Why Forgiving Feels So Overwhelming

Why are you still upset about that? I thought you forgave me.

Are you snooping on my phone? You said you forgave me for that.

Why are you so resistant to spending time with my family? Didn't you forgive me for what I said?

Do any of these sentences sound familiar? When one partner hurts the other, the expectations around forgiveness can be enormous. And yet, none of the above issues have anything to do with forgiveness. They have to do with other factors. 

It's as though your partner is angry about having to buy new tires when they just changed the oil. Both of them are a result of having driven many miles, but changing the oil doesn't mean that the tires are in good condition.

BREAKING DOWN "FORGIVENESS"

When people talk about wanting you to forgive them, they're frequently talking about three very different things (often without even knowing it): rebuilding trust, healing from emotional pain, and (actual) forgiveness. These three processes in repairing a wounded relationship end up getting (incorrectly) lumped together under the idea of "forgiving," which causes a lot of confusion and difficulty for many couples. Let's break down each of those three processes that need addressing and the underlying problem for each.

• Rebuilding Trust: Trust is our ability to anticipate and rely on how another person will engage, respond, or act in a given situation. We learn to trust that person by observing consistent behavior over time. Whenever someone breaches what we have learned to anticipate, trust is damaged (the underlying problem). Once damaged, trust doesn't just jump back. It typically requires a rebuilding period where we can once again see how they act and feel confident that we can rely on them.

• Healing From Emotional Pain: When a relationship is damaged, we experience emotional pain (the underlying problem). Sometimes it is a relatively little pain. At other times it is enormous. Our culture often works hard to dismiss emotional pain as a "myth" or an irrelevant distraction. In truth, emotional pain (included in the broader framework of psychological distress) is incredibly important and directly impacts your personal wellbeing, job performance, and even physical health. Healing from that emotional pain means resolving those feelings so that the same reminders and thoughts don't create distress any longer.

• (Actual) Forgiveness: Forgiveness is a specific process. When someone wrongs us, it creates an imbalance in the relationship (the underlying problem). The scales (think of the scales of justice) aren't even anymore. That imbalance is often wielded as a weapon to hurt the other person or as a "debt" the other person owns to guilt or coerce them. Forgiveness is the process of letting go of the incident so that the scales come back to balance. It means no longer using it as a weapon or holding it as a debt owed by the other person.

APPLYING THE THREE SEPARATE ISSUES

Let's illustrate these three different components with a story.

Imagine you are riding in your friend's car. Your friend keeps looking at their phone, trying to find something to show you. You ask your friend to put their phone down and focus on driving. They insist that they aren't going to crash and go back to scrolling. They then run a red light, and your side of the car gets hit by another vehicle, breaking your leg.

Can you pick out where each of the three underlying problems has come up?

• Trust: Getting in the car as someone's passenger is a fundamentally trusting action. You trust them with your life and safety when you hand over control of the situation to them as the driver. The driver's actions broke your trust to keep you safe and resulted in the accident.

• Pain: A broken leg is incredibly painful. It isn't only short term painful like bumping your head getting into the car. There will be months of pain from both the break and the physical therapy that will likely be required after the bone heals.

• Injustice: You were wronged. The driver's careless actions caused you harm. The relationship scales aren't even anymore. In many ways, they are in your debt; they owe you.

Each issue that has been introduced by the car crash incident is unique. That means that how to address each of those must be unique also.

THREE DIFFERENT ISSUES, THREE DIFFERENT APPROACHES

The breach of trust will likely leave you reluctant to ride in that friend's car for a long while. You may be hesitant to trust their judgment on certain things. Rebuilding trust requires that you feel confident that your friend understands why what they did was wrong and the impact their behavior. Then it will require consistent actions from them that reassure you that they have learned from this and that you can once again feel confident in how they will act.

