Understanding the Basics of Consent
Consent can be a big topic. We’re going to talk about it in some pretty straightforward ways to help you get a clearer idea of what it is, what talking about it can sound like, and how to navigate it…
What is Consent?
At it’s most basic, consent is agreement and permission. Sexual consent is agreement to engage in sexual behaviors and permission for the person you are giving that consent to to engage in sexual behaviors with you. That’s the big broad definition. At it’s core, it is about you knowing what you want and you caring about what your partner wants. You can read more about that in our blog article on the Heart of Consent. This blog article is going to focus on the practical application of consent.
When Does Consent Matter?
In short, all the time! Anytime you are engaging with another person sexually, consent is at play and is important. This could be anywhere from when you are flirting to when you are having sexual intercourse and every possible other sexual activity and engagement.
Consent is Permission…That’s It?
Well, it is permission but there’s a lot that goes into actually agreeing to and giving permission for something.
The FRIES Model
Planned Parenthood developed the FRIES model as a way to look at the components of consent.
So, let’s take a look at each of those pieces.
Freely Given
In short, this means that there’s no requirement, pressure, manipulation, or obligation to say “yes.” You are able to and could just as freely have said “no” (if you couldn’t say no, then you can’t truly say yes).Reversible
There’s no “you already said yes” in sexual consent. Consent is ongoing. You can continue to agree and say yes, you can stop and say no. And this can happen at ANY time.
Informed
This means that everyone understands equally and fully what is happening before, during, and after sex. You can’t consent to something if someone hides information about it. There has to be full, honest information shared for consent to be present.
Enthusiastic
Enthusiastic can also be thought of a “whole-hearted” or “confident.” If you aren’t sure if you want to do something, then don’t say yes because you aren’t actually consenting. You might be sure you want to do or try something and still be nervous. That is still enthusiastic because you are sure you want to participate.
Specific
Consent isn’t a blank check. Consent to kiss is not consent to grope. Consent to cuddle isn’t consent for oral sex. Consent is specific to each action.
So, consent is permission and agreement but it also has to have those five qualities to truly be consent!
What Do Consent Conversations Include?
They can include lots of things. Everything that each of you are wanting, not wanting, want to ask about, want to check in on, want to clarify, etc can all be talked about. Some common things consent conversations can include:
Before Sexual Play: Talk about desires and limits. Talk about specific types of sexual play you enjoy, don’t enjoy, or are curious about. Ask each other about hard limits and comfort levels. Talk about what you’ve been imagining or fantasizing about doing together and ask about what works for them. Ask them about their hopes or preferences for what is about to happen. Discuss safer sex barriers, birth control, and STI safety. Don't assume that what happened last time is a blueprint for this time.
During Sexual Play: Check in on an ongoing basis. That can include things like: "How's this feeling" or "Do you want to keep going?" as well as “do you still want to try that” or “you seem hesitant, should we pause?” Pay attention to body language, sounds, words, and silence. Ask about those things instead of assuming you know what they mean. Respond to them. Slowing down to check in is not a mood-killer — it's intimacy.
After Sexual Play: Ask your partner how they are doing both emotionally and physically. Check in about what you each really enjoyed. Talk about what you learned about yourselves and/or each other’s likes and dislikes. Ask each other what you want to have happen again and what you aren’t interested in doing again. Talk about what you each learned about yourself. Respect privacy. Continue honoring what was communicated, even once the moment has passed.
What Consent Sounds Like (and Doesn't)
Consent language doesn’t have to be complicated. It also doesn’t have to be robotic and formal. Consent can sound like:
"Yes."
“Please!”
"I want to."
"Can we try this?"
“Are you still enjoying this?”
“More!” “Slower!” “Faster!”
“I like that, keep going.”
“I’d really like to ______, but you have to tell me to.”
“I’d really enjoy you ______, are you up for that?”
“I’m up for trying this but I may change my mind.”
Withdrawing or changing consent can sound like
“Hang on.”
“I’m not up for that anymore.”
“I changed my mind. Can we try ______ instead?”
“Maybe next time, I’m not feeling it right now.”
“I need to pause.”
“This doesn’t feel right, I need to stop.”
“Let’s take a break.”
“Touch me here instead.”
Importantly, consent should always be enthusiastic (meaning whole-hearted, without reservation). So that means consent absolutely does not sound like:
"I guess…"
Silence
Freezing
"Fine."
"You'll be mad if I say no."
“I’d rather not but okay.”
“I don’t know…maybe…”
If it's unclear, immediately pause and ask. If you’re getting mixed messages, they’re probably feeling mixed. Stop and talk about it.
A Few Other Reminders
Being in a relationship does not equal automatic consent.
Past consent does not mean future consent.
Consent while significantly intoxicated may not be valid.
"No" is a complete sentence.
No one owes anyone sexual access.
Conclusion
Far too often, we wait until something goes wrong to talk about where we could do better. Consent is horrible topic to do that with because far too often those conversations end up happening in police stations, courtrooms, or therapy offices after violations have occurred.
What would it look like to have better consent conversations earlier? Before any harm has happened? Where partners have a genuine conversation about what they want, what they enjoy, and what kind of intimate life they are building? It’s hard to imagine that it would do anything but improve the sexual lives of everyone involved.
When You Could Use Some Support
Navigating sexual consent, even in committed relationships, can be challenging. Addressing bad assumptions, poor education and practices, sexual entitlement, and poor sexual boundaries can be incredibly difficult. If you’re unsure of how to address these things and have these conversations with your partner, we can help you.
Learn more about our sex therapy services or schedule a free consultation to see if we’re the right fit for you. We’d love to help.
