Infidelity is a common issue we work with in couples counseling. Whether emotional or sexual, it is devestating. However, there are certainly times the partner who violated the relationship makes things worse with what they say after the cheating is discovered or disclosed. Here are some of the most harmful things we’ve heard in our work as couples counselors.

What Not to Say

1. "It Didn't Mean Anything"

Truly think about what your partner is hearing: you not only broke your commitment and trust with them but you did it for something that didn’t actually have any meaning. On the one hand, if your partner believes that then they are left with the idea that apparnetly they and your relationship has even less meaning. More often, this statement isn’t actually try because the cheating did mean something to the person who strayed. What they often mean is that in retrospect, the reasons for doing what they did weren’t as important as they thought in the moment.

2. "You're Overreacting"

Telling your partner they're making too big a deal out of it is essentially telling them that their feelings don't matter to you or even that you simply think their feelings are wrong. What you probably mean is that you don’t like seeing how big or intense their emotions are, that you don’t know what to do with them, or that it is overwhelming for you. By blaming them for your struggle with their emotions, you convey more rejection and leave them feeling even more alone, unimportant, and angry. Which, sadly, just will lead to bigger reactions.

3. "I Was Going to Leave Anyway"

This can be devastating. After all, if you were going to leave anyway, why not leave before you got involved with someone else? It conveys an utter disregard for how your actions would impact them, that the convenience of engaging with someone else as early as possible was more important than taking the time to end the relationship with your partner respectfully.

4. "It's Not a Big Deal"

This falls into a similar category as “you’re overreacting.” Saying it's not a big deal shows you don't understand how serious this is. Infidelity shatters a person’s fundamental assumptions about their life, their relationship, and the most important person in their life. It also sends the message that you don’t see infidelity as mattering, which will undermine efforts to rebuild trust for months if not years to come.

5. "I Wouldn't Have If You had/Hadn't..."

Even if your partner was the worst, most terrible person in the world, you made the decision to cheat (not them). There may have been reasons that contributed to that choice but you made the decision to cheat instead of addressing those issues or leaving the relationship. And that decision to cheat is the immediate problem. Nothing a partner does justifies cheating (or abuse or any other hurtful behaviors).

What Would Be Better to Say

So what should you say? Here are some ideas. But remember, the worst thing you can do right now is to further break trust by lying or being insincere. If you can’t say one (or any) of the things below from a place of complete honesty, don’t say it.

1. "I Am Truly Sorry"

A sincere apology can go a long way. Acknowledge the pain you've caused and express genuine remorse. Your partner needs to hear that you're sorry, not as a quick fix, but as a starting point for any healing to occur.

2. "I Take Full Responsibility"

Own up to what you did without making excuses or blaming your partner. This can help your partner see that you're serious about making amends. This doesn’t mean that your partner was perfect beforehand or that there aren’t issues or problems that contributed to your unhappiness that need to be addressed. It does mean that you are taking responsibility and are willing to face the consequences of your actions.

3. "I'll Be Completely Honest and transparent"

Honesty means not lying. Transparency goes further and means not hiding or omitting. Offer full transparency about the situation. Answer any questions your partner has, even if it's uncomfortable for you. Transparency is crucial for rebuilding trust. Being open now can set the tone for future communication in the relationship.

4. "I'm Willing to Work on This"

Show that you're committed to changing your behavior and working on the relationship. This can give your partner some hope that things can improve. It also shows that you're not just looking for a quick fix but are willing to put in the work over the long term.

5. "Would You Consider Professional Help?"

Suggest going to couples counseling with someone who specializes in infidelity. This shows you're willing to take concrete steps to address the underlying issues and work towards healing. It also signals that you value the relationship enough to invest time and resources into fixing it.

Closing Thoughts

Cheating is devastating enough in a relationship. Navigating the aftermath well can sometimes make all the difference in saving a relationship or having it catastrophically explode. And what we say can sometimes make that difference. If you cheated and need help coming clean or repairing your relationship, check out our couples counseling page, schedule a free consult, or just get in touch. We can help.