• The pain is going to require time and work to resolve. In this case, it will take time for the bone to heal and the work of physical therapy. Even then, there may be twinges or some ache when the weather is bad. Sometimes pain lingers for a little while or even a long while. The best thing that can happen here is for your friend to show compassion and understanding when you are dealing with that pain. 

• As for the injustice, you might make comments to your friend when you next go out like, "Do you honestly expect me to let you drive," "My workout routine has completely come to a halt because someone broke my leg," or "It has been such a pain to try to bathe with this cast on my leg. You know it's your fault that it takes me 30 minutes just to take a shower, right?" These comments intend to remind the other person of the debt you are owed, of the imbalance they created in the relationship. When we forgive, we make an active choice to balance the scales. They no longer owe us, and consequently, we cannot use it as a weapon against them any longer. We return the relationship to equal footing. 

These three things are independent. You can forgive your friend and still not trust their driving. You can trust their driving and have forgiven them but still be experiencing pain. You can have fully healed and yet not trust them nor have forgiven them. They are all independent. Forgiveness is powerful, but it isn't the magic bullet for all of these things. It is an essential process for a specific purpose: bringing balance back to a relationship.

This breakdown is often surprising to our clients. For some, they are surprised at how much pressure they may be putting on others. For some, it is a lightbulb moment for why they are struggling so much. Others break down in tears when they realize that still feeling pain about something from years ago doesn't mean that they have failed to forgive.

Regardless of being surprised or not, many of these clients find that when they stop expecting forgiveness to carry the load of rebuilding trust and healing from emotional pain, forgiveness feels much less overwhelming and seems much more attainable. 

For others, it still feels overwhelming to try to forgive. If this is your situation, you aren't alone. Many couples struggle with forgiveness. We frequently help couples navigate the process of dealing with forgiveness, rebuilding trust, and healing from emotional pain. If you need help, we’re here. Check out our page on Couples Counseling or reach out and schedule a free consultation to ask how we can help. 

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Pivotal Counseling, LLC is the leading provider of relationship and sexuality counseling to people on the northern front range and throughout Colorado and Wyoming. We help people from their pre-teen years to their post-retirement years to have happier and healthier relationships with themselves, their sexuality, and their loved ones.

"Sorry" Isn't Enough - What Couples Get Wrong About Apologies

Apologizing- Sorry

Life will provide you with lots of opportunities to get things wrong. Being in a relationship with all of its unique emotions and expectations certainly ups the ante exponentially. It’s inevitable that you will make mistakes or behave in a way that another person finds inappropriate. 

Making a mistake doesn’t make you a bad person. However, if you want a healthy, enduring relationship, it does mean that you’ll need to learn and implement good solid ways of repairing your relationship. How to apologize is a core part of making things better in any type of relationship. And simply saying “sorry” doesn’t cut it.

WHAT IS AN APOLOGY

Done sincerely, an apology is an expression of regret and a request for forgiveness in response to a specific wrong that you committed. The goal of the apology is to repair the harm that was done to the relationship and restore your partner’s confidence and trust in you. 

HOW TO APOLOGIZE

A good apology contains a few key components. When any of these are missing or violated, the apology will almost inevitably end up falling flat or even doing more damage.

• The Preface - Ask Permission

  An often neglected step in this process involves consent. Your partner may not be ready to hear an apology. Don’t take it for granted that they want to hear an apology at any given moment. They may still need time to be ready to receive your apology. Let them know you wish to apologize and then follow their lead. 

• Step 1 - Take Responsibility

  Apologies are for when we do something wrong. So for a good apology to happen, you need to be able to own what you specifically did. You also need to be able to own that, upon reflection, you can see where what you did was wrong even if it made sense to do at the time. This can be uncomfortable but it is crucial. 

  The step of taking responsibility is what helps your partner to be reassured that you see where we messed up rather than simply seeing that they don’t like something that you did at that moment. 

• Step 2 - Acknowledge the Damage

  Your partner needs to know that you also see how what you did wrong impacted them. You need to acknowledge where they felt embarrassed, unimportant, rejected, insufficient, or whatever other negative emotion they may have felt in response to your action. 

