexuality counseling to people on the northern front range and throughout Colorado and Wyoming. We help people from their pre-teen years to their post-retirement years to have happier and healthier relationships with themselves, their sexuality, and their loved ones.

Forgiveness Myths and "False Forgiveness"

When one person damages their relationship with their partner, forgiveness is crucial in repairing the connection. Forgiveness is not a complicated or involved concept. It is a rebalancing of the relationship's scales of justice. It puts partners back on equal footing with neither "owing" the other nor being in a one-down position.

It isn’t uncommon though for forgiveness to be made into something much more complicated, messy, or even impossible to do than it actually is. Sometimes these ideas are things we believe that get in our way of forgiving. At other times, they are things that other people tell us that forgiveness is or contains. And then, some things fool us into thinking we've forgiven when we haven't. 

MYTHS AND FALSE FORGIVENESS

Forgiving means trusting your partner again and not hurting anymore.

Those are three completely different things. Forgiveness doesn't require either of the other two. For more on the differences, check out our previous article on the topic.

1. Forgiving means approving.

   Excusing your partner's actions as being acceptable isn't forgiving. You never have to condone what your partner did to forgive them. And you or your partner attempting to pair forgiveness with approving of their actions is a sure way to make sure forgiveness doesn't happen.

2. Forgiving means forgetting.

   Pretending as though the action never happened is also not forgiving someone. It's an unrealistic idea and also not a healthy one. Regardless of whether the pressured to forget comes from yourself or your partner, "forgive and forget" isn't how forgiveness works at all (and works against being able to forgive).

3. Forgiving means owing.

   These are opposites. When you tell your partner, "I forgive you, but you owe me" or otherwise remind them that they are now in your debt (such as to get your way), you do not forgive them at all. You're just trying to be nice about not forgiving them.

4. Forgiving means (surface) kindness.

   If you have forgiven, you let go of the feelings associated with them having wronged you. Being kind to them while still harboring resentment is not forgiveness. It's insincere and dishonest.

5. Forgiveness means good things for only the other person.

   Another hurdle in the path towards forgiveness can be why you would want to forgive your partner. After all, forgiveness is seen as generally benefiting the offending person. If your partner does something hurtful and you forgive them, the other person is relieved of the burden of the uneven relationship. They can now re-engage in the relationship in full confidence and (ideally) without reservations. Your partner likely feels lighter, freer, happier, comforted, and reassured.

   But what about you? There is evidence that when you forgive your partner, you experience decreased depression, reduced anxiety, release unhealthy anger, and even diminish trauma symptoms. It also removes barriers to connection and relational intimacy with your partner. There is a reason that people talk about feeling lighter, freer, and better in general when they forgive others.

6. You must forgive.

   Do you have to forgive someone? No, of course not. You are in charge of your emotions and your thoughts. But the benefits appear to outweigh any positives of withholding forgiveness, particularly when we have separated trust and emotional healing from the equation.

If you found yourself recognizing something in these myths and fake versions of forgiveness, you're far from alone. There's a reason so many people struggle with forgiveness. These myths and ideas are found and reinforced in our society to the point that it's hard to spot them. 

HELPING INDIVIDUALS AND COUPLES RECOGNIZE THE BAD IDEAS AND PROBLEMATIC MYTHS THAT GET IN THE WAY OF THEM HAVING THE RELATIONSHIP THEY WANT IS A CORE COMPONENT OF WHAT WE DO. WE'VE BEEN HELPING PEOPLE LET GO OF BAD IDEAS AND LIVE BETTER LIVES TOGETHER FOR YEARS, AND WE CAN HELP YOU TOO. CHECK OUT OUR PAGE ON COUPLES COUNSELING OR SCHEDULE A FREE CONSULTATION TO ASK HOW WE CAN HELP. 

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Pivotal Counseling, LLC is the leading provider of relationship and sexuality counseling to people on the northern front range and throughout Colorado and Wyoming. We help people from their pre-teen years to their post-retirement years to have happier and healthier relationships with themselves, their sexuality, and their loved ones.