• Step 3 - Express Regret

  This is more than just saying “I regret doing that.” Let them know what feelings come up for you when you look at what you did and how you hurt them. You might feel awful, terrible, sick, or horrible about what you did. You might feel guilt or embarrassment over your actions. Be sure to tell them that you are sorry for what you did and how you left them feeling.

• Step 4 - Reassure Your Partner

  This step often gets missed. The most helpful apologies include what you are going to do differently the next time a similar situation comes up. An apology is pretty meaningless if it seems to your partner that you will likely just end up doing the harmful behavior again. To be clear about what factors lead to your bad decision (don’t make excuses, just acknowledge them) and explain how you will handle those factors differently the next time they come up.

• Step 5 - Ask for Forgiveness

  This step requires some pretty big vulnerability. At the same time, it is what pulls all of this together and truly helps to mend the relationship. Starting with a simple, “will you forgive me” often works. Sometimes, your partner may not be ready to forgive. Don’t take it personally. Let them know that you understand they aren’t ready, tell them that you hope that they will be able to, and ask them if there is anything else they need from you so that they would feel better about forgiving you.

HOW NOT TO APOLOGIZE

Now that we have a good picture of how a good apology goes, let’s take a look at some of the common attempts to apologize that simply aren’t an apology

• The Vague Apology

  This sounds the same just about every time: “I’m sorry” and pretty much nothing else. It may be completely sincere but it leaves your partner uncertain of whether you even have any idea of what you did, how it hurt them, and what needs to be different. 

• The “Celebrity” Apology

  You know how this goes. “I’m sorry if my action offended anyone.” This is not an apology. You aren’t saying you regret your action. You’re simply saying that you don’t like the consequence of what you did. 

• The Blaming Apology

  “I’m sorry that you feel that way” is also not an apology. The problem being identified is the other person’s feelings. It’s a negative assessment of the other person’s boundaries and emotions. There’s no ownership of the speaker’s actions and no acknowledgment of the action’s impact, it isn’t an apology. 

• The Appeasing Apology

  “All right, all right, I’m sorry. Are you happy now?” This isn’t about apologizing, this is about dismissing the actual issue and attempting to just move on. If you don’t think you need to apologize, state that opinion and begin a separate discussion.

• The Self-Serving Apology

  These apologies are given with the intention (whether the person apologizing realizes it or not) of turning the table and making the apologizer the focus. “I’m sorry you married such a jerk” or “I’m sorry I’m such a horrible person” aren’t apologies at all. They are fishing expeditions with the goal of getting the person who was hurt to let go of what they were hurt with and reassure or comfort the “apologizer” at that moment. 

PULLING IT ALL TOGETHER

Let’s say that you and your partner were out with some friends and you said something embarrassing about your partner in front of them. Your apology might sound something like this.

(Preface) Hey, I really feel bad about what happened and I want to apologize for it. Are you willing to hear me out?

(Step 1) When I told that story about you, I was wrong. I shouldn’t have shared that. I broke your trust by sharing something that you wouldn’t want someone else to know and I told that to people that we see frequently. 

(Step 2) Hearing me tell that story left you feeling embarrassed in front of our friends. You were mortified and it ruined the evening for you. On top of that, you felt unsafe and betrayed by me in what I had done. I broke our trust and that really hurt you.

(Step 3) I feel absolutely terrible about what I did. I put making our friends laugh above our relationship and I can’t believe I did that. I feel horrible about my choice and about how I hurt you. I am so sincerely sorry for telling that story and embarrassing you.

(Step 4) I need to be putting you and our relationship first in every situation, especially when people we know and spend time with are around. They need to see that I have your back and am on your team above anything else. I need to ask myself how you will feel whenever I go to tell a story or talk about you. That’s how I’m going to do my best to make sure nothing like this ever happens again.

(Step 5) I know you’re really hurt right now so I appreciate you hearing me out. I realize it may take some time, but will you forgive me?

WHEN THE APOLOGIES FEEL IMPOSSIBLE

Finally, as mentioned above, a relationship can bring with it many emotions and plenty of baggage. In times of hurt, it can be difficult to communicate in a productive manner. This is when you could use meaningful support. A counselor can end up being the unbiased mediator, the skills coach, or the partner to partner translator that you both need to re-connect in a healthy way.

Helping couples with apologies and other communication dynamics is something that our counselors do on a daily basis. We can help you, too. Check out our page on Couples Counseling or scheduled a free consultation to learn more about how we can help. 

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Pivotal Counseling, LLC is the leading provider of relationship and sexuality counseling to people on the northern front range and throughout Colorado and Wyoming. We help people from their pre-teen years to their post-retirement years to have happier and healthier relationships with themselves, their sexuality, and their loved ones.

Truth Beyond Couples Communication

Why "The Truth" Isn't All That Helpful

"That's not what happened!" 

"I never said that!" 

"That's not true! The truth is..." 

Every couple recognizes statements like this. They get thrown out all the time. Whether they're talking about a conversation from decades in the past or something that happened 10 minutes ago, it’s easy for couples to get stuck in correcting one another and arguing about what the actual truth of a situation is. 

This type of argument is pretty common. I'd be hard-pressed to think of a single couple that didn't run into this exact conflict in our sessions repeatedly. All couples run into it at times! 

IT’S NOT (JUST) ABOUT WINNING

What makes it so common? Some therapists will say that it is about winning. They aren't wrong. When someone is in that situation, they want to win the conversation and establish "the real truth." But the idea of winning misses the more crucial factors underneath: that we want to have our experience heard and for it to matter.

Some readers may already be engaging in the same fight right here. "It isn't just my experience; it's what actually happened! It's the truth!" And that makes sense. The problem is that when it comes to multiple people experiencing the same event (like a conversation), there isn't just one reality at play. As many people that were present, there are that many realities of what happened. 

IT’S ABOUT REALITY

Reality is comprised of what we perceive and experience. If we didn't experience it, then it isn't part of our reality. The "truth" of whether it happened or not isn't all that helpful or significant. 

Let's use an example. Imagine that you went to see a movie but found yourself not feeling well. You dozed a bit during the film for just 20-30 seconds at a time and didn't even realize that you did so. When you talk with a friend who has also seen the movie, you will remember the film differently than them. Now, let's say they also dozed off here or there. Both of you will remember dialogue or parts of the story differently than the other. 

It would be easy to get into an argument about what "really happened" in that movie. Both of you would go back and forth about who was right. One of you might even try to pull up on the internet quotes from the movie to prove you were right. But even if the "truth" turned out to be that they were right about that bit of dialogue, does that information change what you experienced? Does it change your reality? Of course not. 

When couples fight like this, they will remember the event or conversation, even one from just minutes ago, differently. They will each have their own reality, and that experience of the events is just as valid as their partner's. So what that person is fighting for is not just to win but to have their reality acknowledged and heard. 

So what keeps one person from accepting that their partner's reality is different? Another mistaken idea that often sounds like the following.

"If I acknowledge your reality, that means that my reality is wrong." 

As common as this thinking is, it couldn't be more wrong. This mistaken belief becomes much clearer when we substitute the word experience for reality.

"If I acknowledge your experience, that means that my experience is wrong." 

We each have our own experiences, our own reality. Both people's reality can be precisely accurate for them. Our realities matter to us because they are what we experienced. 

THE PROBLEM WITH TRUTH

So, where does truth come back into this issue? Truth often gets used as a weapon to try to discredit the other person's reality. If their reality isn't the objective "truth," then it doesn't matter. First, this is patently false. Just because one roller coaster is mechanically faster than the other doesn't mean that the second one doesn't seem faster. Further, when we are talking about our experience, our reality, the truth of which one is faster isn't all that helpful. 

Often, couples try to use their reality as the "truth" to discredit the other person's reality. If they can disprove it, then it can be dismissed, and the "actual truth" (which is just the other person's reality) can now be established. 

Winning ends up being more about whose reality, whose experience gets to matter in the conversation, which person gets to be heard and acknowledged, and whose emotions and feelings get to matter. 

As long as couples stay stuck in arguing about the truth and which reality is real, they both lose. 

REALLY WINNING

Instead, couples can change the conversation. They can show one another that what matters most isn't "truth" but one another. 

In the end, what couples want to know is that their reality (including all of their experiences, emotions, thoughts, etc.) matters just as much as their partner's reality matters. And when couples can do that, they change far more than just conversation. They change their relationship.

WE’VE HELPED COUNTLESS COUPLES LEARN HOW TO NAVIGATE AROUND COMMUNICATION TRAPS LIKE THIS ONE AND OTHERES. WE CAN HELP YOU, TOO. CHECK OUT OUR PAGE ON COUPLES COUNSELING OR REACH OUT AND GET IN TOUCH TO ASK HOW WE CAN HELP. 

Pivotal Cousneling, LLC is the leading provider of relationship and sexuality counseling to people on the northern front range and throughout Colorado and Wyoming. We help people from their pre-teen years to their post-retirement years to have happier and healthier relationships with themselves, their sexuality, and their loved ones.

How We Treat Couples dealing with Betrayals

COUNSELING THE BETRAYED PARTNER

Regardless of whether you discovered the affair or betrayal or if your partner disclosed it to you, learning of infidelity is devastating. Many people describe feeling as though their world is falling apart and that the floor beneath them is giving out. They feel crushed, heartbroken, lost, and "in a fog." Many also talk about feeling rejected, inadequate, and worthless. When a betrayed partner walks into our offices feeling this way, we meet them with compassion, understanding, and safety. We immediately attend to the effects of the betrayal and work on reducing any further trauma to the betrayed partner or the relationship. Our philosophy for working with betrayed partners is this:

You are not at fault. You are strong enough to heal from this. Whether you forgive your partner or not, whether you trust your partner again or not, and when those things happen is up to you.

Our job is to create a safe space in the office where the betrayed partner never feels blamed or dismissed. We build the relational skills and communication tools that are needed to talk about the wrong they've experienced, the broken trust, and the hurt they are feeling. We _never_ push clients to forgive or trust their partner. That has to happen in _their_ time, not based on the counselor's and certainly not on the betraying partner's timeframe.

Couples COUNSELING For THE BETRAYed

Betraying partners tend to show up in one of two ways.

1. They come in believing that they are a terrible, worthless person. They are embarrassed, mortified, or dumbfounded about their thoughts, choices, and actions. They don't blame the betrayed partner for being angry with them and shocked by the betrayal. After all, they feel the same way about themselves.

2. They come in desperately fighting against the idea that they are a terrible, uncaring, or worthless person. They get angry about the betrayed partner being upset. They blame the betrayed partner for "making" then do this. They minimize what happened and the impact of their choices. They do all this because they cannot believe that they are "that" kind of person.

Our philosophy with the betraying partner of every affair or infidelity relationship we work with is this:

You did a terrible thing. That doesn't mean you are a terrible person.

We understand that the betraying partner didn't make their choice to cheat in a vacuum. Like drinking salt water when stranded at sea, the circumstances and situation made the idea of cheating seem like a solution to or at least an escape from where they were struggling. In the end, though, having an affair or betraying a partner always causes more problems and rarely, if ever, fixes anything. We help the betraying partner to acknowledge and own actions they have taken. We identify how to rebuild trust; to find and express understanding, empathy, and validation of their partner's pain; and to invite forgiveness from their partner _without_ pressuring them.

Couples COUNSELING For THE RELATIONSHIP

Affairs throw relationships into chaos and pain. So many couples come in saying that they want to get back to how things were before this happened. We get that. You want to go back to when things were less painful and less chaotic. That's precisely why our first goal for every betrayed relationship is to address the immediate trauma.

Our second goal is much more significant. Going back to how things were in the past only sets the relationship up to be damaged again. After all, that relationship was at risk for betrayal. Instead, we need to build a better relationship than what it was before. We work to identify the underlying issues that put the relationship at risk for the choice to have an affair. Then, we begin to work through those factors, providing education where unhelpful ideas or expectations were held, skill building where unhealthy dynamics were at play, and fostering healing where past hurts have lingered on. In the end, the couples we work with heal and grow in such a way that their relationship is protected from a betrayal ever happening again.

WE’VE HELPED COUNTLESS PARTNERS THROUGH BETRAYALS. WE CAN HELP YOU, TOO. CHECK OUT OUR PAGE ON COUPLES COUNSELING OR REACH OUT AND GET IN TOUCH TO ASK HOW WE CAN HELP.

3 Ways to Support Your Neurodiverse Partner

Having a partner who is neurodiverse can be challenging at times, sometimes very much so. Here are three tips on how you can better support your partner.

TIP 1: JOIN THE CONVERSATION

The term “neurodiverse” is a relatively new addition to the cultural conversation. It was initially used to suggest that there may be many different, legitimate ways of thinking about and interacting with the world. Starting around 2016, it began to become one of the preferred terms for those with diagnosed or suspected Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), and other individuals who similarly experience the world differently from the norm.

Since then, the term has found wide use in culture and media. From TikTok videos describing “hacks” to help neurodiverse people keep track of the things they want to accomplish to books explaining new ways that some neurodiverse people can harness their keen sense of observation to thrive in corporate settings, the odds of coming across this term are high.

So why a new term?

First, psychology has tended to define things primarily by describing the negative impact they have. Even the term mental illness carries with it a sense that something is wrong and ought to be fixed. However, many mental ‘illnesses’ that people are diagnosed with may actually serve an adaptive, beneficial purpose. In fact, many people who carry some kind of mental health diagnosis report that they can identify personal strengths and aspects of their character that they value which are directly related to their diagnosis. Only having the ‘mental illness’ label didn’t fit for these people. So the idea of ‘difference’ instead of ‘deficiency’ seemed like a more accurate and useful description.

Second, many diagnoses that are used in the mental health field, although they may seem pretty cut and dry, often live on a spectrum. For instance, Autism Spectrum Disorder and many Depressive disorders are often explained as having various degrees, different kinds of presentations, and lots of variations. Two people with the same disorder, in fact, may not share many similarities at all. Because of this wide range, a term was needed to encompass all kinds of variation, degrees, spectrums, and presentations to somehow communicate that a person’s experience may not match the experience that is expected or considered ‘normal’.

Some people with a mental health diagnosis or who think or interact with the world in unique ways, resonate with the term and feel comfortable applying it to themselves and their experiences. Others do not. Some folks prefer a different term altogether such as neurodivergent or associate more with the diagnosis itself. One surefire way to support your neurodiverse partner is to start paying attention to the way that they think and feel about their diagnosis or to the way their brain works. It may be helpful to ask them directly about the ways that it shows up for them and maybe even to show you the next time that they notice it impacting them.

TIP 2: LEAD WITH EMPATHETIC CURIOSITY

Talking about the way your partner is different may feel an awful lot like criticism. It is vitally important to remember that differences, both large and small, are usually sources of stress and even conflict for many people. Chances are, your partner has been teased, bullied, shamed, or even punished for the way their brain works and how they interact with the world. This is why your partner may show signs of reluctance or hesitancy about sharing their experiences. Because of that, it can be helpful to let them direct the conversation and respect their ability to protect themselves. We have all had experiences where our felt sense of being different has wounded us; use your experiences to guide how you interact in these moments. Be gentle and listen.

When stepping into this territory the goal is to maintain a sense of empathetic curiosity. You want your general stance, as the partner of someone with some kind of neurodiversity, to be full of your genuine care for them as a full, complete person (the empathetic part). The moral of the story is that your partner is so interesting, so inherently worthy of love and belonging, that you want to enter more into their world (the curiosity part). The journey is one of discovery and deeper understanding so that you each are better able to understand the other’s world.

One of the strengths of a perspective that is grounded in neurodiversity is a conviction that there is not one right way. Instead, having people that see things differently is a strength. It is about showing interest and gratitude for the fact that while you are busy inspecting the color of something your partner is able to assess its texture, weight, or how well it will work in a certain situation. It is also likely that some of these differences are things you absolutely love about your partner. Tell them so.

The understanding should be mutual (because your little world is fascinating too!). Your interest should stem from a place of authentic curiosity and have connection as the goal.

TIP 3: DEVELOP CLEAR COMMUNICATION BY REDUCING NOISE

While reveling in the awesomeness of your partner is a good thing, there may be times where some rules of engagement can help make things flow more easily. Bring a sense of empathetic curiosity to these conversations as well.

During a time of low stress, it may be beneficial to discuss a game plan for how to ensure accurate communication takes place and everyone leaves the interaction feeling heard, cared for, and hopeful for some kind of resolution or improvement.

In the field of communication theory, the concept of noise is often discussed. This term refers to any interfering source of stimulus or input that disrupts the message that is being sent. Anything from actual noise (think lawn mower outside), psychological noise (anxiety, worry, depression, trauma), to semantic noise (using words that the other person doesn’t understand, tones of voice that are distracting or confusing), or executive functioning noise (thinking about what you are going to say next) can impact if and how well we are understood.

Perhaps someone finds direct, verbal communication to be overstimulating (too emotionally noisy) when emotionally charged topics are brought up. If this is the case, maybe shift the conversation to texting (even in the same room) to increase the likelihood that the context of the messages being sent are able to be heard. Maybe certain times of the day or certain places are more conducive to clear thinking or emotional expression. Talking right after lunch may help to reduce the biological noise associated with being hungry. Talking right after your partner comes home from work may mean that parts of your message don’t make it through due to the emotional noise they are carrying with them from the workplace.

Make a point to set yourself and your partner up for success when something important needs to be talked about.

This may also mean that you develop specific ways of talking about how your partner is being impacted by their neurodiversity. For example, you may develop ways of asking for a break in the middle of conversations, not because something is wrong, but because your partner needs to reset their ability to attend to what you are talking about. Maybe certain words or certain body postures make your partner feel unsafe or remind them of past painful experiences and so are best to be avoided whenever possible. You may also find that you could be supported in these kinds of conversations if your neurodiverse partner is able to bring you into their experience a little bit more. A behavior that feels rude or dismissive to you (such as your partner looking away while you are talking to them) may be better understood as your partner attempting to regulate the level of noise they are experiencing so that they are better able to hear what you are trying to share with them.

Problem-solving some of these communication breakdowns can be challenging. At the same time, learning to meet each other where you are and to explore each other’s style of thinking and communicating together can be immensely powerful, and even healing.

If you or your partners are struggling with frustrating communication experiences or with the impacts of neurodiversity, we can help you practice develop these skills and facilitate genuine connection. Visit our couples counseling page or schedule a free consultation with one of our therapists to talk with us about your unique situation.

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Written by Conrad Frommelt, M.Ed., BCBA
Conrad is a clinical intern specializing in relationships and sexuality with Pivotal Counseling, LLC. He sees clients online and at both the Greeley and Fort Collins, CO offices. To learn more about him or see more of his blog articles, you can visit his bio page.

Pivotal Counseling, LLC is the leading provider of relationship and sexuality counseling to people on the northern front range and throughout Colorado and Wyoming. We help people from their pre-teen years to their post-retirement years to have happier and healthier relationships with themselves, their sexuality, and their loved ones.